The Joker

Joke: I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. The little bell rang but it was still a potato.

Joke: What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?

Joke: How much did Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Joke: I thought about going on an all almond diet... But that's just nuts!

Joke: Neighbors house got TP'ed last night... Now it's listed on Zillow for $12.5 million.

Joke: Why didn't the ghost eat his candy?

Joke: What is the safest room in a haunted house?

Joke: I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, "Must be nice".

Joke: Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?

Joke: Why didn't the lamp sink?

Joke: I never really thought communism would work. Way to many red flags.

Joke: Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.

Joke: Saturday night I was in a bar having a beer, minding my own business, when this big, hairy, mean, drunk biker dude gets in my face, and starts screaming "SUGAR IS THE ONLY WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WHERE THE S SOUNDS LIKE SH. AM I RIGHT?" I didn't want to cause any trouble, so i said "Sure."

Joke: If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges... My door is always open.

Joke: An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" “There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't pee out of it," he replied......... The waiting room erupted in laughter!

Joke: There is a coin shortage. America is officially out of common cents.

Joke: What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?

Joke: Why shouldn't snowmen get angry?

Joke: What's a nacho's favorite dance?

Joke: A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor is still wet."

Joke: Why did the football player bring string to the game?

Joke: Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Joke: So, I got pulled over in the carpool lane the other day. When the officer asked where my passenger was. I told him due to social distancing, he was in the car behind me.

Joke: What is a tree's favorite drink?

Joke: How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?

Joke: What is the #1 cause of divorce?

Joke: How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?

Joke: What kind of tree fits in your hand?

Joke: I don't mean to brag but cashiers are always checking me out.

Joke: What do you call someone who searches for paper towels?