The Joker

Joke Count: 1228
Joke: Why are pirates great singers?
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Joke: I feel bad for parents nowadays. You have to be able to explain the birds and the bees... The bees & the bees... The birds and the birds... The birds that used to be bees... The bees that used to be birds... The birds that look like bees... Plus bees that look like birds but still got a stinger!
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Joke: What is blue and not heavy?
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Joke: We should ban jokes about clones... they're all the same!
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Joke: A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
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Joke: How do you get a farm girls attention?
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Joke: Darth Vaders sister Elle Vader.
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Joke: A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up'.The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.' The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in..' 'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog. There should be a bowl by the pump.' They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked. This is Heaven,' he answered. 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
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Joke: The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.
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Joke: The Flat Earth Society recently announced that they now have members all around the globe.
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Joke: Where do football players go to get a new uniform?
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Joke: To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
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Joke: I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.
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Joke: In life, it is very important to know when to stop arguing with people and just let them be wrong!
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Joke: Would February March? No, but April May.
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Joke: I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.
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Joke: According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 3 days till Christmas
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Joke: What day of the week does a potato hate the most?
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Joke: Today I bought a donut without sprinkles... Diets are hard!
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Joke: So this guy asked his blond girlfriend what was her password and she told him it was "mickeyminniedonaldgoofyhueydueylouieplutohonolulu". When he asked her why she had such a long password she just rolled her eyes and said "hello! it does have to be at least eight characters and include a capital too!"
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Joke: I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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Joke: Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?
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Joke: How did the caveman survive the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs?
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Joke: I wish I still had that igloo. But when I moved into it, my friends threw me a housewarming party. And I no longer had an igloo.
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Joke: My uncle asked me what does IDK mean? I said, "I Don't Know". He said, "Damn, nobody does!"
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Joke: A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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Joke: What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?
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Joke: What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
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Joke: I know I shouldn't have, but I am old and I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again, Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
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Joke: Huge fight at seafood restaurant. Battered fish everywhere!
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