Whenever I try and eat healthy a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers!
Hey, did you hear about the actress Reese... something, who commited suicide?
Reese Witherspoon? No, with her knife!
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
Why wouldn't they let the butterfly in to the dance?
Because it was a moth ball!
What is the funniest landscape?
What did the pig dress up as for Halloween?
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!
Why can't ticks keep a secret?
Everyone knows a Tic Toks.
Did you know that people who have to wear glasses with their mask... may be entitled to condensation.
How does a Japanese dog say hello?
Konnichi wa wa!
What do you get when a pig mixes two colours?
Which tree is the most pensive?
The ponder-osa pine.
What music do optometrists listen to?
I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.
He said, "Tell me more."
Where do cows go on Friday nights?
To the moo-vies!
What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?
I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends... It means a lot to them!
The guy who stole my iPad... He should FaceTime!
What kind of shoes does a frog wear?
Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
Why do Leprechauns like to garden?
They have green thumbs!
Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
To make ends meat.
Why would a pig dressed in all black never get bullied?
Because Batman is sworn to protect goth-ham!
Doctor says I have the Christmas flu. He called it tinselitis.
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!
What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Seven days without a taco makes Juan weak!
I have a joke about pizza... It's a little cheesy!
When French people stub their toe, do they say "Ow-Oui"?
What do you call a bunny rabbit with a lot of money?
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
It was a shih tzu.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
How do you steal a coat?
How did the computer die?
With a key stroke!
I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
What do you give your dog when you want it to be quiet?
Why did the husband bring his wife a small lizard?
Because she told him to go out and get her a baby monitor.
My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!
When Gathering Berries... You have to be picky!
What do you call an avocado in church?
Why did the pig stand in the middle of the road?
Because he was sooeecidal.
What does garlic do when it gets hot?
It takes its cloves off.
What’s a pig’s favourite Shakespeare play?
What building in your town has the most stories?
The Public Library!
Why do bananas wear sunscreen?
Because they peel!
Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur tibia... It's going to be quite the dinosaur shin-dig.
What does it take to get a PhD in Dad Jokes?
Why don't marketers like trampolines?
They're scared of high bounce rates.
An agnostic dyslexic insomniac must stay awake all night long wondering if there really is a dog.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I love cheesy jokes about eyes... The cornea the better!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it... It's Spam!
Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negatives?
He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
I’m sweet on you.
How do you catch an unusual rabbit?
Unique up on him.
I don't want to get to technical but... Chemists think alcohol is a solution!
What kind of cheese can never be yours?
If a pig loses his voice, does that mean he's disgruntled?
My neighbor told me he is a vegetarian... I told him I thought that was a big missed steak.
How do you know if a wooden box is sick?
If it starts coffin.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Why were the two science books holding hands?
They had chemistry.
I tried Wookie meat... It was Chewy.
Can you tie a knot? "I cannot." "So can you tie a knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Did you hear about the Super Hero with a lisp that always works out?
How to you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
I was reading a book about lubricants... It was non-friction.
The biggest bra made for horses... Is the Z-bra!
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii... Or just a low ha?
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
What do dinosaurs use on the floors of their kitchens?
Where did George Washington get his hatchet?
At the chopping mall.
I've been diagnosed with Kleptomania... but I'm taking something for it!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
What do you call a trendy pig?
What kind of cars do elves drive?
Where do mermaids look for jobs?
The kelp wanted section!
Does anyone remember the joke about a chiropractor I put on here about a week back?
What do you call a duck that gets all A’s?
A wise quicker.
People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a$$ from a hole in the ground.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
Hey, that's not a dad bod... It's a father figure!
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero!
Why did the snow plows ask for a raise?
Because they’re just scraping by.
Why are they called humming birds?
Because they can't remember the words.
What did the flag say to the flagpole?
Nothing, it just waived.
How do we know that trees poop?
Because there are number 2 pencils.
How do trees access the internet?
They log on!
How do you take a sick pig to the hospital?
In a hambulance!
Why are dogs like cell phones?
Because they have collar ID!
I have a horse named Mayo... Mayo neighs!