The Joker

Joke: According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 3 days till Christmas

Joke: A businessman in the first-class cabin decided to chat up the drop-dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?" Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir" Businessman: "Lovely name ... Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close" Businessman: "How close?" Flight Attendant: "Same price."

Joke: What did one tampon say the the other?

Joke: What are the similarities between my first sexual experience and my first bike ride?

Joke: What's in the middle of a jellyfish?

Joke: I keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet... It reminds me of why there is no money there!

Joke: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.

Joke: I had a happy childhood; Dad would roll me down the hill in a tire. Those were Goodyears.

Joke: A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Joke: What do you call a brunette who dies her hair blonde?

Joke: Pour a measure of whiskey, gin, or rum in a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you're currently free from the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I've developed a headache which can also be a symptom.

Joke: Ate two cans of Alphabet Soup. Had a terrible vowel movement.

Joke: I can't believe it's that time of the year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbors yard.

Joke: I used to be a people person... but people ruined that for me!

Joke: Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake!

Joke: When your wife is mowing the lawn, that's probably not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.

Joke: A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

Joke: I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

Joke: Why did the vegetable call a plumber?

Joke: Why are ghosts bad liars?

Joke: What did the Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?

Joke: What part of the hospital has the least privacy?

Joke: A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?" "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Joke: An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" “There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't pee out of it," he replied......... The waiting room erupted in laughter!

Joke: What do you call a funny mountain?

Joke: What do snowmen have for breakfast?

Joke: A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff... Baa-dumm-tss.

Joke: The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on the neighborhood activities. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." He Shouted. He began his commentary as his parent put their a plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Smiths have company." He called out. "Noah's riding his new bike!" "Looks like the Stewarts are moving!" After a few moments... "Looks like the Robinson's are having sex!" Startled, his mom and dad sat up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Robinson is on his balcony with a popsicle."

Joke: Why do tigers have stripes?

Joke: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?