Whenever I try and eat healthy a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers!
I found out that my grandpa is addicted to Viagra... no one is taking it harder than grandma!
I think I need professional help...
A chef, a butler, and a maid shall do it.
Confucius say man who walks around with hands in pocket all day long feels cocky.
I had to fire the guy who cut my lawn... He just didn't cut it!
I don't know how to use TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and tell time on clocks with hands... so there's that.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
I was watching TV, my son was in a chair behind me reading a book. He said "dad, what does gays mean?" I got nervous, I said, "well, you know how me and your mother loves each other, its the same thing but with two men." He said "oh, ok. What does penetrating gays mean." Looking confused I said read me the sentence. He read, "She stared at her husband with a penetrating gaze".....
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!
Why can't ticks keep a secret?
Everyone knows a Tic Toks.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any.
Did you know that people who have to wear glasses with their mask... may be entitled to condensation.
How does a Japanese dog say hello?
Konnichi wa wa!
Which tree is the most pensive?
The ponder-osa pine.
You only need two tools in life... WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40... If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape.
What music do optometrists listen to?
I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.
He said, "Tell me more."
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech tree says to the birch tree, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker into!"
Oh no! Clocks go back on November 1st. and I can't remember where I bought mine from!
What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?
I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends... It means a lot to them!
The guy who stole my iPad... He should FaceTime!
What was the elephant doing on the highway?
About 5 mph.
I woke up to drink some water in the middle of the night and I accidentally ate a whole pizza and cheesecake.
What should you do with all your spare umbrellas?
Save them for a rainy day!
Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
Why do Leprechauns like to garden?
They have green thumbs!
Did you hear that Jon Bon Jovi is on a strict fruit diet?
He's living on a pear.
Why couldn't the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married.
What stays in one corner but goes all over the US?
Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
To make ends meat.
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.
As you get older, you'll realize that a $300 watch and a $30 watch both tell the same time. A Micheal Kors wallet and a Forever 21 wallet hold the same amount of money. A $300,000 house and a $100,000 house host the same loneliness. A Ford will drive you as far as a Bentley. True happiness is not found in materialistic things, it comes from the love and laughter found with each other. Stay humble... the holes dug for us in the ground are the same size.
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!
I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!
What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Seven days without a taco makes Juan weak!
I have a joke about pizza... It's a little cheesy!
When French people stub their toe, do they say "Ow-Oui"?
A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!"
Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
It was a shih tzu.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Why did the pig have ink all over his face?
Because it came out of the pen.
I shaved my head when I started going bald years ago, but I still carry a comb... I just can’t part with it.
Your final memory will be going down a dark tunnel with a light at the end... That's my earliest memory too!
How can you tell when you've reached middles age?
When you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that'll get you home at 9 o'clock.
Do cannabis farmers use weed killer?
Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
Why did the husband bring his wife a small lizard?
Because she told him to go out and get her a baby monitor.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
I'm a grown up... I groan when I get up!
My wife says that I talk in my sleep but I don't believe her... nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
All this time I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. It turns out it was the refrigerator!
My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!
When Gathering Berries... You have to be picky!
What do you call an avocado in church?
What's red, white and blue, and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam.
What did one light say to the other light?
I like you a watt!
What does garlic do when it gets hot?
It takes its cloves off.
How does a pig write a letter?
With a pig pen!
What does it take to get a PhD in Dad Jokes?
A parachutist is falling towards earth and can't get his parachute to open. Surprisingly he sees a guy flying up from earth and yells over to him "hey do you know anything about parachutes?" the other guys respond "no, do you know anything about gas grills?!
What do road crews use at the North Pole?
Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like well damn.
Did you hear about the weasel that walked into a bar in Minnesota? The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel!
When are relationships like algebra?
When you look at your X and wonder Y.
I love cheesy jokes about eyes... The cornea the better!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it... It's Spam!
Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negatives?
He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
I’m sweet on you.
How do you catch an unusual rabbit?
Unique up on him.
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually, they got to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… "Junior, go get your Mother."
What kind of cheese can never be yours?
My neighbor told me he is a vegetarian... I told him I thought that was a big missed steak.
How do you know if a wooden box is sick?
If it starts coffin.
My wife and I were really happy for 22 years... Then we started dating.
I tried Wookie meat... It was Chewy.
I'm posting this with a heavy heart... As much as I love photography and everything that comes with it, it is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning, cooking, and maintaining the home. So something has to give. I have decided to get rid of my gear. Below is a list of what is available. Serious inquiries only, no stupid offers please. Thanks for reading and understanding. Here is what I have for sale: 1. Vacuum cleaner 2. Dustpan and brush 3. Mop and bucket 4. Cat 5. Iron 6. Laundry detergent 7. Various Mr Muscle products Thank you.
Why was the piano locked out of the house?
He did not have the right key!
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
You want to how to get back on your feet?
Miss two car payments!
Tips for winter driving. 1) Install winter tires. 2) Drive south. 3) Continue until you see palm trees. 4) Apply brakes and sunscreen.
How to you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
I was reading a book about lubricants... It was non-friction.
The biggest bra made for horses... Is the Z-bra!
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii... Or just a low ha?
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
What do dinosaurs use on the floors of their kitchens?
Where did George Washington get his hatchet?
At the chopping mall.
I'm actually pretty good in bed. I hardly ever fall out anymore.
I've been diagnosed with Kleptomania... but I'm taking something for it!
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. Paid my $2, then he says, "Once upon a time there was this lobster...".
Your pants won't get to tight if you don't wear any.