I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?
A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.
Ever wonder why bottled water costs so much when there is so much of it?
Spell "evian" backwards.
Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Corduroy pillows, they're making headlines.
Astronomy is looking up.
Cornona Virus, it's an inside joke.
I like to tell chemistry jokes, but I never get a good reaction.
Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance.
My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them!
I have a fear of speed bumps... I'm slowly getting over it.
Some people won't admit their faults. I would if I had any.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Loosing weight doesn't seem like it's working, so I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
Your pants won't get to tight if you don't wear any.
Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds!
How do you slow down a running horse?
Place a bet on him.
You've all heard of TGIF - Thank God It's Friday, right? Well my Assistant refers to Friday as POETS day... Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday!
In-dis-tinct: Where one places dirty dishes (in the sink).
No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
I used to be a people person... but people ruined that for me!
What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you?
Too late, I already told.
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like it says on the bottle.
A group of baboons is called a congress. (that is the joke)
I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
If George is 68 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does George have?
To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.
Sometimes it takes me eight hours to get nothing done.
When it rains do tall people get wet first?
Broken pencils are pointless.
Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.