The Joker

Joke: How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Joke: Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.

Joke: I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's

Joke: The other day I went to see a psychic. When I knocked on the door she shouted, "Who's there?" So I left.

Joke: Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.

Joke: Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.

Joke: Police, "Why didn't you report your credit card stolen?" Man, "The thief was spending less than my wife."

Joke: A woman in Wisconsin texted her husband early one morning, "Windows Frozen". Husband texted back, "Gently pour lukewarm water on windows". Later wife texted back, "Computer REALLY messed up now".

Joke: They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.

Joke: A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Joke: I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.

Joke: Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Joke: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Joke: I bought a book on anti-gravity and just can't seem to put it down.

Joke: I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of Chapstick She’s still not talking to me!

Joke: Today I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.

Joke: I tried to catch some fog... I mist!

Joke: For Halloween I dressed up as a screwdriver... I turned a few heads .

Joke: I finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Joke: I need to re-home a dog. It's small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over the neighbor's fence and get it for you.

Joke: A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far to many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took out phone book!"

Joke: I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!

Joke: I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. Thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.

Joke: I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Joke: Cop: "You were going really fast". Me: "I was just trying to keep up with traffic". Cop: "There isn't any traffic". Me: "I know! That's how far behind I am".

Joke: I was time traveling yesterday but I got hungry, so I went back four seconds.

Joke: Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes, but they are a solid number two.

Joke: Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?" Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, yeah, up to a point."

Joke: Some People aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper!

Joke: Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"