I saw this guy at Starbucks. No iPhone, no tablet, no computer. He just sat there drinking coffee... like a psychopath!
Wife: Did I get fat during the quarantine? Husband: You've never been really skinny.
Time of death: 5/4/2020 4:30 PM. Cause of death: Coronavirus
I grew up poor, you think I'm scared of limited food & a two week lock in? We called that "the end of the month" growing up.
Even on Gilligan's Island they listened to the professor not the 'millionaire'.
How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That's not funny!
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I went outside to check on my plants. I felt something cold and wet on my arm. I looked down and say a mosquito using a wet wipe before it bit me!
You said you were sick... No, I said I had a case of Corona.
"Don't believe everything you read on the internet" Leonardo da Vinci
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day?
Regular Rocks are too heavy!
What did one virus say to the other virus?
Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!
Imagine a world where Youtube, Twitter and Facebook merge to become as YouTwitFace.
I farted in a room of hipsters. I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
1) If COVID-19 doesn't take you out can I?
2) Is that hand sanitized in you pocket or are you just happy to be within 6ft. of me?
3) Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.
4) You can't spell virus without U and I.
5) Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because, I can be your Prince Charmin.
6) I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.
7) Without you my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
8) Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?
9) You can't spell quarantine without "U R A Q T".
10) I really can't stay.
11) Baby it's COVID-19 outside.
Some People aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper!
Neighbors house got TP'ed last night... Now it's listed on Zillow for $12.5 million.
I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, "Must be nice".
When quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.
Today I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.
It took longer than I thought it would.
I need to re-home a dog. It's small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over the neighbor's fence and get it for you.
They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.
They lied, everyone else had clothes on.
Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.