The Joker

Joke: Stop blaming everyone for all your problems...

Joke: My job is secure. No one else wants it.

Joke: Why was the spider using the computer?

Joke: This was a terrible day. First my ex-wife got hit by a bus. Then, I lost my job as a bus driver.

Joke: A neighbor suggested I put manure on my strawberries. Tasted horrible! I'm sticking with whipped cream!

Joke: Today I saw an ad that said, "Radio for sale $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Joke: If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Joke: If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to the lock calmly. Because communication is key.

Joke: Warning! Coffee can make you aggressive. Yesterday I had 15 beers at the bar, and my wife had 3 cups of coffee at home. When I got home she was extremely pissed off.

Joke: Why are pirates great singers?

Joke: I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for lollies, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Well, I was really impressed, and when I got outside I saw the grandfather loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I walked over and said to the Grandad "Its none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad." "Thanks," said the Granddad. "But I am William. That little a-hole's name is Kevin!

Joke: How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

Joke: A man runs into the doctor's office screaming that he is shrinking. The doc says, "Calm down you just need to be a little patient."

Joke: In life, it is very important to know when to stop arguing with people and just let them be wrong!

Joke: Ran out of toilet paper today and now using lettuce. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Joke: Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Trinidad. One day at the airport they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' What's that? 'Have you farted yet? No.' Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Barbados......

Joke: To me, essential oils are what drips out of a taco.

Joke: Darth Vaders sister Elle Vader.

Joke: Sad news today, the guy that invented the boomerang hand grenade died yesterday during product testing.

Joke: What day of the week does a potato hate the most?

Joke: The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

Joke: I hate it when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". There stupid.

Joke: What did one plate say to the other plate?

Joke: Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Joke: I wish I still had that igloo. But when I moved into it, my friends threw me a housewarming party. And I no longer had an igloo.

Joke: Two mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says, "I'm kind of scared out here." The other replies, "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

Joke: What's the difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser?

Joke: Huge fight at seafood restaurant. Battered fish everywhere!

Joke: Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza, I ate pizza.

Joke: We should ban jokes about clones... they're all the same!