I read all the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What you find in an Italian forest!
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn't on top of your car anymore.
A smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness, and a friend like me, well, that's a sign of good taste.
Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?
Their specialty is steamed mussels.
I bet you would be very motivated to lose weight if it went to somebody you didn't like.
A man enters a pharmacy and quietly walks around for a minute or two, then finally approaches the lady behind the counter. "May I speak to the pharmacist, please?", he asks. The lady responds, "I am the pharmacist." The man asks if there is a male pharmacist, and the lady pharmacist responds, "No, but please don't be concerned, I have been a pharmacist, and my sister and I have owned this pharmacy, for many years, and there is nothing you could ask that would be embarrassing to us. "Well . . ", the man hesitantly says, "I have this problem . . . I have a perpetual erection, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist responds, "Let me discuss this with my sister, I'll be back in a couple of minutes." After a few minutes, the pharmacist returns and says, "My sister and I have given it much thought and have decided that the best we could do is $20,000 and half of the business."
What do you call an alien without ears?
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
If each day is a gift, can we get a refund on the shitty ones?
After losing in last night's Powerball, I've decided to declare myselft the winner and to file lawsuits until I win!
How can you spot a happy motorcyclist?
By the bugs in his teeth.
I just asked myself if I'm crazy. We said no.
What's the difference between a leg and an egg?
You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!
Last night dreamt I was eating giant marshmallows. When I woke up this morning my pillows were gone.
So somewhere out in space two alien life forms are talking with each other. The first one says "The dominant life forms on the planet earth have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons "The second one asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien replies, " I don't think so. they have them aimed at themselves!".
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. ..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
What happens when the smog clears over southern California?
A man decided that he was going to ride a road bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Porsche pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Porsche found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Porsche blew past them. Forgetting completely about the cyclist he's towing, the Porsche pulling the bike immediately took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Porsches, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Porsches headed his way at over 90 mph. He then delayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's this REALLY amazing guy on a road bike honking to pass!"
I have a friend that's a little nuts. He thinks he is a chicken sometimes. I probably wouldn't hang around with him much but I can use the eggs.
What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
Did a little mechanic work today. Put a rear end in a recliner.
What's another name for a push-up bra?
What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it?
So Cara went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condKevinnces, asked Cara what she would like to say about Kevin. Cara replied, "You just put 'Kevin died.' " The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Kevin died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Kevin. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Cara pondered for a few minutes! and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Kevin died. Boat for sale.' "
Whenever I'm sitting on a bench all by myself and someone I don't know sits beside me I just look straight forward and ask "did you bring the money?"
Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.
Why don't brunettes get breast implants?
They've already spent their money on thigh and butt implants.
If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
The wicked witch from the south watches the watch that’s turning anti-clockwise, so now everyone knows now which witch watches what watch.
John and Rick were borthers who worked at a used car dealership. One day Rick came to work with bandages on both ears. John noticed and asked, "How did you burn your ears?". Rick explained, "You see, I was ironing my Reyn Spooner when the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron. John, then asked, "So how did you burn your other ear?" Rick replied, "The person called back."
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Donny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane... The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?" The excited young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure... So what is it?" "Your eyes!"
Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes first. That way if you do criticize them you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
I told my friend not to buy his shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what they are laced with but he has been tripping all day.
Cremation is your last chance for a smoking hot body!
Laundry: Washing - 30 minutes, drying - 60 minutes, putting away - 7 to 10 business days.
What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?
They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.
The biggest difference between time and money: You always know how much money you have but you never know how much time you have.
Funny guys are dangerous, they'll make you laugh and laugh and laugh then boom you're naked.
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in?" "Well," said the man, "I lie extensively."
A man has just been in a car accident and has severe brain damage. So his sister is called in to take care of his medical decisions. First off, the doctor decides the man needs a new brain since his is so badly damaged. So they need to go find a brain for the transplant. They go down to the basement where all the brains are and there are 3 jars. The doctor points to the first jar and says, "That brain belonged to a woman. It will cost your brother $20 a gram." The doctor then points to the second jar, "That will cost you $40 a gram. It once belonged to one of our female doctors and she was quite a brilliant person." The doctor then points to the third jar and says, "That is a brain that once belonged to a man. It costs $200 a gram." The sister replies, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?" The doctor replies, "Are you joking!? Do you know how hard it is to find a gram of a male's brain?"
A king lived in a big beautiful glass castle in a most beautiful kingdom yet he spent his days collecting expensive thrones and saying bad things about everyone in his kingdom. So one day it all came crashing down and killed him all because he had stored all those thrones in the attic of his big glass castle. The moral of this story is people who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
A kid was playing outside and came in for some lunch when his mom asked him what he had been doing. "I was playing pirates with my friends," the kid says. "That's nice, where are your buccaneers now?" his mom asks. The kid answers "they're under my buckin' hat mom."
The definition of a stalker is when two people go on a long romantic walk together but only one really knows about it.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
Lazy is a very strong word. I like to call it "Selective Participation".
Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)... I can't see you anymore... I am not going to let you hurt me like this again! Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
What do you call a brunette who dies her hair blonde?
What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
Picked up a hitchhiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killer being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause.............."Tag! You're it."
I got in touch with my inner self today... That's the last time I buy 1-ply toilet paper at the dollar store.
I asked, "Alexa, what do women want?" It hasn't shut up for nine days!
Once there were three friends, None, Someone, and Mad. One day they went to a park and suddenly None started fighting with Someone. Mad didn't know what to do so he called the near security guard. He said, "Security, None is fighting with Someone! ".The security look t him surprisingly and said, "Are you mad?". Then Mad said, "Yes, I am Mad." Then the security took Mad to the police station and None and Someone kept fighting.
If you see me smiling, it's because I'm thinking of doing something naughty. If you see me laughing, I've already done it.
The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.
Seriously, I don't know when exactly that UFO landed and dumped all these stupid people, but they apparently aren't coming back for them!
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yeah." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim, play tennis and even ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. Just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he would never be a musician, just because he was deaf. But, did he listen?
Rabbits jump and the live for an average of 8 years. Dog's run and they live for an average of 15 years. Turtles do nothing and can live for over 15o years... Lesson learned.
Wife, "Honey, don't forget to buy bread when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you." Husband, "Who is Valerie?" Wife, "Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw buy text." Husband, "But I'm with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?" Wife, "What?! Where are you?" Husband, "Near the bakery." Wife, "Wait, I'm coming right now!" After five minutes the wife sends a message: Wife, "I'm at the bakery, where are you?" Husband, "I'm at work. Now that you're at the bakery, you can buy the bread!"
Since there is only one of me, does that make me endangered or a limited edition?
A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
It was a bright sunny day!
We all know that mirrors don't lie... I'm just grateful they don't laugh!
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
I know I shouldn't have, but I am old and I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again, Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
Sometimes it takes me eight hours to get nothing done.
My mind is exceptionally quiet... I'm suspicious that I'm up to something I don't want myself to know about.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I sew it through my telescope last night.
When one door closes, another one opens. This is the last time I'm buying a used car.
I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!
Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.
Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.
The other day I went to see a psychic. When I knocked on the door she shouted, "Who's there?" So I left.
When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish.
What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?