63 WORK JOKES

Question 1

Landscape Joke

Question 2

A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun Joke

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

Question 3

An Hour Late

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway - nearly killed myself." The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Question 4

Optometrist Music Joke

What music do optometrists listen to?

Question 5

Star Wars Restauant Workers Joke

Which Star Wars characters work at a restaurant?

Question 6

Butcher Overtime Joke

Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?

Question 7

Tree Fellers

A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods. The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, "See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it." The Norwegian immediately replied, "Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er." The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question. "Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet." They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again. "Yeller cedar. 242 board feet." The foreman was surprised; this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. He drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy. He stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, "See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it." The foreman thought, "How could he know which is the front of a tree?" The Norwegian walked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree, fer sure." The foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, "Now what makes you think that's the front of that tree?" The Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!" He got the job and is now the foreman.

Question 8

Chimney Sweeps Joke

When chimney sweeps dress in the morning, are they "Sooting up?"

Question 9

Organized Crime Joke

Son, "Dad, I'm considering a career in organized crime." Dad, "Government or private sector?"

VOTE

Question 10

Another Personal Trainer Joke

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!

Question 11

Caught Sleeping On The Job

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "In Jesus Name, Amen"

Question 12

Terrible Things You Do For Money

I've done some terrible things for money... Like getting up early to go to work.

Question 13

I'm Giving Up

I'm posting this with a heavy heart... As much as I love photography and everything that comes with it, it is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning, cooking, and maintaining the home. So something has to give. I have decided to get rid of my gear. Below is a list of what is available. Serious inquiries only, no stupid offers please. Thanks for reading and understanding. Here is what I have for sale: 1. Vacuum cleaner 2. Dustpan and brush 3. Mop and bucket 4. Cat 5. Iron 6. Laundry detergent 7. Various Mr Muscle products Thank you.

Question 14

Talk In My Sleep Joke

My wife says that I talk in my sleep but I don't believe her... nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

Question 15

Janitor Out Of The Closet Joke

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Question 16

Finishing Up Yesterdays Work Joke

Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing up what I did yesterday.

Question 17

Do It Right The First Time

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

Question 18

Digging And Filling Holes

There were two men working for the city council. One would dig and dig and dig until a deep hole in the ground appeared. The other would come behind him and fill the hole with piles of dirt. The two men worked furiously: one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching the pair from the footpath but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask. He said to the hole digger: “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!” The hole digger replied: “Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”

Question 19

Never Finish Anything Joke

I never finish anything... I have a black belt in partial arts.

Question 20

Collecting Unemployment Joke

Collecting Unemployment Don and Rob worked together and both were laid off, so they headed over to the unemployment office. When Don was asked his occupation, he replied, "Panty stitcher. I sew elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classed as unskilled labor, so she gave Don $250 a week unemployment pay. She then asked Rob what his occupation was, and he replied, "Diesel fitter." Looking up diesel fitter, the clerk found it classed as skilled labor, so she gave Rob $500 a week. When Don found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double the amount that he was. "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor," the clerk explained. "What skill?" Don yelled. "I sew the elastic on, Rob puts it on and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter'!"

Question 21

Road Construction Joke

What do road crews use at the North Pole?

Question 22

Post Office Worker Joke

Paul got a part-time job at the Post Office. He was thrilled because he had been looking for employment for a while, without any luck. It wasn't long before his first day arrived, and he headed to the Post Office brimming with confidence. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. His supervisor didn't understand how he was capable of working so fast but didn't question it. The supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, Sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

Question 23

Mermaid Jobs Joke

Where do mermaids look for jobs?

Question 24

Boat Captain IRS Audit

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhands and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS Auditor asks "I need to talk with you about your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Capitan responds "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for about 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board". IRS auditor "That's fair, so who is the other guy on the boat that I see in your records. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the workaround here and only makes about $10 per week and it says you buy him a bottle of Bacardi and a twelve-pack once a week too. Also says he gets to sleep with your wife occasionally?" the IRS Auditor says "That's the guy we want to talk to". The Boat Capitan replies "That would be me, what do you to know?"

Question 25

Mechanic Joke

Did a little mechanic work today. Put a rear end in a recliner.

Question 26

Train Worker Struck By Lightning Joke

A train worker was struck by lightning... He was a great conductor!

Question 27

Carpentry Pun

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.

Question 28

Coworker Joke

Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

Question 29

Career Choices

As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

Question 30

How To Become A Millionaire

Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying home in his pajamas. I'm not having the same results.

Question 31

Handy Man Joke

I hired a handy man and gave home a list of jobs to do. When I got home, only #1, #3 and #5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

Question 32

At The Theatre

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

Question 33

Spooked Cab Driver

A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route. The cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost. After checking themselves out the man says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy." To which the cab driver replies, "It's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years."

Question 34

Talking To Myself Joke

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed and we're having a staff meeting.

Question 35

Clean Mirror Job Joke

I used to have a job cleaning mirrors but I couldn't see myself doing it for a living.

Question 36

Road Worker Stealing Pun

I never really wanted to believe that my friend, a road worker, was stealing from his job but when I went to his house there they were. I should have known, all the signs were right there.

Question 37

Bosses And Diapers

Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!

Question 38

Pastry Chef Love Joke

Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?

Question 39

New Salesmen Joke

A young guy from Newfoundland moves to British Columbia and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Newfoundland." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our salespeople average sales of 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Vancouver. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Newfoundland, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65.′′ The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

Question 40

Take Your Kid To Work Day Joke

An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her dad on "Take your kid to work day." As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. He father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly; "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

Question 41

Safety Meeting Joke

There was a safety meeting at work today. They asked me, "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?" "Big Ones" was the wrong answer.

Question 42

Gas Company Joke

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Question 43

Tortilla Factory Joke

Why did the baker open a tortilla factory?

Question 44

Red Pen Joke

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Question 45

Sick With A Wee Cough Joke

I Called my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really, Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Question 46

Dad Stealing From His Job Joke

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker... But when I got home all the signs were there!

Question 47

Cold Painter Joke

What does the painter do when he gets cold?

Question 48

Best Invention Joke

Out of all the inventions over the last 100 years, the dry erase board is the most remarkable.

Question 49

Unemployment Joke

I have a lot of unemployment jokes but none of them work.

Question 50

Manager Of A Muffler Shop Joke

My friend quit his job as manager of a muffler shop. Said he was tired of coming home every night exhausted.

Question 51

Construction Bird Joke

What kind of bird works at a construction site?

Question 52

Management

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week." The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He just delivered the pizzas"

Question 53

The More Money You Make Sports Joke

We have studied Americans' favorite sports and came up with a conclusion. 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Question 54

Coming To Work Late Joke

I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.

Question 55

Beekeeper Joke

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.

Question 56

Secure Job Joke

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

Question 57

Bank Job

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A women asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Question 58

Butt Kisser Brown Nose Difference Joke

What's the difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser?

Question 59

Kangaroo Joke

What do kangaroos wear to work?

Question 60

Calendar Factory Joke

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I should have never taken a couple days off.

63 WORK JOKES

Work Jokes

Landscape Joke

A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun Joke

An Hour Late

Optometrist Music Joke

Star Wars Restauant Workers Joke

Butcher Overtime Joke

Tree Fellers

Chimney Sweeps Joke

Organized Crime Joke

Another Personal Trainer Joke

Caught Sleeping On The Job

Terrible Things You Do For Money

I'm Giving Up

Talk In My Sleep Joke

Janitor Out Of The Closet Joke

Finishing Up Yesterdays Work Joke

Do It Right The First Time

Digging And Filling Holes

Never Finish Anything Joke

Collecting Unemployment Joke

Road Construction Joke

Post Office Worker Joke

Mermaid Jobs Joke

Boat Captain IRS Audit

Mechanic Joke

Train Worker Struck By Lightning Joke

Carpentry Pun

Coworker Joke

Career Choices

How To Become A Millionaire

Handy Man Joke

At The Theatre

Spooked Cab Driver

Talking To Myself Joke

Clean Mirror Job Joke

Road Worker Stealing Pun

Bosses And Diapers

Pastry Chef Love Joke

New Salesmen Joke

Take Your Kid To Work Day Joke

Safety Meeting Joke

Gas Company Joke

Tortilla Factory Joke

Red Pen Joke

Sick With A Wee Cough Joke

Dad Stealing From His Job Joke

Cold Painter Joke

Best Invention Joke

Unemployment Joke

Manager Of A Muffler Shop Joke

Construction Bird Joke

Management

The More Money You Make Sports Joke

Coming To Work Late Joke

Beekeeper Joke

Secure Job Joke

Bank Job

Butt Kisser Brown Nose Difference Joke

Kangaroo Joke

Calendar Factory Joke

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