333 DAD JOKES

Whenever I try and eat healthy a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers!

My whole life I never read a warning label telling me not to eat laundry detergent or put glue in my hair... Somehow, I just knew.

I found out that my grandpa is addicted to Viagra... no one is taking it harder than grandma!

I think I need professional help...

I don't know how to use TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and tell time on clocks with hands... so there's that.

Confucius say man who walks around with hands in pocket all day long feels cocky.

I was watching TV, my son was in a chair behind me reading a book. He said "dad, what does gays mean?" I got nervous, I said, "well, you know how me and your mother loves each other, its the same thing but with two men." He said "oh, ok. What does penetrating gays mean." Looking confused I said read me the sentence. He read, "She stared at her husband with a penetrating gaze".....

I had to fire the guy who cut my lawn... He just didn't cut it!

Why do melons have weddings?

Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

Why can't ticks keep a secret?

Did you know that people who have to wear glasses with their mask... may be entitled to condensation.

You only need two tools in life... WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40... If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape.

Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.

I was kidnapped by mimes... They did unspeakable things to me.

Which tree is the most pensive?

What was the elephant doing on the highway?

I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.

Why couldn't the blind man see his friends?

What music do optometrists listen to?

How does a Japanese dog say hello?

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks, the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife on the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "She's selling batteries." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the Seashore."

Oh no! Clocks go back on November 1st. and I can't remember where I bought mine from!

What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?

I woke up to drink some water in the middle of the night and I accidentally ate a whole pizza and cheesecake.

I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends... It means a lot to them!

Why do Leprechauns like to garden?

Not a single person asked me if I could run fast in my new shoes today. Being an adult is stupid!

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech tree says to the birch tree, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker into!"

Did you hear that Jon Bon Jovi is on a strict fruit diet?

What should you do with all your spare umbrellas?

The guy who stole my iPad... He should FaceTime!

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!

Seven days without a taco makes Juan weak!

What stays in one corner but goes all over the US?

Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?

According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.

As you get older, you'll realize that a $300 watch and a $30 watch both tell the same time. A Micheal Kors wallet and a Forever 21 wallet hold the same amount of money. A $300,000 house and a $100,000 house host the same loneliness. A Ford will drive you as far as a Bentley. True happiness is not found in materialistic things, it comes from the love and laughter found with each other. Stay humble... the holes dug for us in the ground are the same size.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!

What was the most popular dance in 1776?

When French people stub their toe, do they say "Ow-Oui"?

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" "I don’t know, some dumb woman asking if the coast is clear."

A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!"

Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Why did the pig have ink all over his face?

Quitting Is Easy, It's Not Starting Again That's Hard.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

I shaved my head when I started going bald years ago, but I still carry a comb... I just can’t part with it.

Your final memory will be going down a dark tunnel with a light at the end... That's my earliest memory too!

How can you tell when you've reached middles age?

Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

I have a joke about pizza... It's a little cheesy!

What does it take to get a PhD in Dad Jokes?

I used to think drinking alcohol was bad for me, so I gave up thinking.

Does anyone know how to stop condensation in my home? Please call, the kettle is always on.

I'm a grown up... I groan when I get up!

My wife says that I talk in my sleep but I don't believe her... nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

All this time I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. It turns out it was the refrigerator!

Do cannabis farmers use weed killer?

My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!

When Gathering Berries... You have to be picky!

What do you call an avocado in church?

What's red, white and blue, and green?

What did one light say to the other light?

What does garlic do when it gets hot?

How does a pig write a letter?

Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice?

A parachutist is falling towards earth and can't get his parachute to open. Surprisingly he sees a guy flying up from earth and yells over to him "hey do you know anything about parachutes?" the other guys respond "no, do you know anything about gas grills?!

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.

What do you call a mama cow after it had its baby?

What do road crews use at the North Pole?

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like well damn.

I love cheesy jokes about eyes... The cornea the better!

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!

Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

How do you catch an unusual rabbit?

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually, they got to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… "Junior, go get your Mother."

What kind of cheese can never be yours?

My neighbor told me he is a vegetarian.⁠.. I told him I thought that was a big missed steak.⁠

How do you know if a wooden box is sick?

My wife and I were really happy for 22 years... Then we started dating.

Why did the husband bring his wife a small lizard?

I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it. So tonight I'm going to try a fig.

I'm posting this with a heavy heart... As much as I love photography and everything that comes with it, it is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning, cooking, and maintaining the home. So something has to give. I have decided to get rid of my gear. Below is a list of what is available. Serious inquiries only, no stupid offers please. Thanks for reading and understanding. Here is what I have for sale: 1. Vacuum cleaner 2. Dustpan and brush 3. Mop and bucket 4. Cat 5. Iron 6. Laundry detergent 7. Various Mr Muscle products Thank you.

Why was the piano locked out of the house?

Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?

Did you hear about the weasel that walked into a bar in Minnesota? The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel!

When does a joke become a dad joke?

You want to how to get back on your feet?

Tips for winter driving. 1) Install winter tires. 2) Drive south. 3) Continue until you see palm trees. 4) Apply brakes and sunscreen.

How to you find Will Smith in the snow?

I was reading a book about lubricants... It was non-friction.