The Joker

Joke: A 72-year-old man had one hobby - he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog, and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' With age - comes wisdom!

Joke: Why don't ants get sick?

Joke: A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "My penis" and the wife falls to the ground laughing, because on-screen it says, "Error, not long enough."

Joke: What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

Joke: Did 3 laps around the gym today... Couldn't find a parking spot so I went home.

Joke: If you have to wear both mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

Joke: In a hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. The next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." "MEN NEVER LISTEN"

Joke: My Wife's birthday is coming up in a few months. She's leaving jewelry catalogs around the house. Think I'll buy her a magazine rack.

Joke: What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?

Joke: What do clouds wear?

Joke: The graveyard service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Joke: Why did the headless horseman start his own business?

Joke: What do Christmas and crabs have in common?

Joke: A man call his wife, "I got hit by a car outside the office. Tina brought me to the Hospital. They have been doing tests and taking x-rays. The blow to my head, though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, compound fracture in my left leg and, they may have to amputate my right leg." Wife's response, "Who's Tina?!?!"

Joke: I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me the Thesaurus throat I've ever had.

Joke: Two, not very bright, pilots come in for a landing when the pilot has to slam on the brakes. Captain Bill looks over at Roger the co-pilot and says, "Damn that is the shortest runway we have ever landed on!" Roger takes a long look left, then a long look right and replies, "Yeah but look how wide it is!"

Joke: Today I bought a donut without sprinkles... Diets are hard!

Joke: Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.

Joke: A duck a skunk and a deer when out to dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the ducks bill.

Joke: What kind of tree fits in your hand?

Joke: I don't mean to brag but cashiers are always checking me out.

Joke: What do you call someone who searches for paper towels?

Joke: Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Joke: What's is a pirates favorite country?

Joke: I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... So, she hugged me.

Joke: A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic behavior. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to become their victims.

Joke: Singing leads to dancing, Dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember don't sing in the shower!

Joke: My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.

Joke: What was E.T. short for?

Joke: How did the blonde break both legs while raking leaves?