Hey, did you hear about the actress Reese... something, who commited suicide?
Reese Witherspoon? No, with her knife!
Which tree is the most pensive?
The ponder-osa pine.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.
He said, "Tell me more."
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?
Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!
Did you know that people who have to wear glasses with their mask... may be entitled to condensation.
The guy who stole my iPad... He should FaceTime!
Why can't ticks keep a secret?
Everyone knows a Tic Toks.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Doctor says I have the Christmas flu. He called it tinselitis.
I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends... It means a lot to them!
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii... Or just a low ha?
Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
An agnostic dyslexic insomniac must stay awake all night long wondering if there really is a dog.
Can you tie a knot? "I cannot." "So can you tie a knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I love cheesy jokes about eyes... The cornea the better!
Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
It was a shih tzu.
I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
Did you hear about the Super Hero with a lisp that always works out?
How to you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
The biggest bra made for horses... Is the Z-bra!
Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a$$ from a hole in the ground.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes...it Taurus apart.
I was reading a book about lubricants... It was non-friction.
Hey, that's not a dad bod... It's a father figure!
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it... It's Spam!
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the world today were born in the 21st century... They're millennial falcons!
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?
Why did Beethoven get rid of all his chickens?
All they said was "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
Apparently you can't use "Beefstew" as a password... It's not stroganoff.
I asked the lion in my wardrobe what he was doing there. He said Narnia business.
This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you’re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero!
My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!
What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought. As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also." Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "Yo! I'm Leonard T." He sat in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror. They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special." As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at. As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal? "I can't take this!" yelled the man. "I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
What movie is really the sequel to April Fools?
What part of the hospital has the least privacy?
Hey, did you hear about the experiment where they blessed the rains down in Africa?
I heard it was a ToTo failure!
I heard on the news that Search and Rescue had plucked 2 stranded fishermen out of the ocean and were looking for their capsized boat. I thought, Gee, how are they ever going to find something that small.
I just burnt this Hawaiian pizza. Guess I should have used aloha temperature.
I just removed all the German contacts from my cell phone. It's now Hans free!
I told my son he couldn't watch the orchestra anymore and he asked why? Because there's too much sax and violins!
What did the Little Mermaid wear to math class?
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall!
I thought to my self, "that's a little condescending"
Saturday and Sunday's are the strongest days... all the rest are weak days!
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
I dated a crosseyed girl but I just knew she was seeing someone on the side.
Where do football players go to get a new uniform?
Singing in the shower is all fun and game until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Dogs can't read an MRI but CATScan!
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
I almost tripped over my wife’s bra the other day... I'm sure it was a booby trap.
What do kangaroos wear to work?
What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Why did the two EMT's travel together?
Because they were a pair-o-medics.
What is the hardest tea to swallow!
Girl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!"
There is a thin line between a numerator and a denominator... And only a fraction of people can understand that.
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me the Thesaurus throat I've ever had.
My friend David lost his id, we now call him Dav.
Is "Buttcheeks" one word?
...or do I need to spread them apart?
What did the upset toast say about my compliments?
Don't butter me up.
Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?
I hate it when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". There stupid.
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
The abdominal snowman.
What’s the name of the fattest knight?
Would February March? No, but April May.
I buy all my weapons from a guy named T-REX... He's a small arms dealer!
How do you cut lightning?
With bolt cutters!
Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes, but they are a solid number two.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
It's autumn. My wife asked me why I won't rake the leaves?. I said, "It's because they're called leaves. If they were called pick-me-ups I would pick them up, but they're called leaves so I leave them."
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they're shellfish creatures.
I bought a book on anti-gravity and just can't seem to put it down.