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Word Play Jokes

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Whenever I try and eat healthy a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers!

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Hey, did you hear about the actress Reese... something, who commited suicide?

Reese Witherspoon? No, with her knife!

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I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

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Why wouldn't they let the butterfly in to the dance?

Because it was a moth ball!

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What is the funniest landscape?

Hill areas!

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What did the pig dress up as for Halloween?

Frankenswine!

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What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

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Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe!

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Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!

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Why can't ticks keep a secret?

Everyone knows a Tic Toks.

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Did you know that people who have to wear glasses with their mask... may be entitled to condensation.

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How does a Japanese dog say hello?

Konnichi wa wa!

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What do you get when a pig mixes two colours?

A pigment!

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Which tree is the most pensive?

The ponder-osa pine.

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What music do optometrists listen to?

iTunes.

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I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.

He said, "Tell me more."

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Where do cows go on Friday nights?

To the moo-vies!

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What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?

Laughing Stock!

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I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends... It means a lot to them!

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The guy who stole my iPad... He should FaceTime!

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What kind of shoes does a frog wear?

Open-toad sandals!

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Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

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Why do Leprechauns like to garden?

They have green thumbs!

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Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?

To make ends meat.

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Why would a pig dressed in all black never get bullied?

Because Batman is sworn to protect goth-ham!

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Doctor says I have the Christmas flu. He called it tinselitis.

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I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!

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What was the most popular dance in 1776?

The Indepen-dance.

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Seven days without a taco makes Juan weak!

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I have a joke about pizza... It's a little cheesy!

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When French people stub their toe, do they say "Ow-Oui"?

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What do you call a bunny rabbit with a lot of money?

A millionhare!⁣

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What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?

An eggroll.

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Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?

It was a shih tzu.

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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

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How do you steal a coat?

You Jack-it!

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How did the computer die?

With a key stroke!

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I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

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Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

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What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig!

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What do you give your dog when you want it to be quiet?

Hush puppies!

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Why did the husband bring his wife a small lizard?

Because she told him to go out and get her a baby monitor.

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My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!

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When Gathering Berries... You have to be picky!

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What do you call an avocado in church?

Holy Guacamole!

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Why did the pig stand in the middle of the road?

Because he was sooeecidal.

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What does garlic do when it gets hot?

It takes its cloves off.

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What’s a pig’s favourite Shakespeare play?

Hamlet!

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What building in your town has the most stories?

The Public Library!

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Why do bananas wear sunscreen?

Because they peel!

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Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur tibia... It's going to be quite the dinosaur shin-dig.

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What does it take to get a PhD in Dad Jokes?

A Parentheses!

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Why don't marketers like trampolines?

They're scared of high bounce rates.

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An agnostic dyslexic insomniac must stay awake all night long wondering if there really is a dog.

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Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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I love cheesy jokes about eyes... The cornea the better!

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My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!

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If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it... It's Spam!

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Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!

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Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negatives?

He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

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What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

I’m sweet on you.

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How do you catch an unusual rabbit?

Unique up on him.

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I don't want to get to technical but... Chemists think alcohol is a solution!

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What kind of cheese can never be yours?

Nacho Cheese!

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If a pig loses his voice, does that mean he's disgruntled?

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My neighbor told me he is a vegetarian.⁠.. I told him I thought that was a big missed steak.⁠

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How do you know if a wooden box is sick?

If it starts coffin.

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What do you call a blind dinosaur?

DoYouThinkHeSawUs Rex!

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Why were the two science books holding hands?

They had chemistry.

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I tried Wookie meat... It was Chewy.

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Can you tie a knot? "I cannot." "So can you tie a knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

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Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?

The hip Doctor!

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Did you hear about the Super Hero with a lisp that always works out?

He’s Thor.

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How to you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

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I was reading a book about lubricants... It was non-friction.

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The biggest bra made for horses... Is the Z-bra!

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Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii... Or just a low ha?

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Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.

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What do dinosaurs use on the floors of their kitchens?

Reptiles.

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Where did George Washington get his hatchet?

At the chopping mall.

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I've been diagnosed with Kleptomania... but I'm taking something for it!

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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

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What do you call a trendy pig?

Calvin Swine!

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What kind of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas!

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Where do mermaids look for jobs?

The kelp wanted section!

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Does anyone remember the joke about a chiropractor I put on here about a week back?

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What do you call a duck that gets all A’s?

A wise quicker.

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People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a$$ from a hole in the ground.

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Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

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Hey, that's not a dad bod... It's a father figure!

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What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander Woman!

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Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero!

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Why did the snow plows ask for a raise?

Because they’re just scraping by.

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Why are they called humming birds?

Because they can't remember the words.

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What did the flag say to the flagpole?

Nothing, it just waived.

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How do we know that trees poop?

Because there are number 2 pencils.

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How do trees access the internet?

They log on!

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How do you take a sick pig to the hospital?

In a hambulance!

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Why are dogs like cell phones?

Because they have collar ID!

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I have a horse named Mayo... Mayo neighs!

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