The Joker

Joke: I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember applying for a job there.

Joke: A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

Joke: The graveyard service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Joke: I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

Joke: Why did the vegetable call a plumber?

Joke: This girl said she recognized me from some vegan restaurant but I knew I'd never met herbivore.

Joke: My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her to dinner and a movie and then dropped her off at her parents' house.

Joke: I pretended to fall asleep and I fell asleep. Now, I'm going to pretend to be skinny.

Joke: What did the Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?

Joke: Sad news today, the guy that invented the boomerang hand grenade died yesterday during product testing.

Joke: Two, not very bright, pilots come in for a landing when the pilot has to slam on the brakes. Captain Bill looks over at Roger the co-pilot and says, "Damn that is the shortest runway we have ever landed on!" Roger takes a long look left, then a long look right and replies, "Yeah but look how wide it is!"

Joke: I'd share my poem about the wind....but it's only a draft.

Joke: According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 3 days till Christmas

Joke: What's in the middle of a jellyfish?

Joke: What do you call a funny mountain?

Joke: What do snowmen have for breakfast?

Joke: A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff... Baa-dumm-tss.

Joke: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.

Joke: A 72-year-old man had one hobby - he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog, and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' With age - comes wisdom!

Joke: What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

Joke: Did 3 laps around the gym today... Couldn't find a parking spot so I went home.

Joke: In a hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. The next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." "MEN NEVER LISTEN"

Joke: My Wife's birthday is coming up in a few months. She's leaving jewelry catalogs around the house. Think I'll buy her a magazine rack.

Joke: What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?

Joke: When your wife is mowing the lawn, that's probably not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.

Joke: What do clouds wear?

Joke: Why did the headless horseman start his own business?

Joke: Why are ghosts bad liars?

Joke: When one door closes, another one opens. This is the last time I'm buying a used car.

Joke: What do Christmas and crabs have in common?