For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway - nearly killed myself." The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route. The cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost. After checking themselves out the man says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy." To which the cab driver replies, "It's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years."
Collecting Unemployment Don and Rob worked together and both were laid off, so they headed over to the unemployment office. When Don was asked his occupation, he replied, "Panty stitcher. I sew elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classed as unskilled labor, so she gave Don $250 a week unemployment pay. She then asked Rob what his occupation was, and he replied, "Diesel fitter." Looking up diesel fitter, the clerk found it classed as skilled labor, so she gave Rob $500 a week. When Don found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double the amount that he was. "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor," the clerk explained. "What skill?" Don yelled. "I sew the elastic on, Rob puts it on and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter'!"
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week." The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He just delivered the pizzas"