ONE LINER JOKES

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

Here's a question for all you mindreader's out there.

Ever wonder why bottled water costs so much when there is so much of it?

How do you slow down a running horse?

Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative.

I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong!

The religious right is neither.

If you go Skydiving, and your parachute fails, you have the rest of your life to try to fix it.

Corduroy pillows, they're making headlines.

I like to tell chemistry jokes, but I never get a good reaction.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

If all else fails... lower your standards.

Astronomy is looking up.

Cornona Virus, it's an inside joke.

Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance.

My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them!

Your pants won't get to tight if you don't wear any.

Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.

Some days you're the Dog, & Some days you're the Hydrant.

My brother mounted a dartboard on the ceiling of his man cave. This made me throw up.

In-dis-tinct: Where one places dirty dishes (in the sink).

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Loosing weight doesn't seem like it's working, so I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

I have a fear of speed bumps... I'm slowly getting over it.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds!

Always wanted to be a comedian but everyone just laughed at me!

You've all heard of TGIF - Thank God It's Friday, right? Well my Assistant refers to Friday as POETS day... Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday!

Some people won't admit their faults. I would if I had any.

No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

Google must be a woman because it knows everything!

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like it says on the bottle.

I used to be a people person... but people ruined that for me!

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

I don't mean to brag but cashiers are always checking me out.

What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you?

A group of baboons is called a congress. (that is the joke)

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry... Then things get worse.

If George is 68 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does George have?

Sometimes it takes me eight hours to get nothing done.

When it rains do tall people get wet first?

To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.

Broken pencils are pointless.

A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."

Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.