I read all the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What's bigotry?
What you find in an Italian forest!
What do you call an alien without ears?
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
I bet you would be very motivated to lose weight if it went to somebody you didn't like.
Last night dreamt I was eating giant marshmallows. When I woke up this morning my pillows were gone.
What's the difference between a leg and an egg?
You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!
What happens when the smog clears over southern California?
UCLA
How can you spot a happy motorcyclist?
By the bugs in his teeth.
Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes first. That way if you do criticize them you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?
Their specialty is steamed mussels.
What's another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement.
What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it?
His head.
So Cara went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condKevinnces, asked Cara what she would like to say about Kevin. Cara replied, "You just put 'Kevin died.' " The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Kevin died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Kevin. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Cara pondered for a few minutes! and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Kevin died. Boat for sale.' "
John and Rick were borthers who worked at a used car dealership. One day Rick came to work with bandages on both ears. John noticed and asked, "How did you burn your ears?". Rick explained, "You see, I was ironing my Reyn Spooner when the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron. John, then asked, "So how did you burn your other ear?" Rick replied, "The person called back."
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Donny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane... The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?" The excited young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure... So what is it?" "Your eyes!"
Whenever I'm sitting on a bench all by myself and someone I don't know sits beside me I just look straight forward and ask "did you bring the money?"
A king lived in a big beautiful glass castle in a most beautiful kingdom yet he spent his days collecting expensive thrones and saying bad things about everyone in his kingdom. So one day it all came crashing down and killed him all because he had stored all those thrones in the attic of his big glass castle. The moral of this story is people who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in?" "Well," said the man, "I lie extensively."
A man has just been in a car accident and has severe brain damage. So his sister is called in to take care of his medical decisions. First off, the doctor decides the man needs a new brain since his is so badly damaged. So they need to go find a brain for the transplant. They go down to the basement where all the brains are and there are 3 jars. The doctor points to the first jar and says, "That brain belonged to a woman. It will cost your brother $20 a gram." The doctor then points to the second jar, "That will cost you $40 a gram. It once belonged to one of our female doctors and she was quite a brilliant person." The doctor then points to the third jar and says, "That is a brain that once belonged to a man. It costs $200 a gram." The sister replies, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?" The doctor replies, "Are you joking!? Do you know how hard it is to find a gram of a male's brain?"
I told my friend not to buy his shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what they are laced with but he has been tripping all day.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
A kid was playing outside and came in for some lunch when his mom asked him what he had been doing. "I was playing pirates with my friends," the kid says. "That's nice, where are your buccaneers now?" his mom asks. The kid answers "they're under my buckin' hat mom."
Picked up a hitchhiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killer being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
It was a bright sunny day!
We all know that mirrors don't lie... I'm just grateful they don't laugh!
Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.
My mind is exceptionally quiet... I'm suspicious that I'm up to something I don't want myself to know about.
When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish.
What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp.