The Joker

Joke: I just released my own fragrance... Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

Joke: A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Joke: What do you call a brunette who dies her hair blonde?

Joke: Pour a measure of whiskey, gin, or rum in a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you're currently free from the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I've developed a headache which can also be a symptom.

Joke: Ate two cans of Alphabet Soup. Had a terrible vowel movement.

Joke: I can't believe it's that time of the year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbors yard.

Joke: I used to be a people person... but people ruined that for me!

Joke: Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake!

Joke: If you have to wear both mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

Joke: When your wife is mowing the lawn, that's probably not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.

Joke: A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

Joke: I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

Joke: Why did the vegetable call a plumber?

Joke: This girl said she recognized me from some vegan restaurant but I knew I'd never met herbivore.

Joke: My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her to dinner and a movie and then dropped her off at her parents' house.

Joke: I pretended to fall asleep and I fell asleep. Now, I'm going to pretend to be skinny.

Joke: What did the Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?

Joke: I'd share my poem about the wind....but it's only a draft.

Joke: An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" “There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't pee out of it," he replied......... The waiting room erupted in laughter!

Joke: What's in the middle of a jellyfish?

Joke: What do you call a funny mountain?

Joke: What do snowmen have for breakfast?

Joke: A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff... Baa-dumm-tss.

Joke: The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on the neighborhood activities. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." He Shouted. He began his commentary as his parent put their a plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Smiths have company." He called out. "Noah's riding his new bike!" "Looks like the Stewarts are moving!" After a few moments... "Looks like the Robinson's are having sex!" Startled, his mom and dad sat up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Robinson is on his balcony with a popsicle."

Joke: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Joke: A 72-year-old man had one hobby - he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog, and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' With age - comes wisdom!

Joke: A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "My penis" and the wife falls to the ground laughing, because on-screen it says, "Error, not long enough."

Joke: A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts cost $2.25... These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

Joke: What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

Joke: Did 3 laps around the gym today... Couldn't find a parking spot so I went home.