According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
As you get older, you'll realize that a $300 watch and a $30 watch both tell the same time. A Micheal Kors wallet and a Forever 21 wallet hold the same amount of money. A $300,000 house and a $100,000 house host the same loneliness. A Ford will drive you as far as a Bentley. True happiness is not found in materialistic things, it comes from the love and laughter found with each other. Stay humble... the holes dug for us in the ground are the same size.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Confucius say man who walks around with hands in pocket all day long feels cocky.
A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!"
What was the elephant doing on the highway?
About 5 mph.
The police asked where I was between 5 and 6.. so I told them nursery school.
A parachutist is falling towards earth and can't get his parachute to open. Surprisingly he sees a guy flying up from earth and yells over to him "hey do you know anything about parachutes?" the other guys respond "no, do you know anything about gas grills?!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here I'll go on a head.
Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Billy, is there anything wrong"? The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church". The teacher was very impressed and asked Billy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. Billy replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us".
My son asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked at me a little perplexed and stared at me in silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Why did the bicycle collapse?
Because it was two tired.
I finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.