The Joker

Joke: Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Joke: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!" And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played a lot of golf, and drank beer and whiskey, and had loads of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.  The End.

Joke: I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's

Joke: They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.

Joke: If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!

Joke: I was time traveling yesterday but I got hungry, so I went back four seconds.

Joke: A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far to many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took out phone book!"

Joke: I tried to catch some fog... I mist!

Joke: Cop: "You were going really fast". Me: "I was just trying to keep up with traffic". Cop: "There isn't any traffic". Me: "I know! That's how far behind I am".

Joke: A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."

Joke: Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked... She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Joke: A man at the gas station asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.

Joke: Police, "Why didn't you report your credit card stolen?" Man, "The thief was spending less than my wife."

Joke: Bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over me. I still can't fly.

Joke: To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.

Joke: Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?" Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, yeah, up to a point."

Joke: Why do crabs never give to charity?

Joke: I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of Chapstick She’s still not talking to me!

Joke: Today I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.

Joke: I finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Joke: An Epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist walk into a bar...

Joke: Two guys got caught stealing a calendar...they both got six months.

Joke: What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

Joke: Some People aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper!

Joke: The reason you can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom is because the pee is silent.

Joke: I need to re-home a dog. It's small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over the neighbor's fence and get it for you.

Joke: Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

Joke: I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Joke: Thinking a face mask is going to stop Corona Virus is like thinking you underwear will stop a fart.

Joke: A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died. In heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in. The German Shepherd said, "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master." "Good!" said God. "Sit at my right side." "Doberman, what do you believe in?" asked God. The doberman answered, "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master." "Aha," said God. "You may sit to my left." Then God looked at the cat and asked "And what do you believe in?" The cat replied, "I believe you're sitting in my seat."