Hey, did you hear about the actress Reese... something, who commited suicide?
Reese Witherspoon? No, with her knife!
Doctor says I have the Christmas flu. He called it tinselitis.
I dated a crosseyed girl but I just knew she was seeing someone on the side.
An agnostic dyslexic insomniac must stay awake all night long wondering if there really is a dog.
People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a$$ from a hole in the ground.
I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought. As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also." Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "Yo! I'm Leonard T." He sat in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror. They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special." As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at. As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal? "I can't take this!" yelled the man. "I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
What movie is really the sequel to April Fools?
I hate it when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". There stupid.
What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth?
A gummy bear
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me the Thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?
I bought a book on anti-gravity and just can't seem to put it down.