Do you know why single women cant fart?
Because they dont get a$&holes until they are married.
Y'know - just when I think I've finally figured out women, I wake up!
Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks. Soon she had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours. Then one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says." Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
The difference between men and women is that after being in a relationship for six months a woman wonders if it's time to say 'I love you' and a man wonders if it time to fart in bed.
Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.
You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.
There were three friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the three men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them three wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" and *poof* he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" and *poof* he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" "The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here." Poof, his two friends were back on the island.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and ugly, they don't have jobs and hate children." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short, but handsome, haev decent jobs, and hate children." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and handsome, have well paying jobs, don't really care for children, but want to get married." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall, handsome, have all the money in the world, are romantic and sensual, love children, are not jealous, and will marry you on the spot." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman. Please go down on the escalator to your right."
Jenny's husband, Jay, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Jay had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Jay even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Jay was too tired!"