The Joker
Joke Count: 1228
Joke: Two, not very bright, pilots come in for a landing when the pilot has to slam on the brakes. Captain Bill looks over at Roger the co-pilot and says, "Damn that is the shortest runway we have ever landed on!" Roger takes a long look left, then a long look right and replies, "Yeah but look how wide it is!"
Joke: Neighbors house got TP'ed last night... Now it's listed on Zillow for $12.5 million.
Joke: Why didn't the ghost eat his candy?
Joke: Stop shredded cheese, make America grate again!
Joke: I'd share my poem about the wind....but it's only a draft.
Joke: Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?
Joke: Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
Joke: What do you call a funny mountain?
Joke: A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl, both box seats! He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3 pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too...She'll be the one in the white dress.
Joke: Where do baby fish sleep?
Joke: Why do tigers have stripes?
Joke: Why is water heavier than butane?
Joke: I used to be a people person... but people ruined that for me!
Joke: A man runs into the doctor's office screaming that he is shrinking. The doc says, "Calm down you just need to be a little patient."
Joke: My friend David lost his id, we now call him Dav.
Joke: Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted?
Joke: Warning! Coffee can make you aggressive. Yesterday I had 15 beers at the bar, and my wife had 3 cups of coffee at home. When I got home she was extremely pissed off.
Joke: What do clouds wear?
Joke: When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!
Joke: A woman is on trial for beating her husband with his guitars. The judge asks her, "first offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender."
Joke: I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me the Thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Joke: I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, "Must be nice".
Joke: If you don't know what this is don't ever join the Army. You don't even know an ambush when you see one.
Joke: Why didn't the lamp sink?
Joke: Pat is at the airport with a sack over each shoulder. When he is stopped at customs they fin that both sacks are full of mobile phones. When asked why Pat said, "Well, while I was on my travels in America, I got a phone call from my mate Mick and he told me he was starting a Jazz band and could I bring him two saxophones."
Joke: What are the similarities between my first sexual experience and my first bike ride?
Joke: A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor is still wet."
Joke: What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
Joke: My wife yelled down from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No." She responded, "How about now?"
Joke: So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell by just looking at them.