The Joker

Joke:

I'd tell you a fart joke... But I've run out of gas.

Joke: A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of 3. He said uno, dos, and poof he disappeared without a tres!

Joke: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

Joke: My wife said I ruined her birthday! That's ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her Birthday?

Joke: We're expecting such a cold winter, the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.

Joke: What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?

Joke: 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.

Joke: I ate a donut without sprinkles... Diets are so hard!

Joke: A new teacher was trying to make use of her psycology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid stand up!" After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Joke: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I should have never taken a couple days off.

Joke: My son asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked at me a little perplexed and stared at me in silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

Joke: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Joke: Broken pencils are pointless.

Joke: Yo momma so ugly, the whole world faked a virus just to make her wear a mask!

Joke: What do you call a computer hero?

Joke: When I go to someone else's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

Joke: Why should you never trust Atoms?

Joke: The other day I went to see a psychic. When I knocked on the door she shouted, "Who's there?" So I left.

Joke: How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Joke: Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.

Joke: Will glass coffins become popular? Remains to be seen.

Joke: I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. Thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.

Joke: A man at the gas station asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.

Joke: Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

Joke: I bought a book on anti-gravity and just can't seem to put it down.

Joke: Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.

Joke: Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.

Joke: A woman in Wisconsin texted her husband early one morning, "Windows Frozen". Husband texted back, "Gently pour lukewarm water on windows". Later wife texted back, "Computer REALLY messed up now".

Joke: Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.

Joke: I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.