The Joker

Question 1

The Speed Of Light

Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Question 2

Stolen Credit Card

Police, "Why didn't you report your credit card stolen?" Man, "The thief was spending less than my wife."

Question 3

Ghost Day Car Joke

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Question 4

Calendar Pun

Two guys got caught stealing a calendar...they both got six months.

Question 5

Monkey And Bananas

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Question 6

Day 9 - Social Distancing

Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.

Question 7

Frozen Windows Joke

A woman in Wisconsin texted her husband early one morning, "Windows Frozen". Husband texted back, "Gently pour lukewarm water on windows". Later wife texted back, "Computer REALLY messed up now".

Question 8

Healthy Salad

I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's

Question 9

Psychic Joke

The other day I went to see a psychic. When I knocked on the door she shouted, "Who's there?" So I left.

Question 10

Mosquito Killer

Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.

Question 11

Anti-Gravity Joke

I bought a book on anti-gravity and just can't seem to put it down.

Question 12

Covid19 Shopping

They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.

Question 13

Don't Drink And Ride

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.

Question 14

How To Catch Fog

I tried to catch some fog... I mist!

Question 15

Glue Stick Vs Chapstick

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of Chapstick She’s still not talking to me!

Question 16

Right And Left Brain

I finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Question 17

I've Sure Gotten Old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. Thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.

Question 18

Keeping Up With Traffic Joke

Cop: "You were going really fast". Me: "I was just trying to keep up with traffic". Cop: "There isn't any traffic". Me: "I know! That's how far behind I am".

Question 19

A Blonde Goes To The Library

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far to many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took out phone book!"

Question 20

Lockdown Update

Today I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.

Question 21

Adopt A Pet

I need to re-home a dog. It's small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over the neighbor's fence and get it for you.

Question 22

Halloween Screwdriver Costume Joke

For Halloween I dressed up as a screwdriver... I turned a few heads .

Question 23

Time Travel Pun

I was time traveling yesterday but I got hungry, so I went back four seconds.

Question 24

New Deodorant

I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!

Question 25

Poop Joke

Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes, but they are a solid number two.

Question 26

Crabs Joke

Why do crabs never give to charity?

Question 27

How To Save A Choking Woman

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

Question 28

My Neighbor Is Stalking Me.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Question 29

When It Rains

When it rains do tall people get wet first?

Question 30

Not Shaking Hands

Some People aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper!

The Joker

The Speed Of Light

Stolen Credit Card

Ghost Day Car Joke

Calendar Pun

Monkey And Bananas

Day 9 - Social Distancing

Frozen Windows Joke

Healthy Salad

Psychic Joke

Mosquito Killer

Anti-Gravity Joke

Covid19 Shopping

Don't Drink And Ride

How To Catch Fog

Glue Stick Vs Chapstick

Right And Left Brain

I've Sure Gotten Old!

Keeping Up With Traffic Joke

A Blonde Goes To The Library

Lockdown Update

Adopt A Pet

Halloween Screwdriver Costume Joke

Time Travel Pun

New Deodorant

Poop Joke

Crabs Joke

How To Save A Choking Woman

My Neighbor Is Stalking Me.

When It Rains

Not Shaking Hands

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