ELDERLY JOKES

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what is going on.

Grandma and grandpa where watching healing service on TV. The Pastor told all who wanted to be healed to put on hand on the TV and the other hand on a body part that wanted healing. Grandma slowly put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic shoulder. Grandpa too got up, put one hand on the TV and the other on his private parts. Grandma looked at him and says... "Dear, I guess you just don't get it do you? The purpose is to heal the sick NOT to raise the dead"!

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean? "His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal". That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"

I don't mind getting older... But my body is taking it badly!

At the age of 65 my grandma started walking 5 miles a day. She's 92 now and we have no idea where she is.

Once there was an old couple who went to the doctor for their checkup. They were told that nothing was physically wrong with them, but that they were both suffering from memory loss, and may want to start writing things down. That night when the couple is at home watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" the curious wife asks. "To the kitchen." "Okay. Can you get me something while you're in there?" "Sure. What?" "I'd like some ice cream please." The man starts to walk into the kitchen. The wife asks, "Shouldn't you write it down?" "Nah. I don't need to. You want ice cream. I can remember that." "Wait. I just remembered. I want strawberries on it too. Shouldn't you write it down? I'm not sure you can remember all of that." "I told you, I've got it. So you want ice cream with strawberries on top? "Yes. And oh! I'd like some whipped cream too if we have some. Are you sure you don't want to write that down?" The husband is irritated now. "Yes! You want ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! Geez!" He walks off into the kitchen muttering to himself. Twenty minutes later, the husband comes out of the kitchen with a plate of bacon and eggs, which he places in front of her. She just kind of stares at it for a minute, then looks up at him. "Where's my toast?"

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. "Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!" The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. "Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!" Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.