118 MISC JOKES

Question 1

Professional Help

I think I need professional help...

Question 2

Everything But . . . .

I read all the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!

Question 3

Snowmen Joke

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Question 4

A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun Joke

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

Question 5

Don't Honk At Birds

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn't on top of your car anymore.

Question 6

Funny Guys Are Dangerous

Funny guys are dangerous, they'll make you laugh and laugh and laugh then boom you're naked.

Question 7

Peloton Bike Joke

How can you tell when someone in the room owns a Peloton Bike?

Question 8

And Lots Of Them!

What's bigotry?

Question 9

Sauna Restaurant Joke

Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?

Punch Line

VOTE

Question 10

Fooled You

What's another name for a push-up bra?

Question 11

If It's Not... Don't

If it's not yours, don't take it. If it's not true, don't say it. If it's not right, don't do it.

Question 12

No Fault Of Mine Joke

Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

Question 13

How I Burnt My Ears.

John and Rick were borthers who worked at a used car dealership. One day Rick came to work with bandages on both ears. John noticed and asked, "How did you burn your ears?". Rick explained, "You see, I was ironing my Reyn Spooner when the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron. John, then asked, "So how did you burn your other ear?" Rick replied, "The person called back."

Question 14

Weight Loss

I bet you would be very motivated to lose weight if it went to somebody you didn't like.

Question 15

Long Bike Ride Joke

A man decided that he was going to ride a road bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Porsche pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Porsche found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Porsche blew past them. Forgetting completely about the cyclist he's towing, the Porsche pulling the bike immediately took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Porsches, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Porsches headed his way at over 90 mph. He then delayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's this REALLY amazing guy on a road bike honking to pass!"

Question 16

Good Signs

A smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness, and a friend like me, well, that's a sign of good taste.

Question 17

Female Pharmacist

A man enters a pharmacy and quietly walks around for a minute or two, then finally approaches the lady behind the counter. "May I speak to the pharmacist, please?", he asks. The lady responds, "I am the pharmacist." The man asks if there is a male pharmacist, and the lady pharmacist responds, "No, but please don't be concerned, I have been a pharmacist, and my sister and I have owned this pharmacy, for many years, and there is nothing you could ask that would be embarrassing to us. "Well . . ", the man hesitantly says, "I have this problem . . . I have a perpetual erection, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist responds, "Let me discuss this with my sister, I'll be back in a couple of minutes." After a few minutes, the pharmacist returns and says, "My sister and I have given it much thought and have decided that the best we could do is $20,000 and half of the business."

Question 18

So Many Stupid People

Seriously, I don't know when exactly that UFO landed and dumped all these stupid people, but they apparently aren't coming back for them!

Question 19

One More Bad Decision

I'm pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and I'll have the whole set.

Question 20

The Leg

What's the difference between a leg and an egg?

Question 21

Alien Without Ears

What do you call an alien without ears?

Question 22

Every Day Is A Gift Joke

If each day is a gift, can we get a refund on the shitty ones?

Question 23

How To Win Powerball

After losing in last night's Powerball, I've decided to declare myselft the winner and to file lawsuits until I win!

Question 24

How To Spot A Happy Motorcyclist

How can you spot a happy motorcyclist?

Question 25

Marshmallow Dream Joke

Last night dreamt I was eating giant marshmallows. When I woke up this morning my pillows were gone.

Question 26

Human Intelligence

So somewhere out in space two alien life forms are talking with each other. The first one says "The dominant life forms on the planet earth have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons "The second one asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien replies, " I don't think so. they have them aimed at themselves!".

Question 27

Ex Wife Dress Joke

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.” A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.” Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear……I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

Question 28

I'm Crazy Joke

I just asked myself if I'm crazy. We said no.

Question 29

Thinks He's A Chicken Joke

I have a friend that's a little nuts. He thinks he is a chicken sometimes. I probably wouldn't hang around with him much but I can use the eggs.

Question 30

Here's Your Sign

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. ..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

Question 31

Digging And Filling Holes

There were two men working for the city council. One would dig and dig and dig until a deep hole in the ground appeared. The other would come behind him and fill the hole with piles of dirt. The two men worked furiously: one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching the pair from the footpath but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask. He said to the hole digger: “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!” The hole digger replied: “Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”

Question 32

Coffin Joke

I saw an ad for a coffin and thought... "That's the last thing I need!"

Question 33

Date Joke

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. That's when I know we weren't going to work out.

Question 34

California Smog

What happens when the smog clears over southern California?

Question 35

A King In A Big Glass Castle

A king lived in a big beautiful glass castle in a most beautiful kingdom yet he spent his days collecting expensive thrones and saying bad things about everyone in his kingdom. So one day it all came crashing down and killed him all because he had stored all those thrones in the attic of his big glass castle. The moral of this story is people who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Question 36

Kid Playing Pirate Pun

A kid was playing outside and came in for some lunch when his mom asked him what he had been doing. "I was playing pirates with my friends," the kid says. "That's nice, where are your buccaneers now?" his mom asks. The kid answers "they're under my buckin' hat mom."

Question 37

Jeff Foxworthy You Might Be Canadian

If someone in a Home Depot store

Offers you assistance and they don't work there,

You may live in Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,

You may live in Canada.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation

With someone who dialed a wrong number,

You may live in Canada.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere

South of Detroit for the weekend,

You may live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours,

You may live in Canada.

If you know several people

Who have hit a deer more than once,

You may live in Canada.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'

In the same day and back again,

You may live in Canada.

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow

During a raging blizzard without flinching,

You may live in Canada.

If you install security lights on your house and garage,

But leave both unlocked,

You may live in Canada.

If you carry jumper cables in your car

And your wife knows how to use them,

You may live in Canada.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume

To fit over a snowsuit,

You may live in Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --

You're going 95 and everybody is passing you,

You may live in Canada.

If driving is better in the winter

Because the potholes are filled with snow,

You may live in Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter,

and road construction,

You may live in Canada.

If you have more miles

On your snow blower than your car,

You may live in Canada.

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',

You may live in Canada.

If you actually understand these jokes,

and forward them to all your friends,

you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.

Question 38

Drug Dealer Shoe Pun

I told my friend not to buy his shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what they are laced with but he has been tripping all day.

Question 39

How To Drove In The Winter

Tips for winter driving. 1) Install winter tires. 2) Drive south. 3) Continue until you see palm trees. 4) Apply brakes and sunscreen.

Question 40

Sitting Alone On A Bench Joke

Whenever I'm sitting on a bench all by myself and someone I don't know sits beside me I just look straight forward and ask, "Did you bring the money?"

Question 41

Anti-clockwise Watch

The wicked witch from the south watches the watch that’s turning anti-clockwise, so now everyone knows now which witch watches what watch.

Question 42

Nair Hair Removal Warnings!

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you’re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

Question 43

Joined A Gym

It's been six months since I joined the gym and still no progress. I'm going there tomorrow to find out what's going on.

Question 44

Weight Loss Scam Joke

I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" scams.

Question 45

The Brains

A man has just been in a car accident and has severe brain damage. So his sister is called in to take care of his medical decisions. First off, the doctor decides the man needs a new brain since his is so badly damaged. So they need to go find a brain for the transplant. They go down to the basement where all the brains are and there are 3 jars. The doctor points to the first jar and says, "That brain belonged to a woman. It will cost your brother $20 a gram." The doctor then points to the second jar, "That will cost you $40 a gram. It once belonged to one of our female doctors and she was quite a brilliant person." The doctor then points to the third jar and says, "That is a brain that once belonged to a man. It costs $200 a gram." The sister replies, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?" The doctor replies, "Are you joking!? Do you know how hard it is to find a gram of a male's brain?"

Question 46

Resignation As An Adult

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause.............."Tag! You're it."

Question 47

Cremation Pun

Cremation is your last chance for a smoking hot body!

Question 48

Don't Listen Joke

Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. Just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he would never be a musician, just because he was deaf. But, did he listen?

Question 49

Personal Trainer Joke

Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)... I can't see you anymore... I am not going to let you hurt me like this again! Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

Question 50

Brunette Joke #4

What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?

Question 51

Brunette #1

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?

Question 52

Time Vs Money

The biggest difference between time and money: You always know how much money you have but you never know how much time you have.

Question 53

Hitchhiker Joke

Picked up a hitchhiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killer being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

Question 54

Quiet Mind

My mind is exceptionally quiet... I'm suspicious that I'm up to something I don't want myself to know about.

Question 55

Whiskey And Worms

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Donny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Question 56

Walk A Mile In Their Shoes Joke

Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes first. That way if you do criticize them you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

Question 57

Box Of Tampons Joke

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yeah." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim, play tennis and even ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

Question 58

Definition Of A Stalker

The definition of a stalker is when two people go on a long romantic walk together but only one really knows about it.

Question 59

Laundry Joke

Laundry: Washing - 30 minutes, drying - 60 minutes, putting away - 7 to 10 business days.

Question 60

Brunette Joke #5

Why don't brunettes get breast implants?

Question 61

The Three Friends

Once there were three friends, None, Someone, and Mad. One day they went to a park and suddenly None started fighting with Someone. Mad didn't know what to do so he called the near security guard. He said, "Security, None is fighting with Someone! ".The security look t him surprisingly and said, "Are you mad?". Then Mad said, "Yes, I am Mad." Then the security took Mad to the police station and None and Someone kept fighting.

Question 62

Mechanic Joke

Did a little mechanic work today. Put a rear end in a recliner.

Question 63

Three Men Die In A Car Crash Joke

After dying in a car crash, three friends went to Heaven for an orientation session. They were all asked the same question: When you were in your casket and your family and friends were mourning over you, what would you like to hear when they talk about you? The first guy responded: "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man." The second guy said: "I would love to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow" Then the third guy thought for a while and then replied: "I guess I'd like to hear them say: 'Look.. he's moving"

Question 64

Eye Spy

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane... The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?" The excited young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure... So what is it?" "Your eyes!"

118 MISC JOKES

Misc Jokes

Professional Help

Everything But . . . .

Snowmen Joke

A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun Joke

Don't Honk At Birds

Funny Guys Are Dangerous

Peloton Bike Joke

And Lots Of Them!

Sauna Restaurant Joke

Fooled You

If It's Not... Don't

No Fault Of Mine Joke

How I Burnt My Ears.

Weight Loss

Long Bike Ride Joke

Good Signs

Female Pharmacist

So Many Stupid People

One More Bad Decision

The Leg

Alien Without Ears

Every Day Is A Gift Joke

How To Win Powerball

How To Spot A Happy Motorcyclist

Marshmallow Dream Joke

Human Intelligence

Ex Wife Dress Joke

I'm Crazy Joke

Thinks He's A Chicken Joke

Here's Your Sign

Digging And Filling Holes

Coffin Joke

Date Joke

California Smog

A King In A Big Glass Castle

Kid Playing Pirate Pun

Jeff Foxworthy You Might Be Canadian

Drug Dealer Shoe Pun

How To Drove In The Winter

Sitting Alone On A Bench Joke

Anti-clockwise Watch

Nair Hair Removal Warnings!

Joined A Gym

Weight Loss Scam Joke

The Brains

Resignation As An Adult

Cremation Pun

Don't Listen Joke

Personal Trainer Joke

Brunette Joke #4

Brunette #1

Time Vs Money

Hitchhiker Joke

Quiet Mind

Whiskey And Worms

Walk A Mile In Their Shoes Joke

Box Of Tampons Joke

Definition Of A Stalker

Laundry Joke

Brunette Joke #5

The Three Friends

Mechanic Joke

Three Men Die In A Car Crash Joke

Eye Spy

Two Italians On A Bus

Lazy Dog

Grocery List

Which Witch Watch Halloween Joke

Don't Correct A Fool

Over-indulgences

Exersize And Life Expectancy

What Women Want

The Good And Bad News

Only One

Singing In The Shower

Mark The Hunter

I Was A Kamikaze Pilot

How To Solve 100% Of Your Problems