43 NATIONAL JOKES

Question 1

EU Fart

The EU is much like a bad fart. Better out than in.

Question 2

A Lamp A Genie And Guinness Beer

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Question 3

Native American Pun

A Native American goes to see a psychiatrist about some bad dreams he is having. The psychiatrist asks him to describe his nightmares and he said they are always about either wigwams or teepees. The doctor tells him he is obviously two tense.

Question 4

Hispanic Friends

I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends... It means a lot to them!

Question 5

Two Irishmen Joke

Two Irishmen saw the sign "Tree fellers wanted". The first Irishman said, "If Pat had been with us we'd have got that job."

Question 6

What A Pisser

Shannon received a phone call from the foreman plant that her husband worked at. He sounded grim and she immediately knew something was wrong. "What happened? Is Patrick all right? Please tell me he's ok," she said. The man on the line said, "Shannon, there was an accident at the brewery and your husband is . . . dead." "Oh my goodness, what happened?" Shannon asked. The foreman replied, "He fell into a vat of beer." "Did he at least die quickly?" sobbed Shannon. The man paused, then said, "Well, no . . . he got out three times to use the bathroom."

Question 7

There Have Been Recent Terrorist Activities In France

There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today they had to upgrade their security system from "Run" to "Hide". If things get any worse they'll have to go to "Surrender", and then "Beg for Mercy".

Question 8

Japanese Dog Hello Joke

How does a Japanese dog say hello?

Question 9

Popular Dance In 1776 Joke

What was the most popular dance in 1776?

Question 10

Tree Fellers

A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods. The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, "See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it." The Norwegian immediately replied, "Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er." The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question. "Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet." They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again. "Yeller cedar. 242 board feet." The foreman was surprised; this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. He drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy. He stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, "See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it." The foreman thought, "How could he know which is the front of a tree?" The Norwegian walked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree, fer sure." The foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, "Now what makes you think that's the front of that tree?" The Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!" He got the job and is now the foreman.

Question 11

An Irishman Goes Shopping

An Irishman walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what the Irishman had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin'," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

Question 12

Irish Funeral

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

Question 13

Best Irish Toast Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Question 14

French Dog

Why did the French dog look in the toilet?

Question 15

Classic Irish Joke

What's Irish and stays outside all year?

Question 16

Indian Pun

Why were the Indians here first?

Question 17

Average IQ

A Kerryman emigrated from Ireland to England, thereby increasing the average IQ of both countries.

Question 18

An Irish Prayer Joke

An Irishman was flustered about not being able to find a parking space. "Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday." Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."

Question 19

Irish Jesus Joke

Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland?

Question 20

Mexican Jedi Joke

What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

Question 21

The Pizza

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."

Question 22

Jeff Foxworthy You Might Be Canadian

If someone in a Home Depot store

Offers you assistance and they don't work there,

You may live in Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,

You may live in Canada.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation

With someone who dialed a wrong number,

You may live in Canada.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere

South of Detroit for the weekend,

You may live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours,

You may live in Canada.

If you know several people

Who have hit a deer more than once,

You may live in Canada.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'

In the same day and back again,

You may live in Canada.

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow

During a raging blizzard without flinching,

You may live in Canada.

If you install security lights on your house and garage,

But leave both unlocked,

You may live in Canada.

If you carry jumper cables in your car

And your wife knows how to use them,

You may live in Canada.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume

To fit over a snowsuit,

You may live in Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --

You're going 95 and everybody is passing you,

You may live in Canada.

If driving is better in the winter

Because the potholes are filled with snow,

You may live in Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter,

and road construction,

You may live in Canada.

If you have more miles

On your snow blower than your car,

You may live in Canada.

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',

You may live in Canada.

If you actually understand these jokes,

and forward them to all your friends,

you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.

Question 23

Joke Jokes

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

Question 24

An Irishman Walks Into A Bar Joke

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness. He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second, and on. The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can’t drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney" So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story. One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness… The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother…" The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it’s not that!! I just gave up drinking."

Question 25

A Scotsman And His Wife

A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!" Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the hell..., I'll treat her!" So, they walked past it again.

Question 26

Irish Furniture Pun

Who is Irish and sits outside all day?

Question 27

Athens Sunrise Pun

Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

Question 28

Crime And Punishment

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican. They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazonians. The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazonians haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks: "What will you take on your back?" And he responds - "I'll take the Mexican!"

Question 29

Two Italians On A Bus

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Question 30

Brief Fart

New Mexican word for today: Brief.

Question 31

Irish Carpenter Joke

Two Irishmen were hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realizes it's upside down and throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, Why are you throwing them away?" "Because, they're upside down", says Paddy. "You daft twat!", replies Murphy, "Save'em for the ceiling!"

Question 32

I Was A Kamikaze Pilot

I went out for Chinese food last night and got chatting with the waiter. He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot and his code name was "Chow Mein". I said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?" To which he replied, "Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein"

Question 33

Say Grace

Does your family say a prayer before you eat food? Nope, we're Italian, my mom knows how to cook.

Question 34

Korean Martial Artist Joke

I once met a Korean martial artist who was giving away free chocolate bars. I asked him if I could take two. He said “No! You can Taekwondo.”

Question 35

Saint Patrick

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser." "Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!" "Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!" The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Question 36

Gassy Scotsman

what do you call a gassy Scotsman?

Question 37

Gassy Greek

What do you call a gassy greek?

Question 38

German Sausage Joke

I love eating German sausage, but it always gives me the wurst farts.

Question 39

Farting Russian

What do you call a farting Russian?

Question 40

German Sausage Pun

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Question 41

Irish Chili Joke

Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili? If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!

Question 42

Roman Numerals

A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."

Question 43

A Mexican Magician Joke

A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of 3. He said uno, dos, and poof he disappeared without a tres!

43 NATIONAL JOKES

National Jokes

EU Fart

A Lamp A Genie And Guinness Beer

Native American Pun

Hispanic Friends

Two Irishmen Joke

What A Pisser

There Have Been Recent Terrorist Activities In France

Japanese Dog Hello Joke

Popular Dance In 1776 Joke

Tree Fellers

An Irishman Goes Shopping

Irish Funeral

Best Irish Toast Joke

French Dog

Classic Irish Joke

Indian Pun

Average IQ

An Irish Prayer Joke

Irish Jesus Joke

Mexican Jedi Joke

The Pizza

Jeff Foxworthy You Might Be Canadian

Joke Jokes

An Irishman Walks Into A Bar Joke

A Scotsman And His Wife

Irish Furniture Pun

Athens Sunrise Pun

Crime And Punishment

Two Italians On A Bus

Brief Fart

Irish Carpenter Joke

I Was A Kamikaze Pilot

Say Grace

Korean Martial Artist Joke

Saint Patrick

Gassy Scotsman

Gassy Greek

German Sausage Joke

Farting Russian

German Sausage Pun

Irish Chili Joke

Roman Numerals

A Mexican Magician Joke

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