The Joker

Joke: We all know that mirrors don't lie... I'm just grateful they don't laugh!

Joke: Google must be a woman because it knows everything!

Joke: I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.

Joke: I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Joke: What's is a pirates favorite country?

Joke: I spent twenty minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I've decided to give up! I wished I had never put it on now.

Joke: What is the capital of Texas?

Joke: I prefer communist jokes because everyone gets them.

Joke: What's a brunette's mating call?

Joke: I have a lot of unemployment jokes but none of them work.

Joke: What is the hardest tea to swallow!

Joke: I once met a Korean martial artist who was giving away free chocolate bars. I asked him if I could take two. He said “No! You can Taekwondo.”

Joke: What did one saggy boob say to the other?

Joke: George an 83-year-old man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garage, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the garage stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is your garage detached from your house" and he said yes. Then they said that all patrols were busy and that he should simply go back into his house, lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes 6 police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, and an ambulance showed up at George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Joke: I'm giving up drinking until this is over...

Joke: It turns out that when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick from you own. I know that now.

Joke: Why is water heavier than butane?

Joke: Being a man means doing what I want when I want and not having to answer to... Shoot she's coming!!! To be continued.

Joke: I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

Joke: Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted?

Joke: A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving!! He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Joke: I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I grounded him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly...

Joke: Does your family say a prayer before you eat food? Nope, we're Italian, my mom knows how to cook.

Joke: Why couldn't the flower ride its bike?

Joke: If your home doesn't have house numbers on it, you should address that!

Joke: What do you call a tree that does science experiments?

Joke: The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 2.2 gallons of beer, which means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon!

Joke: The guy next to me on the train pointed to a photograph and said "This is my girlfriend, isn't she beautiful?" "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my wife," says I. "Why is she stunning?" "No, she's an optician!"

Joke: Put a glass of wine in each room of your house and call it a wine tour.

Joke: Why did the thief wear blue gloves?