What do you call an elephant chasing a cat?
Depends on what his name is.....
A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
It was a bright sunny day!
What do the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle around Uranus searching for Klingons!
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week." The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, " Pizza delivery guy"
Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt.
What is the difference between a drinking establishment and an elephant's fart?
One is a bar-room and the other is a BAROOOM!
Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity?
Teacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?
Student: The what?
Teacher: That's absolutely right, the watt.
Yo momma is so fat when she farts she can melt the ice on Pluto.
1) If COVID-19 doesn't take you out can I?
2) Is that hand sanitized in you pocket or are you just happy to be within 6ft. of me?
3) Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.
4) You can't spell virus without U and I.
5) Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because, I can be your Prince Charmin.
6) I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.
7) Without you my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
8) Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?
9) You can't spell quarantine without "U R A Q T".
10) I really can't stay.
11) Baby it's COVID-19 outside.
You're so fat, when you sit around the house, you really sit around the house.
Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they'd ever experienced. "Out here in California," said one, "I've seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant redwoods trees? Well the wind got so strong it bent them right over." "That's nothing," said the farmer from Iowa. "Back on my farm we had a wind one day that blew a hundred miles per hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and laid the same egg six times!"
I was startled by a loud fart. I was fartled.
Airplanes are better that women because...
1. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.
2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.
3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
4. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.
5. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
7. Airplanes come with manuals.
8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
9. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
10. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
11. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
12. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
14. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.
15. It's OK to use tiedowns on your airplane.
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
Never hold in your farts. They travel up your spine into your brain... and that's where crappy ideas come from.
"I'm feeling so ashamed of the way we live," a wife said to her husband, who preferred to spend his time laying on the couch watching TV, rather than finding a job. "My father pays our mortgage, my mother buys all of our groceries for us, my sister buys us our clothes, my uncle bought us a car. I'm feeling so ashamed." The husband raised his head and replied, "Well, you should feel ashamed. Those three worthless brothers of yours never even give us a cent!"
If my dog was as ugly as your mom, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards!
Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?
Because you might step in a poodle.
A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot. "The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?"
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"
I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said "Come on, buddy, how about giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I farted in my wallet, now I have gas money.
What degree did the butt get?
A Master of Fine Farts.
A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!!" The man said, "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
A guy goes into a pharmacy, walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: "well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12". The guy says: "well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she won't be able to get enough, so better make it twelve". Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready, heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: "you didn't tell me you were such a religious person", and he leans back and says: "you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist".
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
Because he had a bad summer.
Why is the dog man's best friend?
So he has to have someone to blame the farts on.
You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Why did the dad cross the road?
To find out the punchline to why the chicken crossed the road.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
What do elfs learn while in school?
How do you confuse a stupid person?
Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. "When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. ""From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping. "
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Why did the pencil cross the road?
It was lead!
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees." The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
A pirate walks in to a bar, he has the whole pirate gettup: peg leg, funky hat,the long beard, and the parrot. But he has a ship steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, but you have a ship steering wheel in your pants. "The pirate says, "Arrrggg, IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands. "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands. "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands. "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands. "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!" "Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."
What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth?
A gummy bear
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Billy, is there anything wrong"? The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church". The teacher was very impressed and asked Billy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. Billy replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us".
Yo mamma so dumb... She tripped over a cordless phone.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile?
"Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"
Little Lori was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lori?" "My goldfish died," replied Lori tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Lori patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
Thinking a face mask is going to stop Corona Virus is like thinking you underwear will stop a fart.
What does the US military and a fart have in common?
A priest wanted to go to the post office, so he asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office. The priest said to the boy, "Thank you. Come to the church tomorrow and I will show you the way to Heaven." The boy turned and said, "But you don't even know the way to the post office."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. "Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!" The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. "Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!" Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
Neighbors house got TP'ed last night... Now it's listed on Zillow for $12.5 million.
My mind is exceptionally quiet... I'm suspicious that I'm up to something I don't want myself to know about.
What can you catch but not throw?
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine." "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannonball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands." "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," said the bartender, "What about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Some People aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper!
How far can you run in the woods?
Halfway. If you go in any further, you’d be running out of the woods.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Where do you take someone when they've been in a peek-a-boo accident?
What is a cheerleader's favorite drink?
My son asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked at me a little perplexed and stared at me in silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, "Must be nice".
Why did the bicycle collapse?
Because it was two tired.
A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big-screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in. It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. "I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks. "I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again. When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch. "I see you and Jesus sees you. "The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean-looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch. "Sic him, Jesus!", said the parrot.
What follows a dog where ever it goes?
I broke my finger last week. . .
…On the other hand, I'm ok!
I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's
My mum told me that picking my nose was disgusting, and from now on, I had to pick it myself.
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
What do you call a person who teaches you how to fart?
Today I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.
It took longer than I thought it would.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Cop: "You were going really fast". Me: "I was just trying to keep up with traffic". Cop: "There isn't any traffic". Me: "I know! That's how far behind I am".
Why should you never trust Atoms?
Because they make up everything!
I need to re-home a dog. It's small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over the neighbor's fence and get it for you.
A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Mikey to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... "Mikey did you see the sky?" "Yes", said Mikey. "Did you see the sun?" "Yes", said the boy. "Did you see God?" "No", said the boy. The Teacher said, "So God really isn't there." A little girl started to ask Mikey some questions. "Did you see the sky?" "Yes" was the reply "Did you see the sun?" Again, "yes" was the answer. "Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!"
Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!
Why was Roger's math book sad?
It had too many problems!
A husband and wife are at the grocery store. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. The wife asks, "What are you doing?" He says, "The beer is on sale, 24 cans for $10." She says, "We can't afford that so put it back!" A few isles later the wife puts a $20 tube of face cream in the cart. The husband asks, "What is that for?" The wife says, "It makes my face pretty." The husband replies, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price!"
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of Chapstick She’s still not talking to me!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove it wasn't chicken!
What happens after NASA farts?
What do you call a fish without eyes?
Why are hairdressers always on time?
Because they know all the short cuts!
I tried to catch some fog... I mist!
If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.
They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.
They lied, everyone else had clothes on.
My wife says her farts smell like flowers...
What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.
A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?
None of them, because you can't get a banana from a coconut tree.
My thesis on Orbital Flatulence took seven years of hard work. Well, that's what I tell everyone. I was really just farting around.
An elderly couple are at the cinema. About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'