The Joker

Joke: Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Joke: What is a tree's favorite drink?

Joke: How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?

Joke: How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?

Joke: Where does Dad keep his Dad jokes?

Joke: What do runners do when they forget something?

Joke: How do you make a tree-stand?

Joke: We all know that mirrors don't lie... I'm just grateful they don't laugh!

Joke: Google must be a woman because it knows everything!

Joke: What is a monster's favorite dessert?

Joke: I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.

Joke: I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars. "Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For What?" "To buy groceries," I told him. "When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me a dollar, just one dollar, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, and can of coffee and a box of tea." He shrugged and paused. "Times have changed and you can't do that now," he told me. "Too many security cameras."

Joke: I spent twenty minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I've decided to give up! I wished I had never put it on now.

Joke: My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.

Joke: I prefer communist jokes because everyone gets them.

Joke: What's a brunette's mating call?

Joke: I have a lot of unemployment jokes but none of them work.

Joke: What is the hardest tea to swallow!

Joke: I once met a Korean martial artist who was giving away free chocolate bars. I asked him if I could take two. He said “No! You can Taekwondo.”

Joke: What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

Joke: What did one saggy boob say to the other?

Joke: George an 83-year-old man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garage, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the garage stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is your garage detached from your house" and he said yes. Then they said that all patrols were busy and that he should simply go back into his house, lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes 6 police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, and an ambulance showed up at George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Joke: It turns out that when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick from you own. I know that now.

Joke: Why is water heavier than butane?

Joke: Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted?

Joke: I Called my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really, Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Joke: Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather passed away, Allie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack when we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Allie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing to strenuous, simple in wth the ding and out with the dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued. "He'd still be alive if the ice-cream truck hadn't come along."

Joke: A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving!! He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Joke: My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!

Joke: A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."