"Alexa, where's my dad?" Alexa, "Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas." "Ha! Gotcha, my dad is sitting right next to me." Alexa, "Your mom's husband is sitting right next to you. Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas."
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!
"Well, Mr. Brown." Says the doctor. "I have just discovered that you have one testicle made of wood and one testicle made of steel." "But that's impossible." Says Mr. Brown. "I've never had any operations and apart from that I have two perfectly healthy children." "How old are your children?" "Well, Pinocchio is 6 and Terminator is 7."
I feel bad for parents nowadays. You have to be able to explain the birds and the bees... The bees & the bees... The birds and the birds... The birds that used to be bees... The bees that used to be birds... The birds that look like bees... Plus bees that look like birds but still got a stinger!
Hostess: "Ok, I can seat you at this table right here (4 feet away), but I will need you to wear a mask to the table." Logical friend: "What happens when I get to the table?" Hostess: "You can take off the mask." Logical friend: "Then it is safe over there?" Hostess: "Yes." Logical friend: "Are those fans blowing above the table? Is that the air-conditioning I feel? Is the air circulating in here?" Hostess: No words. Confused look. Logical friend at a grocery store: "Why is there plastic on the payment keypad?" Cashier: "To protect people from Covid." Logical friend: "But isn't everyone touching the plastic keypad the same way they would the regular keypad?" Cashier: "No words. Confused look." Logical friend at drive-thruServer: (holds a tray out the window with a bag of food for logical friend to grab) Logical friend: "Why is my bag of food on a tray?" Server: "So I don't touch your food because of Covid." Logical friend: "Didn't the cook touch my food? Didn't the person wrapping my food touch it and then touch it again when placing it in my bag? Didn't you touch the bag and put it on the tray? Didn't you touch the tray?" Server: No words. Confused look. Life is hard for logical people right now. We are being raised without the ability to process and execute logic.
1) If COVID-19 doesn't take you out can I? 2) Is that hand sanitized in you pocket or are you just happy to be within 6ft. of me? 3) Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead. 4) You can't spell virus without U and I. 5) Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because, I can be your Prince Charmin. 6) I saw you from across the bar. Stay there. 7) Without you my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf. 8) Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink? 9) You can't spell quarantine without "U R A Q T". 10) I really can't stay. 11) Baby it's COVID-19 outside.
A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic behavior. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to become their victims.
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, he's 95. We went to the food court to buy some lunch when we noticed a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look over and catch him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never did anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to prevent choking upon hearing his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A man goes to the Optician for his eye test. The Optician asks him what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football stadiums, closed theaters, and closed pubs." "That's perfect," says the Optician. "You've got 2020 vision!"