99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer?
The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.
What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead dog in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being screwed twice!
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail, but his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." The lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule. "Alright," the lawyer says, looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months." "What? That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client. "You're right. It's mine."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
Two lawyers were walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor. "The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor. "I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that." "Would it help to just write it down?" The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury. The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket. The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff." "But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?
Brett and Ruth, who were both judges, were each cited for speeding and had the same date to appear in court. However, when they arrived at court on the appointed day, the courtroom was empty. So, instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each other. Motioning Brett to the stand, Ruth said, "How do you plead?" Brett replied, "Guilty." "That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court." Ruth stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Brett. Ruth replied, "Guilty." Brett reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last fifteen minutes. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."