I think I need professional help...
A chef, a butler, and a maid shall do it.
Confucius say man who walks around with hands in pocket all day long feels cocky.
I had to fire the guy who cut my lawn... He just didn't cut it!
I don't know how to use TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and tell time on clocks with hands... so there's that.
I woke up to drink some water in the middle of the night and I accidentally ate a whole pizza and cheesecake.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
Which tree is the most pensive?
The ponder-osa pine.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
I was watching TV, my son was in a chair behind me reading a book. He said "dad, what does gays mean?" I got nervous, I said, "well, you know how me and your mother loves each other, its the same thing but with two men." He said "oh, ok. What does penetrating gays mean." Looking confused I said read me the sentence. He read, "She stared at her husband with a penetrating gaze".....
Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.
He said, "Tell me more."
Oh no! Clocks go back on November 1st. and I can't remember where I bought mine from!
What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?
Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!
Why can't ticks keep a secret?
Everyone knows a Tic Toks.
Did you know that people who have to wear glasses with their mask... may be entitled to condensation.
The guy who stole my iPad... He should FaceTime!
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.
What was the elephant doing on the highway?
About 5 mph.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech tree says to the birch tree, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker into!"
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
As you get older, you'll realize that a $300 watch and a $30 watch both tell the same time. A Micheal Kors wallet and a Forever 21 wallet hold the same amount of money. A $300,000 house and a $100,000 house host the same loneliness. A Ford will drive you as far as a Bentley. True happiness is not found in materialistic things, it comes from the love and laughter found with each other. Stay humble... the holes dug for us in the ground are the same size.
I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends... It means a lot to them!
What should you do with all your spare umbrellas?
Save them for a rainy day!
A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!"
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
Did you hear that Jon Bon Jovi is on a strict fruit diet?
He's living on a pear.
I shaved my head when I started going bald years ago, but I still carry a comb... I just can’t part with it.
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!
Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
It was a shih tzu.
Why couldn't the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married.
You only need two tools in life... WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40... If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!
Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
I'm a grown up... I groan when I get up!
All this time I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. It turns out it was the refrigerator!
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii... Or just a low ha?
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A parachutist is falling towards earth and can't get his parachute to open. Surprisingly he sees a guy flying up from earth and yells over to him "hey do you know anything about parachutes?" the other guys respond "no, do you know anything about gas grills?!
Why was the piano locked out of the house?
He did not have the right key!
What do road crews use at the North Pole?
I was drinking a margarita at a bar when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet!" and we all laughed and laughed. Well. except one guy.
My wife says that I talk in my sleep but I don't believe her... nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I love cheesy jokes about eyes... The cornea the better!
Your final memory will be going down a dark tunnel with a light at the end... That's my earliest memory too!
How can you tell when you've reached middles age?
When you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that'll get you home at 9 o'clock.
Do cannabis farmers use weed killer?
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
I'm posting this with a heavy heart... As much as I love photography and everything that comes with it, it is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning, cooking, and maintaining the home. So something has to give. I have decided to get rid of my gear. Below is a list of what is available. Serious inquiries only, no stupid offers please. Thanks for reading and understanding. Here is what I have for sale: 1. Vacuum cleaner 2. Dustpan and brush 3. Mop and bucket 4. Cat 5. Iron 6. Laundry detergent 7. Various Mr Muscle products Thank you.
What do you call a mama cow after it had its baby?
Did you hear about the weasel that walked into a bar in Minnesota? The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
You want to how to get back on your feet?
Miss two car payments!
Tips for winter driving. 1) Install winter tires. 2) Drive south. 3) Continue until you see palm trees. 4) Apply brakes and sunscreen.
How to you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
When are relationships like algebra?
When you look at your X and wonder Y.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport... I do it for the kicks!
The biggest bra made for horses... Is the Z-bra!
Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero!
I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the world today were born in the 21st century... They're millennial falcons!
What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. Paid my $2, then he says, "Once upon a time there was this lobster...".
Your pants won't get to tight if you don't wear any.
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?
My kids were very upset when our bunnies escaped. They're too young to deal with hare loss.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
A pirate goes to the doctor's and says, "I have moles on my back!" The Doctor: "It’s ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again! I think there be ten!"
How often do you like jokes about elements?
I was reading a book about lubricants... It was non-friction.
Hey, that's not a dad bod... It's a father figure!
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it... It's Spam!
A train worker was struck by lightning... He was a great conductor!
My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!
What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
Apparently you can't use "Beefstew" as a password... It's not stroganoff.
If you notice cows sleeping in a field, does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
Research has shown that when a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats faster, his throat gets dry, and he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Then it was discovered why... She smells like a new truck.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
The Doc told me I was going deaf... It was hard to hear.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father replied, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies of their own, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said. "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.
Men are like shoelaces, they go through many holes before they tie the knot.
As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
Have you heard the latest rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying home in his pajamas. I'm not having the same results.
It's been six months since I joined the gym and still no progress. I'm going there tomorrow to find out what's going on.
What part of the hospital has the least privacy?
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges... My door is always open.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "My penis" and the wife falls to the ground laughing, because on-screen it says, "Error, not long enough."
Hey, did you hear about the experiment where they blessed the rains down in Africa?
I heard it was a ToTo failure!