A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Confucius say man who walks around with hands in pocket all day long feels cocky.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech tree says to the birch tree, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker into!"
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.
Oh no! Clocks go back on November 1st. and I can't remember where I bought mine from!
I don't know how to use TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and tell time on clocks with hands... so there's that.
A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!"
As you get older, you'll realize that a $300 watch and a $30 watch both tell the same time. A Micheal Kors wallet and a Forever 21 wallet hold the same amount of money. A $300,000 house and a $100,000 house host the same loneliness. A Ford will drive you as far as a Bentley. True happiness is not found in materialistic things, it comes from the love and laughter found with each other. Stay humble... the holes dug for us in the ground are the same size.
What was the elephant doing on the highway?
About 5 mph.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A parachutist is falling towards earth and can't get his parachute to open. Surprisingly he sees a guy flying up from earth and yells over to him "hey do you know anything about parachutes?" the other guys respond "no, do you know anything about gas grills?!
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. Paid my $2, then he says, "Once upon a time there was this lobster...".
The police asked where I was between 5 and 6.. so I told them nursery school.
Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.
Men are like shoelaces, they go through many holes before they tie the knot.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
Your pants won't get to tight if you don't wear any.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father replied, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies of their own, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said. "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
If you see me smiling, it's because I'm thinking of doing something naughty. If you see me laughing, I've already done it.
Husband, "Honey I broke a glass in the kitchen." Wife, "I'm coming with the broom." Husband, "It isn't urgent, you can come on foot."
What did Tennessee?
The same thing as Arkansas.
I can't believe it's that time of the year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbors yard.
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, he's 95. We went to the food court to buy some lunch when we noticed a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look over and catch him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never did anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to prevent choking upon hearing his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear, and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!"
Bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over me. I still can't fly.
To me, essential oils are what drips out of a taco.
We're expecting such a cold winter, the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.
When one door closes, another one opens. This is the last time I'm buying a used car.
What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here I'll go on a head.
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Billy, is there anything wrong"? The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church". The teacher was very impressed and asked Billy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. Billy replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us".
My son asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked at me a little perplexed and stared at me in silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Why did the bicycle collapse?
Because it was two tired.
I finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.