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Word Play Jokes

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Joke:

Whenever I try and eat healthy a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers!

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Hey, did you hear about the actress Reese... something, who commited suicide?

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How many bites of the forbidden fruit did Adam and Eve take?

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Why do melons have weddings?

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What is the funniest landscape?

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What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

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Why can't ticks keep a secret?

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What did the pig dress up as for Halloween?

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Two Irishmen saw the sign "Tree fellers wanted". The first Irishman said, "If Pat had been with us we'd have got that job."

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Did you know that people who have to wear glasses with their mask... may be entitled to condensation.

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Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!

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I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.

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I was kidnapped by mimes... They did unspeakable things to me.

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Which tree is the most pensive?

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What do you get when a pig mixes two colours?

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Be careful when you eat at Sam and Ella's diner.

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I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.

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What music do optometrists listen to?

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How does a Japanese dog say hello?

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Why wouldn't they let the butterfly in to the dance?

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . . "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

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A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks, the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife on the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "She's selling batteries." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the Seashore."

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Joke:

What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?

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What kind of shoes does a frog wear?

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I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends... It means a lot to them!

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Why do Leprechauns like to garden?

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Where do cows go on Friday nights?

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My friend was down in the dumps the other day so I let her color the tattoo on the top of my arm. She just needed a shoulder to crayon.

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The guy who stole my iPad... He should FaceTime!

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Joke:

Why can't you whisper in class?

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Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area: Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn... He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again," Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian."

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Joke:

Seven days without a taco makes Juan weak!

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Joke:

Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?

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Why would a pig dressed in all black never get bullied?

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

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Joke:

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!

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Joke:

What was the most popular dance in 1776?

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Joke:

When French people stub their toe, do they say "Ow-Oui"?

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A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" "I don’t know, some dumb woman asking if the coast is clear."

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Joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?

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What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?

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What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?

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Joke:

Doctor says I have the Christmas flu. He called it tinselitis.

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Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

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Joke:

Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?

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Joke:

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

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Joke:

How do you steal a coat?

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What do you call a bunny rabbit with a lot of money?

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What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?

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Joke:

Why was the old woman forced to live in a shoe?

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What's a monster's favorite play?

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What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

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What position does a ghost play on his hockey team?

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I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

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Joke:

Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

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Joke:

I have a joke about pizza... It's a little cheesy!

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Joke:

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

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What building in your town has the most stories?

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What do you give your dog when you want it to be quiet?

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Joke:

How did the computer die?

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Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur tibia... It's going to be quite the dinosaur shin-dig.

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Joke:

Why were the two science books holding hands?

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Joke:

What does it take to get a PhD in Dad Jokes?

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Joke:

Does anyone know how to stop condensation in my home? Please call, the kettle is always on.

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What's a witch's favorite subject in school?

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What happens when you stay up all night on Halloween?

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Joke:

What room do ghost avoid?

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Joke:

My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!

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Joke:

When Gathering Berries... You have to be picky!

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Joke:

What do you call an avocado in church?

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Why did the pig stand in the middle of the road?

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Joke:

What does garlic do when it gets hot?

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Joke:

What’s a pig’s favourite Shakespeare play?

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What do you call a blind dinosaur?

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Joke:

Why don't marketers like trampolines?

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Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

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Joke:

What do witches put on to go trick or treating?

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Joke:

An agnostic dyslexic insomniac must stay awake all night long wondering if there really is a dog.

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Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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I love cheesy jokes about eyes... The cornea the better!

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My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!

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Joke:

Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!

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Joke:

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

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Joke:

How do you catch an unusual rabbit?

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Joke:

What kind of cheese can never be yours?

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Joke:

If a pig loses his voice, does that mean he's disgruntled?

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My neighbor told me he is a vegetarian.⁠.. I told him I thought that was a big missed steak.⁠

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Joke:

How do you know if a wooden box is sick?

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Joke:

Why do bananas wear sunscreen?

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Why did the husband bring his wife a small lizard?

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I never finish anything... I have a black belt in partial arts.

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Joke:

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

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What does a ghost call his mom and dad?

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Joke:

Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie?

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Joke:

Where is a ghosts favorite place to live?

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Can you tie a knot? "I cannot." "So can you tie a knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

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Joke:

Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?

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Did you hear about the Super Hero with a lisp that always works out?

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Joke:

How to you find Will Smith in the snow?

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