I saw this guy at Starbucks. No iPhone, no tablet, no computer. He just sat there drinking coffee... like a psychopath!
Wife: Did I get fat during the quarantine? Husband: You've never been really skinny.
Time of death: 5/4/2020 4:30 PM. Cause of death: Coronavirus
I grew up poor, you think I'm scared of limited food & a two week lock in? We called that "the end of the month" growing up.
Did you know that people who have to wear glasses with their mask... may be entitled to condensation.
Even on Gilligan's Island they listened to the professor not the 'millionaire'.
"Alexa, where's my dad?" Alexa, "Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas." "Ha! Gotcha, my dad is sitting right next to me." Alexa, "Your mom's husband is sitting right next to you. Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas."
2020 should be a new cuss word like, "I don't give a 2020!"
I am forever disappointed the Chef Boddy Flay didn't name his daughter Sue.
How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That's not funny!
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I went outside to check on my plants. I felt something cold and wet on my arm. I looked down and say a mosquito using a wet wipe before it bit me!
"Don't believe everything you read on the internet" Leonardo da Vinci
After losing in last night's Powerball, I've decided to declare myselft the winner and to file lawsuits until I win!
Clocks are supposed to fall back on Nov. 1st. Think I'll set mine forward at least two months because nobody wants to fall back in 2020.
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
You said you were sick... No, I said I had a case of Corona.
They Say We Can Have Gatherings With Up To Eight People Without Issues. I Don't Even Know Eight People Without Issues.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. That's when I know we weren't going to work out.
Did you hear about the Super Hero with a lisp that always works out?
You want to how to get back on your feet?
Miss two car payments!
How to you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?
Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the crap out of them until the light comes on!
Life is all about ass: You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one.
I asked the lion in my wardrobe what he was doing there. He said Narnia business.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day?
Regular Rocks are too heavy!
What did one virus say to the other virus?
Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!
Hostess: "Ok, I can seat you at this table right here (4 feet away), but I will need you to wear a mask to the table." Logical friend: "What happens when I get to the table?" Hostess: "You can take off the mask." Logical friend: "Then it is safe over there?" Hostess: "Yes." Logical friend: "Are those fans blowing above the table? Is that the air-conditioning I feel? Is the air circulating in here?" Hostess: No words. Confused look. Logical friend at a grocery store: "Why is there plastic on the payment keypad?" Cashier: "To protect people from Covid." Logical friend: "But isn't everyone touching the plastic keypad the same way they would the regular keypad?" Cashier: "No words. Confused look." Logical friend at drive-thru Server: (holds a tray out the window with a bag of food for logical friend to grab) Logical friend: "Why is my bag of food on a tray?" Server: "So I don't touch your food because of Covid." Logical friend: "Didn't the cook touch my food? Didn't the person wrapping my food touch it and then touch it again when placing it in my bag? Didn't you touch the bag and put it on the tray? Didn't you touch the tray?" Server: No words. Confused look. Life is hard for logical people right now. We are being raised without the ability to process and execute logic.
I put grandma on speed dial and now I have Insta-Gram!
What did Qanon Shaman's mom say to him when he was on his way to jail? Bison.
Yo momma so ugly, the whole world faked a virus just to make her wear a mask!
Imagine a world where Youtube, Twitter and Facebook merge to become as YouTwitFace.
So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell by just looking at them.
1) If COVID-19 doesn't take you out can I?
2) Is that hand sanitized in you pocket or are you just happy to be within 6ft. of me?
3) Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.
4) You can't spell virus without U and I.
5) Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because, I can be your Prince Charmin.
6) I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.
7) Without you my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
8) Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?
9) You can't spell quarantine without "U R A Q T".
10) I really can't stay.
11) Baby it's COVID-19 outside.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
A big nose is not an excuse to not wear a mask! I mean, I still wear underwear!
A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic behavior. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to become their victims.
What do you call a couple who share an Amazon account?
I farted in a room of hipsters. I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
So, I got pulled over in the carpool lane the other day. When the officer asked where my passenger was. I told him due to social distancing, he was in the car behind me.
How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My wife keeps trying to come in the house.
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, he's 95. We went to the food court to buy some lunch when we noticed a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look over and catch him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never did anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to prevent choking upon hearing his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
The Flat Earth Society recently announced that they now have members all around the globe.
How did the caveman survive the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs?
Social Distancing. They kept 56 million years apart.
Neighbors house got TP'ed last night... Now it's listed on Zillow for $12.5 million.
A man goes to the Optician for his eye test. The Optician asks him what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football stadiums, closed theaters, and closed pubs." "That's perfect," says the Optician. "You've got 2020 vision!"
I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, "Must be nice".
When quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.
Some People aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper!
Today I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.
It took longer than I thought it would.
I need to re-home a dog. It's small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over the neighbor's fence and get it for you.
Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.
They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.
They lied, everyone else had clothes on.