"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!". "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"
Airplanes are better that women because...
1. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.
2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.
3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
4. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.
5. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
7. Airplanes come with manuals.
8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
9. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
10. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
11. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
12. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
14. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.
15. It's OK to use tiedowns on your airplane.
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Trinidad. One day at the airport they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' What's that? 'Have you farted yet? No.' Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Barbados......
Two, not very bright, pilots come in for a landing when the pilot has to slam on the brakes. Captain Bill looks over at Roger the co-pilot and says, "Damn that is the shortest runway we have ever landed on!" Roger takes a long look left, then a long look right and replies, "Yeah but look how wide it is!"