Why did the blond have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs!
One day a blonde came home from work early and when she walked into her house, she saw her husband in bed with another woman. She pulls her gun out of her purse and points it to her head. Her husband screams, "NO DON'T DO IT! I'm sorry!" To which the blonde replies "SHUT UP! You're next!"
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus were invited to a party. On the way, the dumb blonde's car broke down. The smart blonde missed the bus. Two of Santa Claus' reindeer ran away. Who got to the party first?
The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist!
Why did the first blonde president move out of the oval office?
She couldn't find a corner to put her stuff in.
What do you call a smart blond?
An Endangered species.
A blonde and her husband go to buy her new clothes. First, they decide she needs a new shirt, so they go through a few shirts but she rejects them all. Finally she points at one that she likes, but he thinks it is ugly, so he says no. They go through almost the whole store, and she says no to all of the shirts. Bored and annoyed, the husband finally goes up to the shirt she likes and generously "Fine, do you want this polo shirt?" The wife thinks for a few seconds and says "Oh, it's a polo shirt? In that case no, I'm really not into sports."
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
A blonde and brunette jump off a cliff at the same time. Why did the brunette hit the floor before the blonde?
The blonde asked for directions!
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Two blonds are trying to unlock their car. The first blond tries to unlock it with a coat hanger. The second blond says, "Hurry up it's starting to rain and the top's down!"
There was a blonde sitting on a plane in first-class seats with an economy class ticket. The flight attendant asked to check her ticket. "Excuse me," she said "You only have an economy class ticket but you are sitting in first class. Could you please move to your allocated seat?" The blonde was very stubborn and said "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to New York. "So the flight attendant went to another flight attendant and told her the problem. Her answer was the same." I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to new york." This went on with four other flight attendants. Finally, they went to the captain and told him the problem. He said, "I can handle this," and went to talk to her. He whispered something in her ear and she got up and ran to economy class. All the flight attendants were shocked and they asked him how he did it. He said, "I told her first class wasn't going to New York."
What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes in separate cars at a 4-way stop.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."
Why can't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calculator?
Because she can't find the 10
What did the blonde teacher do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.
Did you hear about the stupid blonde?
She got hit by a parked car.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Superbowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game her asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really like it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was... Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! I'm like Helloooo? It's only 25 cents."
A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him. . . when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock? "He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field. "
A blonde buys a thermos. Two days later, she's back in the store and wants a refund. The sales person asks her why she's returning it. She replies, "Well, when I bought it, you said it would keep hot things hot and cold things cold, but yesterday I took some coffee and ice-cream to work for after lunch, and all that came out was a luke-warm slush!"
A young brunette goes into the doctors office and says that her body hurts whever she touches it. "Impossible", says the doctor. "show me". She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, she pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches make her scream. The doctor says, "Your not really a brunette, are you?" No, im a blonde, she says. "I though so", he says. "Your finger is broken."
A blonde thinking to herself, "If it wasn't for the man who discovered electricity, we'd all be watching TV by candlelight."
A blonde was asked to open up the coffee shop on Monday. So, the blonde went in early to open up. She gathered all the ingredients together, and had everything ready for the customers. Half an hour went by, and still no customers entered the coffee shop. The blonde decided to read the comics to pass the time. An hour later, her co-worker came in late as the blonde was still reading the comics. "Why does the sign say closed?" the co-worker asked the blonde. The blonde looked up from her comics, "Nah uh. It doesn't say closed. Look right there," she said pointing at the sign. "See, it says open."
There's a redhead, a brunette and a blonde at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."
What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak. "Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now... The 45th bus just went by!"
A blonde was standing in front of a vending machine. She put in a dollar, pushed a button and a coke came out. She put in another dollar, pushed a different button and an iced tea came out. The blonde kept doing this, until the man behind her became impatient. "Excuse me, can I just get a drink, Then you can continue whatever you're doing?" "No way!" exclaimed the blonde. "I'm not giving up this machine when I'm winning!"
Fred was getting out of his car to go to an electronics store and had his dog in the car with him. "Stay," said Fred. A blond was witnessing all this and said to Fred, "Would it just be easier to put it in park?"
A blonde goes into an electronics store and asks, "How much is that TV?" Salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds." So, she dyes her hair brown and comes back the next day as a brunette. "How much is this TV", she asks. Again, the salesman says "I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes." A few days later she returns to the store, this time as a redhead, but again the salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." She asks, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blonde?" The salesman replies, "Because, that's not a TV. It's a microwave."
What do you call a brunette who dies her hair blonde?
Doctor, "I'm just waiting for your x-ray." Blonde, "But I never dated anyone named Ray." Doctor, "And we might do a brain scan."
A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap. All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?" She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked. "My 1999 Chevrolet." "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. The clerk asks, "What does it do?" "I don't know, but its always been there." By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710." The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter. "That's it!" the lady says. "How much?" "It's on the house," the manager replied. "Please come back often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you."
One day two blondes decided to take a trip to Disneyland. They were driving down the road and all of a sudden they came to an intersection where there was a sign read, Disneyland left. The two blonds looked at each other and said "Shoot!" and went back home.
A blonde is in school, and her teacher is having a random discussion about IQs. Teacher: "So what would you say your IQ is?" she asks a student Kid #1: "I don't know.. I think it's just the regular 100." Teacher: "He, he, alright, you?" she asks another student. Kid #2: "Umm... well... I took a test and it's 118." Teacher: "Ah, you're pretty smart, then." The teacher then realizes that someone is not paying attention. Teacher: "What IQ do you think you have, young lady?" The blonde jolts up a little due to the surprise. Blonde: "My IQ?" Teacher: "Yes." The blonde then grins arrogantly, "Heh, my IQ is, I would say, probably like an A right now... what is that? Like a 4.0?"
Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out. They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would. About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." "What about the other one?" "They called back."
A blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor. Doctor: "What was your dream about?" Blonde: "I was being chase by a vampire!" Doctor: "(giggles quitely) So... what was the scenery like?" Blonde: "I was running in a hall way." Doctor: "Then what happened?" Blonde: "Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always came to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!" Doctor: "Did the door have any letters on it?" Blonde: "Yes it did." Doctor: "And what did these letter spell?" Blonde: "It said Pull!"
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.
How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday!
What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Two blondes went out into the woods on a hunting trip. They are out there for several hours, and discover that they are lost! One says, "I heard that if you're lost in the woods, you fire three shots in the air, and wait for someone to come and rescue you." "Ok," says her pal, "let's do it." So they did, and waited to be rescued, but no-one came to their aid, so after an hour, they fired three more shots in the air, and waited again. It's nearly dark by now, and one says to the other, "I hope someone comes soon, we're down to our last three arrows."
How are blondes are like a rollercoaster?
Everyone gets a ride!
So this guy asked his blond girlfriend what was her password and she told him it was "mickeyminniedonaldgoofyhueydueylouieplutohonolulu". When he asked her why she had such a long password she just rolled her eyes and said "hello! it does have to be at least eight characters and include a capital too!"
What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor?
Looking for an internship.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that now was named Rolex and the other one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming their dogs like that?" "Helloooooo...," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. "When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. ""From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping. "
A policeman pulled a blonde over because she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the people are leaving.
What are a blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far to many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took out phone book!"