I read all the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you call an alien without ears?
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
I bet you would be very motivated to lose weight if it went to somebody you didn't like.
What happens when the smog clears over southern California?
UCLA
Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?
Their specialty is steamed mussels.
What's another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement.
So Cara went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condKevinnces, asked Cara what she would like to say about Kevin. Cara replied, "You just put 'Kevin died.' " The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Kevin died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Kevin. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Cara pondered for a few minutes! and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Kevin died. Boat for sale.' "
How can you spot a happy motorcyclist?
By the bugs in his teeth.
John and Rick were borthers who worked at a used car dealership. One day Rick came to work with bandages on both ears. John noticed and asked, "How did you burn your ears?". Rick explained, "You see, I was ironing my Reyn Spooner when the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron. John, then asked, "So how did you burn your other ear?" Rick replied, "The person called back."
What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it?
His head.
What's the difference between a leg and an egg?
You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Donny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in?" "Well," said the man, "I lie extensively."
A man has just been in a car accident and has severe brain damage. So his sister is called in to take care of his medical decisions. First off, the doctor decides the man needs a new brain since his is so badly damaged. So they need to go find a brain for the transplant. They go down to the basement where all the brains are and there are 3 jars. The doctor points to the first jar and says, "That brain belonged to a woman. It will cost your brother $20 a gram." The doctor then points to the second jar, "That will cost you $40 a gram. It once belonged to one of our female doctors and she was quite a brilliant person." The doctor then points to the third jar and says, "That is a brain that once belonged to a man. It costs $200 a gram." The sister replies, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?" The doctor replies, "Are you joking!? Do you know how hard it is to find a gram of a male's brain?"
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
It was a bright sunny day!
We all know that mirrors don't lie... I'm just grateful they don't laugh!
My mind is exceptionally quiet... I'm suspicious that I'm up to something I don't want myself to know about.
What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp.