Why does the bass fart a half-tone flatter than every other fish? He's got a **b** in front of his ass
Thought I could safely force a fart, but it backfired.
Do you know why single women can't fart?
Because they don't get a$&holes until they are married.
Why don't little girls fart?
They don't get assholes until they're married!
Why should February 10th be National Fart Day?
Because it's 2/10.
What is it called when a prairie dog sees its shadow?
Total Eclipse of a fart.
What do you call Pegasus farts?
Horse power.
The EU is much like a bad fart. Better out than in.
What do you call it when George Thorogood farts on a throne?
Air to the bone.
Why don't women fart?.
They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.
What do you call a man who makes fart scented candles?
Incense-itive.
Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?” Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”
What do you call a fart from a paraplegic?
Inert gas.
"Yoga", a Hindi word meaning I hope I don't fart.
Why don't women fart?
They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
"You are the wind beneath my wings."
Art is when u fart without F.
What did the man quietly say to himself after farting in a crowded elevator?
Thanks a lot, a$$hole.
What does a cow's fart smell like?
Dairy-air.
If two pharaohs farted at the same time, they would have a toot in common.
My girlfriend said she didn't fart, but she's talking out her ass.
When you're sitting on the toilet... The note scribbled on the wall reads: "I sit here broken hearted... I came here to shit, but only farted."
What cuts four farts in the morning, two farts at midday, and three farts in the evening?
A sphinxter.
What do you call a group of armpit farters?
A pit orchestra.
If you get farted on during a fight... Guess what?
You loose that fight!
What do you call a hydrocarbon that tells fart jokes?
Crude Oil.
Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili? If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!
Did you just fart?
Because you just blew me away.
Did you hear about the new text-a-fart service?
It's just one cent per scent sent!
A fart is the only bodily function which has its own punctuation. What is it?
The skid mark.
I just released my own fragrance... Nobody in the car seemed to like it.
What do you call poop that comes out with a fart?
Unexpec-turd.
What do you call a vegetarian fart?
Kale force wind.
What do you call a sudden fart?
An insta-tute.
What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?
A farte.
Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.
Kids are like farts, I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, then it's probably crap!
Man who eat jelly beans, farts in technicolor.
Your voice reminds me of a fart. It smells and nobody likes it.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it?
Why did the skeleton burp?
Because he didn't have the guts to fart.
What did water say when ice farted?
Ice melt it.
Why should you never trust a fart?
You never know what kind of shit your asshole is up to.
Do you know the difference between a fart and a pun?
A pun is a shift of wit and a fart is a whiff of sh!t.
The number of my farts is gastronomical.
So my buddy always looks at me when he farts. I think it's just inflatuation.
I accidentally switched toothpaste with hemorrhoid cream. Now my sore tooth's better and my farts are minty fresh.
How's a fart like a teenager alike?
Because once you go to sleep, you can't trust either of them to not sneak out.
Did I ever tell you about the time I had a fart that lasted for an entire minute?
It's a long-winded story.
What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?
A fart.
Sometimes, When you are happy... no one sees your smile... When you cry ... no one sees your tears... But fart just one time!
what do you call a gassy Scotsman?
Bravefart.
What do you call a farting Russian?
Vladimir Putin.
The difference between men and women is that after being in a relationship for six months a woman wonders if it's time to say 'I love you' and a man wonders if it time to fart in bed.
If a clown farts does it smell funny?
I keep swallowing live ammunition. I thought, this time I'm going to go to the hospital, but as usual, I just farted a round at home.
I asked my wife if she was going to make a sword out of my fart in bed last night. Cuz she schmelt it!
How does a blacksmith know you farted?
He smelt it.
He who farts In church, sits In his own pew.
Farts I hold in! You might not get it. It's sort of an inside joke.
Did you hear about the unconstitutional ban on farts?
It's disgusting.
What is a clowns fart made of?
Laughing gas.
Chuck Norris farted once. He did it in the Sahara forest.
Why are babies are like farts?
We only like our own.
What's Invisible and Smells Like Mice?
Cat farts.
What do you call a gassy greek?
A Fartin' Spartan.
Don had terrible breath. One weekend he and his buddy Roger went on a camping trip. They only had one tent so they would have to sleep together. Don's breath was so bad that Roger couldn't stand it in the small closed space of that tent, so he told Don everytime he wanted to say something he should poke him first, then Roger would put his head under their blanket before Don started talking. Right after hearing that, Don promptly pokes Roger who runs for cover under the blanket to hear Don whisper: "Sorry, I farted."
I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans. I'll call it Farts & Crafts.
I love eating German sausage, but it always gives me the wurst farts.
I farted in a room of hipsters. I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
Farts are ghosts of things we eat!
Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?
Because noble gases are nonreactive.
Why do women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it, so they blow dry it instead!
How are US Senators are like farts?
We hate all of them except our own.
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?
A private tooter.
I'm a fartartist. The fart is silent
Why is a ninja is like a fart.
They are both silent, but deadly.
-Dad, do farts have a weight? -I don't think so -So....well, I guess I pooped myself.
New Mexican word for today: Brief.
Today, my homie farted so hard, I could barely brief.
What happens when you eat middle eastern food?
You get falawful farts.
Bad jokes are like farts, better to let them pass.
I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.
What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A fart. It will cut through your pants and not even leave a hole.
What is burp?
A fart taking the elevator.
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
Emotions are like farts. You can only hold them in for so long.
Bravery is when you have a diarrhea and are trying to fart.
I was startled by a loud fart. I was fartled.
What Happens when you fart in church?
You sit in your own pew.
Two flies are eating a turd. One of them farts, and the other one says "Dude, gross. I'm eating."
Thinking a face mask is going to stop Corona Virus is like thinking you underwear will stop a fart.
What is the difference between a drinking establishment and an elephant's fart?
One is a bar-room and the other is a BAROOOM!
What degree did the butt get?
A Master of Fine Farts.
I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed. It's not my fault they don't have Windows.
I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
If you're home alone and hear a fart, do you laugh or get scared?
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. "Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!" The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. "Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!" Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
What do you call a person who teaches you how to fart?
A tutor.
I farted in my wallet, now I have gas money.