53 Elderly Jokes - Fart.com

Jan 21, 2020 Last updated: Apr 26, 2021

A hilarious collection of Elderly Jokes. Laugh at our elder elderly jokes with your funny friends.

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An Elderly Woman...

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch." "But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Peer Pressure

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

Elderly Jokes — Peer Pressure Joke Meme.

Memory Loss

Once there was an old couple who went to the doctor for their checkup. They were told that nothing was physically wrong with them, but that they were both suffering from memory loss, and may want to start writing things down. That night when the couple is at home watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" the curious wife asks. "To the kitchen." "Okay. Can you get me something while you're in there?" "Sure. What?" "I'd like some ice cream please." The man starts to walk into the kitchen. The wife asks, "Shouldn't you write it down?" "Nah. I don't need to. You want ice cream. I can remember that." "Wait. I just remembered. I want strawberries on it too. Shouldn't you write it down? I'm not sure you can remember all of that." "I told you, I've got it. So you want ice cream with strawberries on top? "Yes. And oh! I'd like some whipped cream too if we have some. Are you sure you don't want to write that down?" The husband is irritated now. "Yes! You want ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! Geez!" He walks off into the kitchen muttering to himself. Twenty minutes later, the husband comes out of the kitchen with a plate of bacon and eggs, which he places in front of her. She just kind of stares at it for a minute, then looks up at him. "Where's my toast?"

An Elderly Man Lay Dying In His Bed Joke

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered enough strength to get out of bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies. Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"

Fifty Fithy

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Elderly Jokes — Fifty Fithy Joke Meme

Clean Dishes

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean? "His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal". That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"

Silent Farts That Don't Stink

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. "Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!" The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. "Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!" The doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

Elders' Joke

Grandma and grandpa where watching healing service on TV. The Pastor told all who wanted to be healed to put on hand on the TV and the other hand on a body part that wanted healing. Grandma slowly put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic shoulder. Grandpa too got up, put one hand on the TV and the other on his private parts. Grandma looked at him and says... "Dear, I guess you just don't get it do you? The purpose is to heal the sick NOT to raise the dead"!

Elderly Jokes — Elders' Joke Joke Meme

Getting Old Joke

I don't mind getting older... But my body is taking it badly!

Hearing Aid Joke

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.

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