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Work Jokes

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What is the funniest landscape?

Hill areas!

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For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway - nearly killed myself." The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

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What music do optometrists listen to?

iTunes.

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Here's a question for all you mindreader's out there.

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When chimney sweeps dress in the morning, are they "Sooting up?"

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Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?

To make ends meat.

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Son, "Dad, I'm considering a career in organized crime." Dad, "Government or private sector?"

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I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "In Jesus Name, Amen"

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I've done some terrible things for money... Like getting up early to go to work.

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A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods. The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, "See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it." The Norwegian immediately replied, "Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er." The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question. "Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet." They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again. "Yeller cedar. 242 board feet." The foreman was surprised; this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. He drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy. He stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, "See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it." The foreman thought, "How could he know which is the front of a tree?" The Norwegian walked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree, fer sure." The foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, "Now what makes you think that's the front of that tree?" The Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!" He got the job and is now the foreman.

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My wife says that I talk in my sleep but I don't believe her... nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

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What do road crews use at the North Pole?

Snow Cones.

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Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing up what I did yesterday.

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Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!

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Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

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I'm posting this with a heavy heart... As much as I love photography and everything that comes with it, it is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning, cooking, and maintaining the home. So something has to give. I have decided to get rid of my gear. Below is a list of what is available. Serious inquiries only, no stupid offers please. Thanks for reading and understanding. Here is what I have for sale: 1. Vacuum cleaner 2. Dustpan and brush 3. Mop and bucket 4. Cat 5. Iron 6. Laundry detergent 7. Various Mr Muscle products Thank you.

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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

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Where do mermaids look for jobs?

The kelp wanted section!

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhands and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS Auditor asks "I need to talk with you about your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Capitan responds "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for about 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board". IRS auditor "That's fair, so who is the other guy on the boat that I see in your records. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the workaround here and only makes about $10 per week and it says you buy him a bottle of Bacardi and a twelve-pack once a week too. Also says he gets to sleep with your wife occasionally?" the IRS Auditor says "That's the guy we want to talk to". The Boat Capitan replies "That would be me, what do you to know?"

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There were two men working for the city council. One would dig and dig and dig until a deep hole in the ground appeared. The other would come behind him and fill the hole with piles of dirt. The two men worked furiously: one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching the pair from the footpath but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask. He said to the hole digger: “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!” The hole digger replied: “Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”

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I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.

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Collecting Unemployment Don and Rob worked together and both were laid off, so they headed over to the unemployment office. When Don was asked his occupation, he replied, "Panty stitcher. I sew elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classed as unskilled labor, so she gave Don $250 a week unemployment pay. She then asked Rob what his occupation was, and he replied, "Diesel fitter." Looking up diesel fitter, the clerk found it classed as skilled labor, so she gave Rob $500 a week. When Don found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double the amount that he was. "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor," the clerk explained. "What skill?" Don yelled. "I sew the elastic on, Rob puts it on and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter'!"

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A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route. The cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost. After checking themselves out the man says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy." To which the cab driver replies, "It's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years."

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If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed and we're having a staff meeting.

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Did a little mechanic work today. Put a rear end in a recliner.

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A train worker was struck by lightning... He was a great conductor!

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Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?

He'll dessert you.

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What does the painter do when he gets cold?

He puts on another coat!

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I never finish anything... I have a black belt in partial arts.

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I never really wanted to believe that my friend, a road worker, was stealing from his job but when I went to his house there they were. I should have known, all the signs were right there.

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As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying home in his pajamas. I'm not having the same results.

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A young guy from Newfoundland moves to British Columbia and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Newfoundland." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our salespeople average sales of 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Vancouver. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Newfoundland, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65.′′ The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

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There was a safety meeting at work today. They asked me, "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?" "Big Ones" was the wrong answer.

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I have a lot of unemployment jokes but none of them work.

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Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

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I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker... But when I got home all the signs were there!

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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

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I used to have a job cleaning mirrors but I couldn't see myself doing it for a living.

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I Called my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really, Thanks boss, see you next week!"

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I hired a handy man and gave home a list of jobs to do. When I got home, only #1, #3 and #5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

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Why did the baker open a tortilla factory?

For the extra dough!

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I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.

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A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week." The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He just delivered the pizzas"

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I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.

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I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A women asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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My job is secure. No one else wants it.

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What do kangaroos wear to work?

Jump suits.

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I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I should have never taken a couple days off.

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