79 RELATIONSHIP JOKES

Question 1

Single Women Fart

Do you know why single women can't fart?

Question 2

Bring Me A Screwdriver

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver. Wife: Flat head, Phillips or Vodka? And that is when I knew she was the one!

Question 3

Expensive Divorce

Why is divorce so expensive?

Question 4

Elderly Newlyweds

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?'" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Would that be one word or two?"

Question 5

Tennis Joke

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!

Question 6

Science Book Joke

Why were the two science books holding hands?

Question 7

Girlfriend Vs. Wife Joke

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

Question 8

Inviting A Friend To Dinner Joke

Roger brings his buddy home to dinner without telling his wife. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just has to sit there and listen. Wife: "I look a mess, the house is dirty, the sink is full of dirty dishes, I'm wearing my comfy sweats and I don't have anything to make and I don't feel like cooking tonight! Why the hell would you bring him home?" Roger: "Because, he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo"

Question 9

Talking Lights Joke

What did one light say to the other light?

Punch Line

VOTE

Question 10

Husband's Birthday

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday... At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the bartender says, "The usual, Jim?" Jim says to his wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team." Next, a stripper says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?" The wife storms out dragon Jim with her and jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver says, "Hey Jimmy Boy, you picked up an ugly one this time!..." Jim's funeral is Sunday!

Question 11

Child Extortion

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

Question 12

Demons And Ghouls Joke

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Question 13

Wife Owners Manual Joke

Anyone have an owners manual for a wife? Mine's making a whining noise.

Question 14

Must Give Up

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking, and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a month later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad," said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels and he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there." "They don't like that in heaven", said the Angel. The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it in Costco either."

Question 15

Stand Under

Y'know - just when I think I've finally figured out women, I wake up!

Question 16

Mal Practice

A woman sued a Hospital stating that after a recent treatment her husband had lost all interest in sex. The Hospital in their defense stated... "All we did was correct his eyesight!"

Question 17

She Missed Me Joke

She said she missed me. Normally, that would be good... But she's reloading.

Question 18

A Guy Goes Into A Pharmacy

A guy goes into a pharmacy, walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: "well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12". The guy says: "well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she won't be able to get enough, so better make it twelve". Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready, heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: "you didn't tell me you were such a religious person", and he leans back and says: "you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist".

Question 19

Immature Joke

A friend kept telling me how immature I am so I told him to get out of my fort.

Question 20

Men And Women Time Relativity

Have you ever noticed that a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home if 5 minutes" are exactly the same?

Question 21

You Just Know

Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the first moment that you want to spend the rest of your life without them!

Question 22

True Love Always

Ladies, if he is... is hot, always smells good, makes your mouth water, tastes amazing, leaves you feeling happier than ever... That's not your man. That's a taco!

Question 23

Algebra Relationship Joke

When are relationships like algebra?

Question 24

Chocolate Syrup Ice Cream Joke

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

Question 25

My Wife And I Were Happy Joke

My wife and I were really happy for 22 years... Then we started dating.

Question 26

One Lucky Man

Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immediately ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the driveway, ran inside the house slammed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said "Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; "What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing, or sunbathing honey!?" "For whatever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!"

Question 27

Are You A Banana Joke

Are you a banana?

Question 28

Never Break Up With A Goalie Joke

Why should you never break up with a goalie?

Question 29

Dentist Affair Joke

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks. Soon she had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours. Then one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

Question 30

For Women Only

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and ugly, they don't have jobs and hate children." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short, but handsome, haev decent jobs, and hate children." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and handsome, have well paying jobs, don't really care for children, but want to get married." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall, handsome, have all the money in the world, are romantic and sensual, love children, are not jealous, and will marry you on the spot." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman. Please go down on the escalator to your right."

Question 31

The Silent Treatment Joke

Wife: I'm not talking to you! Husband: OK. Wife: Don't you want to know the reason? Husband: No, I respect and trust your decision.

Question 32

Woman And Men Joke

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.

Question 33

Getting Lectured

89-year-old Bob was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Bob replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Bob replied, "That would be my wife.

Question 34

Girlfriend Fart

My girlfriend said she didn't fart, but she's talking out her ass.

Question 35

Faithful Wife

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?" "What Dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."

Question 36

Jewish Girl

After performing a marriage the rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds: "The first ten years are always the hardest," said the rabbi. "How many years have you been married?" they asked. "Ten years," the rabbi replied.

Question 37

Menopause Joke

It's called menopause for a reason. Men should pause before they speak.

Question 38

If You Love Someone Joke

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it means nobody else wanted them. Set them free again.

Question 39

Men Are Like Shoe Laces

Men are like shoelaces, they go through many holes before they tie the knot.

Question 40

Pregnancy Test

I was shopping in a large pharmacy and asked one of the wandering assistants, "Excuse me, where can I find a pregnancy test?" "No problem," he said. "They're right beside the condoms." I said, "Id I knew where the condoms were I wouldn't need a pregnancy test."

Question 41

Caveman Valentine’s Day

What does a caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?

Question 42

Pastry Chef Love Joke

Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?

Question 43

Gold Digger Joke

A 65 year old millionaire has married a beautiful 23 old model, You crafty old devil, says his friend, How did you manage to get a lovely wife like that? Easy, replies the millionaire, I told her I was 95...

Question 44

Left My Girlfriend Joke

I left my ex-girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.....I wonder what she's up to now?

Question 45

Hotel Restaurant Joke

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing." the woman says, and she popped her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming women I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Question 46

Rasin Date Joke

Why did the raisin go out with the prune?

Question 47

Romantic Dinner

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Question 48

Two Ways To Argue...

There are two ways to argue with a woman... Neither one of them works.

Question 49

Looking Good

Wife, "My aerobics instructor says I've got the chest of a 23 year old!" Husband, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?" Wife, "We never mentioned you!"

Question 50

Girlfriends Eyebrows Joke

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!

Question 51

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant Joke

Doctor: Your girlfriend Is pregnant. Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story... A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts BANG at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.

Question 52

Did You See Anything Under The Table You Liked?

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says." Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

Question 53

Troubles To Bed

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.

Question 54

Old Married Couple Joke

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving!! He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Question 55

Taking My New Girlfriend To Meet My Parents Joke

My new girlfriend and I were driving to my parents, when she got a flat tire. So, I called my parents and said, "Sorry mom, we're going to be late. My girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh!", she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Question 56

Stunning Girlfriend Joke

The guy next to me on the train pointed to a photograph and said "This is my girlfriend, isn't she beautiful?" "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my wife," says I. "Why is she stunning?" "No, she's an optician!"

Question 57

There Were Three Friends Stranded On An Island...

There were three friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the three men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them three wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" and *poof* he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" and *poof* he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" "The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here." Poof, his two friends were back on the island.

Question 58

A Bridge To Hawaii Joke

A biker was riding his Harley along a California highway, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: Because you have tried to be faithful to me and always, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. The Lord said your request is materialistic. Think of all the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, when she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, when she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. The Lord replied, “ do you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”

Question 59

Disable Autocorrect Joke

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

Question 60

Male Chauvinist Joke

Jenny's husband, Jay, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Jay had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Jay even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Jay was too tired!"

Question 61

Valentine's Day Poem

Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.

Question 62

You'll Do

You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.

Question 63

Being A Man Joke

Being a man means doing what I want when I want and not having to answer to... Shoot she's coming!!! To be continued.

Question 64

Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on the neighborhood activities. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." He Shouted. He began his commentary as his parent put their a plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Smiths have company." He called out. "Noah's riding his new bike!" "Looks like the Stewarts are moving!" After a few moments... "Looks like the Robinson's are having sex!" Startled, his mom and dad sat up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Robinson is on his balcony with a popsicle."

79 RELATIONSHIP JOKES

Relationship Jokes

Single Women Fart

Bring Me A Screwdriver

Expensive Divorce

Elderly Newlyweds

Tennis Joke

Science Book Joke

Girlfriend Vs. Wife Joke

Inviting A Friend To Dinner Joke

Talking Lights Joke

Husband's Birthday

Child Extortion

Demons And Ghouls Joke

Wife Owners Manual Joke

Must Give Up

Stand Under

Mal Practice

She Missed Me Joke

A Guy Goes Into A Pharmacy

Immature Joke

Men And Women Time Relativity

You Just Know

True Love Always

Algebra Relationship Joke

Chocolate Syrup Ice Cream Joke

My Wife And I Were Happy Joke

One Lucky Man

Are You A Banana Joke

Never Break Up With A Goalie Joke

Dentist Affair Joke

For Women Only

The Silent Treatment Joke

Woman And Men Joke

Getting Lectured

Girlfriend Fart

Faithful Wife

Jewish Girl

Menopause Joke

If You Love Someone Joke

Men Are Like Shoe Laces

Pregnancy Test

Caveman Valentine’s Day

Pastry Chef Love Joke

Gold Digger Joke

Left My Girlfriend Joke

Hotel Restaurant Joke

Rasin Date Joke

Romantic Dinner

Two Ways To Argue...

Looking Good

Girlfriends Eyebrows Joke

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant Joke

Did You See Anything Under The Table You Liked?

Troubles To Bed

Old Married Couple Joke

Taking My New Girlfriend To Meet My Parents Joke

Stunning Girlfriend Joke

There Were Three Friends Stranded On An Island...

A Bridge To Hawaii Joke

Disable Autocorrect Joke

Male Chauvinist Joke

Valentine's Day Poem

You'll Do

Being A Man Joke

Afternoon Sex

My Wife's Birthday

Do You Feel Any Pain?

Another Difference Between Men And Women

Fishing Pajamas Joke

Wedding Joke

My Wife Made It Joke.

Hot Flight Attendant

Zero To 200

Food That Causes Grief & Suffering

The Wife's Cat Joke

A Guy Sits Down At The Bar Joke

Super Bowl Tickets

Happy Husband Joke

Glue Stick Vs Chapstick