Why does the bass fart a half-tone flatter than every other fish? He's got a **b** in front of his ass
I was startled by a loud fart. I was fartled.
Why don't little girls fart?
They don't get assholes until they're married!
Do you know why single women can't fart?
Because they don't get a$&holes until they are married.
Thought I could safely force a fart, but it backfired.
What is it called when a prairie dog sees its shadow?
Total Eclipse of a fart.
Why should February 10th be National Fart Day?
Because it's 2/10.
The EU is much like a bad fart. Better out than in.
What do you call it when George Thorogood farts on a throne?
Air to the bone.
Why don't women fart?.
They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.
What do you call a man who makes fart scented candles?
What do you call Pegasus farts?
What did the man quietly say to himself after farting in a crowded elevator?
Thanks a lot, a$$hole.
Why don't women fart?
They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.
What cuts four farts in the morning, two farts at midday, and three farts in the evening?
"Yoga", a Hindi word meaning I hope I don't fart.
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
"You are the wind beneath my wings."
What do you call a fart from a paraplegic?
Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?” Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”
If you get farted on during a fight... Guess what?
You loose that fight!
If two pharaohs farted at the same time, they would have a toot in common.
What do you give your dog when you want it to be quiet?
My girlfriend said she didn't fart, but she's talking out her ass.
When you're sitting on the toilet... The note scribbled on the wall reads: "I sit here broken hearted... I came here to shit, but only farted."
What do you call a hydrocarbon that tells fart jokes?
What do you call a vegetarian fart?
Kale force wind.
What do you call a sudden fart?
What do you call a group of armpit farters?
A pit orchestra.
What do you call a farting Russian?
What did water say when ice farted?
Ice melt it.
Your voice reminds me of a fart. It smells and nobody likes it.
A fart is the only bodily function which has its own punctuation. What is it?
The skid mark.
Why did the skeleton burp?
Because he didn't have the guts to fart.
what do you call a gassy Scotsman?
What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?
The number of my farts is gastronomical.
So my buddy always looks at me when he farts. I think it's just inflatuation.
I keep swallowing live ammunition. I thought, this time I'm going to go to the hospital, but as usual, I just farted a round at home.
Farts I hold in! You might not get it. It's sort of an inside joke.
Did you just fart?
Because you just blew me away.
Did you hear about the unconstitutional ban on farts?
Did you hear about the new text-a-fart service?
It's just one cent per scent sent!
Art is when u fart without F.
Why should you never trust a fart?
You never know what kind of shit your asshole is up to.
Man who eat jelly beans, farts in technicolor.
New Mexican word for today: Brief.
Today, my homie farted so hard, I could barely brief.
What does a cow's fart smell like?
What do you call poop that comes out with a fart?
What do you call a gassy greek?
A Fartin' Spartan.
If a clown farts does it smell funny?
I love eating German sausage, but it always gives me the wurst farts.
I asked my wife if she was going to make a sword out of my fart in bed last night. Cuz she schmelt it!
I accidentally switched toothpaste with hemorrhoid cream. Now my sore tooth's better and my farts are minty fresh.
How's a fart like a teenager alike?
Because once you go to sleep, you can't trust either of them to not sneak out.
How does a blacksmith know you farted?
He smelt it.
Farts are ghosts of things we eat!
Why do women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it, so they blow dry it instead!
Do you know the difference between a fart and a pun?
A pun is a shift of wit and a fart is a whiff of sh!t.
Chuck Norris farted once. He did it in the Sahara forest.
Bad jokes are like farts, better to let them pass.
Kids are like farts, I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it?
What's Invisible and Smells Like Mice?
The difference between men and women is that after being in a relationship for six months a woman wonders if it's time to say 'I love you' and a man wonders if it time to fart in bed.
Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili? If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!
I'm a fartartist. The fart is silent
I farted in a room of hipsters. I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
He who farts In church, sits In his own pew.
What is a clowns fart made of?
What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?
Why are babies are like farts?
We only like our own.
How are US Senators are like farts?
We hate all of them except our own.
Sometimes, When you are happy... no one sees your smile... When you cry ... no one sees your tears... But fart just one time!
I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.
I just released my own fragrance... Nobody in the car seemed to like it.
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Trinidad. One day at the airport they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' What's that? 'Have you farted yet? No.' Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Barbados......
Emotions are like farts. You can only hold them in for so long.
Did I ever tell you about the time I had a fart that lasted for an entire minute?
It's a long-winded story.
Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.
Why is a ninja is like a fart.
They are both silent, but deadly.
What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?
What happens when you eat middle eastern food?
You get falawful farts.
Don had terrible breath. One weekend he and his buddy Roger went on a camping trip. They only had one tent so they would have to sleep together. Don's breath was so bad that Roger couldn't stand it in the small closed space of that tent, so he told Don everytime he wanted to say something he should poke him first, then Roger would put his head under their blanket before Don started talking. Right after hearing that, Don promptly pokes Roger who runs for cover under the blanket to hear Don whisper: "Sorry, I farted."
I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans. I'll call it Farts & Crafts.
Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?
Because noble gases are nonreactive.
-Dad, do farts have a weight? -I don't think so -So....well, I guess I pooped myself.
What is burp?
A fart taking the elevator.
What Happens when you fart in church?
You sit in your own pew.
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A fart. It will cut through your pants and not even leave a hole.
Bravery is when you have a diarrhea and are trying to fart.
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?
A private tooter.
What is the difference between a drinking establishment and an elephant's fart?
One is a bar-room and the other is a BAROOOM!
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, then it's probably crap!
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. "Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!" The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. "Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!" The doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
Thinking a face mask is going to stop Corona Virus is like thinking you underwear will stop a fart.
If you're home alone and hear a fart, do you laugh or get scared?
I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed. It's not my fault they don't have Windows.
I farted in my wallet, now I have gas money.