100 BEST JOKES

Question 1

Never Hold Your Farts

Never hold in your farts. They travel up your spine into your brain... and that's where crappy ideas come from.

Question 2

Home Alone Fart

If you're home alone and hear a fart, do you laugh or get scared?

Question 3

Wife Farts

My wife says her farts smell like flowers...

Question 4

How To Catch Fog

I tried to catch some fog... I mist!

Question 5

I See You And Jesus Sees You

A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big-screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in. It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. "I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks. "I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again. When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch. "I see you and Jesus sees you. "The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean-looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch. "Sic him, Jesus!", said the parrot.

Question 6

Don't Drink And Ride

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.

Question 7

Is God Real

A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Mikey to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... "Mikey did you see the sky?" "Yes", said Mikey. "Did you see the sun?" "Yes", said the boy. "Did you see God?" "No", said the boy. The Teacher said, "So God really isn't there." A little girl started to ask Mikey some questions. "Did you see the sky?" "Yes" was the reply "Did you see the sun?" Again, "yes" was the answer. "Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!"

Question 8

I've Sure Gotten Old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. Thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.

Question 9

Mosquito Killer

Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.

VOTE

Question 10

Anti-Gravity Joke

I bought a book on anti-gravity and just can't seem to put it down.

Question 11

Russian Roulette Joke

Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.

Question 12

Calendar Pun

Two guys got caught stealing a calendar...they both got six months.

Question 13

The Worlds Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!" And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played a lot of golf, and drank beer and whiskey, and had loads of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted. The End.

Question 14

Frozen Windows Joke

A woman in Wisconsin texted her husband early one morning, "Windows Frozen". Husband texted back, "Gently pour lukewarm water on windows". Later wife texted back, "Computer REALLY messed up now".

Question 15

The Speed Of Light

Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Question 16

Personal Liberties

Question 17

Two Flies On A Turd

Two flies are eating a turd. One of them farts, and the other one says "Dude, gross. I'm eating."

Question 18

Round Room

How do you confuse a stupid person?

Question 19

Covid19 Shopping

They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.

Question 20

Fly Spray

Bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over me. I still can't fly.

Question 21

Psychic Joke

The other day I went to see a psychic. When I knocked on the door she shouted, "Who's there?" So I left.

Question 22

Movie Theatre Fart

An elderly couple is at the cinema. About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

Question 23

Begger

A man at the gas station asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.

Question 24

You Momma Is So Fat... The Ocean

Yo mama is so fat... She was about to jump in the ocean and the ocean jumped out and said you first.

Question 25

Constipated Composer

Did you hear about the constipated composer?

Question 26

Healthy Salad

I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's

Question 27

Pirate Movie

Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!

Question 28

Monkey And Bananas

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Question 29

You Mama So Poor... Front Door

Yo mama is so poor that when I walked in the front door, I tripped over the back gate.

Question 30

Stolen Credit Card

Police, "Why didn't you report your credit card stolen?" Man, "The thief was spending less than my wife."

Question 31

104 Years Old

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked... She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Question 32

You Momma So Fat She Fell...

Yo mamma so fat she fell in love... and broke it.

Question 33

Yo Momma Is So Fat That

Yo Momma is so fat... That when she put on a yellow jacket, kids tried to get her to go to school, because they thought she was the school bus.

Question 34

Elevator Fart

I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.

Question 35

Wallet Fart

I farted in my wallet, now I have gas money.

Question 36

Dear Santa Joke

Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

Question 37

Day 9 - Social Distancing

Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.

Question 38

Yo Mamma So Dumb...

Yo mama so dumb when someone told her to speak her mind she was speechless.

Question 39

Yo Momma's Breath Smells So Bad!

Yo momma's breath smells so bad, her teeth duck when she yawns!

Question 40

Apple Store Fart

I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed. It's not my fault they don't have Windows.

Question 41

Your Momma So Fat...

Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt.

Question 42

Pencil Pun

Broken pencils are pointless.

Question 43

A Limerick From Me To You

Roses are red, Violets are blue. Yo momma is ugly, And she looks just like you.

Question 44

Yo Mamma So Poor...

Yo mamma so poor that when I saw her kick a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing and she said,"Moving"

Question 45

Hearing Aid Joke

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.

Question 46

Pooped On

If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!

Question 47

Roman Numerals

A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."

Question 48

Fat And Hairy

Yo momma is so fat and hairy, that if she dyed her hair green, people would use her for golf practice.

Question 49

Glass Coffins

Will glass coffins become popular? Remains to be seen.

Question 50

Criminal Steals A Dress For His Wife Joke

A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging. He asks, "So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?" The robber replies, "Yes your honor." The judge, even more perplexed asks, "And why was that?" "Because my wife wanted a dress," says the robber. The judge checks his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!" "Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice."

Question 51

As Stupid As You Look Joke

You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible.

Question 52

Yo Momma Is So Fat She Has...

Yo momma so fat she has her own area code.

Question 53

Love Is Like A Fart.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, then it's probably crap!

Question 54

Hamberger's Girlfriend

How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Question 55

You're So Stupid You...

You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!

Question 56

A Pilot Flying A Small Plane Joke

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275-degree turn, and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot. "The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?"

Question 57

I Just Ate A Bunch Of Scrabble Tiles Joke

I just ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles accidentally... My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Question 58

Where Does Poo Come From?

My son asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked at me a little perplexed and stared at me in silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

Question 59

Diet Donuts

I ate a donut without sprinkles... Diets are so hard!

Question 60

Make Yourself At Home

When I go to someone else's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

Question 61

Yo Mommas So Stupid Joke

Yo momma's so stupid, when they said "Drinks are on the house!" She went and got a ladder.

Question 62

Yo Momma So Fat Her Blood Type Is...

Yo momma's so fat, her blood type is rocky road.

Question 63

Yo Momma.. So Stupid

Yo momma is so stupid she drowned in the shower.

Question 64

You Momma So Dumb... Spelling Joke

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to spell out the alphabet with M&M's.

100 BEST JOKES

Never Hold Your Farts

Home Alone Fart

Wife Farts

How To Catch Fog

I See You And Jesus Sees You

Don't Drink And Ride

Is God Real

I've Sure Gotten Old!

Mosquito Killer

Anti-Gravity Joke

Russian Roulette Joke

Calendar Pun

The Worlds Shortest Fairytale

Frozen Windows Joke

The Speed Of Light

Personal Liberties

Two Flies On A Turd

Round Room

Covid19 Shopping

Fly Spray

Psychic Joke

Movie Theatre Fart

Begger

You Momma Is So Fat... The Ocean

Constipated Composer

Healthy Salad

Pirate Movie

Monkey And Bananas

You Mama So Poor... Front Door

Stolen Credit Card

104 Years Old

You Momma So Fat She Fell...

Yo Momma Is So Fat That

Elevator Fart

Wallet Fart

Dear Santa Joke

Day 9 - Social Distancing

Yo Mamma So Dumb...

Yo Momma's Breath Smells So Bad!

Apple Store Fart

Your Momma So Fat...

Pencil Pun

A Limerick From Me To You

Yo Mamma So Poor...

Hearing Aid Joke

Pooped On

Roman Numerals

Fat And Hairy

Glass Coffins

Criminal Steals A Dress For His Wife Joke

As Stupid As You Look Joke

Yo Momma Is So Fat She Has...

Love Is Like A Fart.

Hamberger's Girlfriend

You're So Stupid You...

A Pilot Flying A Small Plane Joke

I Just Ate A Bunch Of Scrabble Tiles Joke

Where Does Poo Come From?

Diet Donuts

Make Yourself At Home

Yo Mommas So Stupid Joke

Yo Momma So Fat Her Blood Type Is...

Yo Momma.. So Stupid

You Momma So Dumb... Spelling Joke

Calendar Factory Joke

House Of Mirrors

Why Did The Turkey Cross The Road?

A Monkey A Squirrel And A Bird Joke

Yo Momma So Ugly...

Winter Is Coming

Yo Momma So Stupi...

Snow Men Vs Snow Women Joke

Never Trust Atoms

Yo Momma Is So Fat She The Big...

Horses Vs Cars Joke

Computer Hero Joke

Addicted To Seaweed Joke

Yo Momma Is So Fat When She Farts Joke

Pirate Joke ....