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One Liner Jokes

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A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

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I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

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Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

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Here's a question for all you mindreader's out there.

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I have a joke about pizza... It's a little cheesy!

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Ever wonder why bottled water costs so much when there is so much of it?

Spell "evian" backwards.

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How do you slow down a running horse?

Place a bet on him.

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The religious right is neither.

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Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

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When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

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Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

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If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative.

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I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong!

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If you go Skydiving, and your parachute fails, you have the rest of your life to try to fix it.

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Corduroy pillows, they're making headlines.

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I like to tell chemistry jokes, but I never get a good reaction.

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Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

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If all else fails... lower your standards.

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I tried Wookie meat... It was Chewy.

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Astronomy is looking up.

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Cornona Virus, it's an inside joke.

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Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

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Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.

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Does anyone remember the joke about a chiropractor I put on here about a week back?

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Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

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My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them!

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Your pants won't get to tight if you don't wear any.

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Some days you're the Dog, & Some days you're the Hydrant.

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If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

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Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the crap out of them until the light comes on!

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I have a horse named Mayo... Mayo neighs!

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I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance.

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In-dis-tinct: Where one places dirty dishes (in the sink).

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

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Loosing weight doesn't seem like it's working, so I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

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I have a fear of speed bumps... I'm slowly getting over it.

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Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

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Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds!

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Always wanted to be a comedian but everyone just laughed at me!

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My brother mounted a dartboard on the ceiling of his man cave. This made me throw up.

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Comic sans implies the existence of tragic sans.

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Some people won't admit their faults. I would if I had any.

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No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

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Google must be a woman because it knows everything!

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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

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When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like it says on the bottle.

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I used to be a people person... but people ruined that for me!

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Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

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I don't mean to brag but cashiers are always checking me out.

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You've all heard of TGIF - Thank God It's Friday, right? Well my Assistant refers to Friday as POETS day... Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday!

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What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you?

Too late, I already told.

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I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

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We are born naked, wet, and hungry... Then things get worse.

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If your home doesn't have house numbers on it, you should address that!

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A group of baboons is called a congress. (that is the joke)

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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff... Baa-dumm-tss.

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I don't trust stairs... They're always up to something.

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Sometimes it takes me eight hours to get nothing done.

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If George is 68 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does George have?

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When it rains do tall people get wet first?

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To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.

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Broken pencils are pointless.

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A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."

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Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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