NEW JOKES

Joke: Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen, she lay in eager anticipation of the lovely breakfast her helpful, caring children were making for her. However, after a good long wait, she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Joke: How do Ewoks communicate over long distances?

Joke: Where does Princess Leia go clothes shopping?

Joke: Which Star Wars characters work at a restaurant?

Joke: What do you call a potato that has turned to the Dark Side?

Joke: What do you call a Sith who won't fight?

Joke: What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

Joke: What do you call the website that divulges the secrets of the Galactic Empire?

Joke: Why did the Jedi cross the road?

Joke: What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on the same book for years?

Joke: What do you call a magic dog?

Joke: What to dentists call their X-Rays?

Joke: A man asked his wife what she would do it he won the lottery.  She said, "I would take half the money and leave you!"  "Great!", he said.  "I won $12, here's $6. Stay in touch."

Joke: Yo mama's so fat she went to Jenny Craig and the only thing she lost was $19.99

Joke: Went to a new restaurant the other day and tried the Wookiee steak...  It was chewy.

Joke: What's brown and sticky?

Joke: What did one traffic light says to the other?

Joke: What do you call a tractor with one wheel?

Joke: What's red and bad for your teeth?

Joke: Why did the chicken go to the KFC?

Joke: Yo mama is so fat, that her dream house is a gingerbread house.

Joke: Yo mama so HOT Mexicans use her as a hot sauce!

Joke: Yo mama so FAT she made friends with whales!

Joke: In India, rats are revered... but in Hungary they are Budapest!

Joke: What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant?

Joke: What do you call a rat crossing the road?

Joke: What is the difference between a rat and a squirrel?

Joke: What did one lab rat say to the other?

Joke: Why do rats suck at taking pictures?

Joke: The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back. Next, they try to ask them politely to leave, but still, they won't budge. Finally, the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Joke: Why was Dracula afraid of cows?

Joke: What do you call Dracula when he's shopping for bargains?

Joke: Where does Dracula get his hair cut?

Joke: What's Dracula's favorite streaming service?

Joke: What is Dracula's favorite fruit?

Joke: What did Dracula suffer from after biting a snowman?

Joke: I don't usually whoop...

Joke: It's the time of the year when I get to pretend the five pounds of candy I'm buying is for Trick-or-Treaters.

Joke: It's CORN! + Who let the DOGS OUT? What is it?

Joke: Bully got toasted because...

Joke: Want to hear two short jokes and a long one?

Joke: What’s Grey and not very heavy?

Joke: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Joke: Bono and Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says,"Not U2 again."

Joke: Why are sandals so indecisive?

Joke: Why did the vegetable call a plumber?

Joke: How do you get a farm girls attention?

Joke: I was accused of stealing a thesaurus. I was not only shocked but appalled, aghast, and dismayed.

Joke: What do you call dogs that rarely bark?

Joke: Did you hear about the kidnapping at the School?

Joke: A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything ok, pal? the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" The guy replies, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"

Joke: My friend has a trophy wife... Apparently, he didn't get first place.

Joke: I just ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles accidentally... My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Joke: What part of a museum has the most allergies?

Joke: What does it take to be an organ donor?

Joke: Someone called my phone today, sneezed, and then hung up.

Joke: There was a blonde who had taken up golf. She played her 1st round, and back in after only 20 minutes. She told the pro she was stung by a bee. He asked where. She said, "Between the first hole and the second hole." He said, "Sounds like your stance is too wide."

Joke: We have studied Americans' favorite sports and came up with a conclusion. 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Joke: Sitting next to each other on a plane is a blond woman and a lawyer. To make the plane ride a bit more interesting, the lawyer suggests that he and the blond play a game. "We each take turns to ask a question, and if you answer wrong you must give me $5 and if I answer wrong I give you $5." The blond woman says nothing. "Okay," says the man, "if I answer wrong, I have to give you $50, but if you answer wrong you only have to give me $5." "Alright," says the blond, "you go first." The man asks her "what is the distance from Earth to the nearest star?" the woman says nothing and hands $5 to the man. "What has five legs, is covered in pink and purple spots, and lives on a hill?" The lawyer, never having heard this riddle, gave the woman $50. "Wait," he said, "what is the answer to that question?" Without saying a word, the woman hands him $5.

Joke: An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered enough strength to get out of bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies. Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"

Joke: A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited. The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn." The old farmer said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Joke: A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep." The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Joke: A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Joke: Why did the thief wear blue gloves?

Joke: Where does a turtle go when it's raining?

Joke: What is made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

Joke: Why should golfers take an extra pair of socks when golfing?

Joke: What do you call a pool filled with tacos?

Joke: What do lemons say when they answer the telephone?

Joke: A young redneck goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

Joke: A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathly silence transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Joke: I respect giraffe’s... They’re an animal I can look up to.

Joke: What is a giraffe's favorite fruit?

Joke: Did you know babies are born with four kidneys?

Joke: How do the kids of dentists get around the neighborhood?

Joke: Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."

Joke: Why did the cow cross the road?

Joke: Just read the CEO of IKEA was appointed Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.

Joke: What kind of key opens a haunted house?

Joke: Why did the boy eat waffles for breakfast, lunch and dinner?

Joke: What did one llama say to the other llama?

Joke: Why did the dragon sleep all day?

Joke: Why did the author put on a sweater?

Joke: What do you get when you cross a chef and a meteorologist?

Joke: Why did the kitten smell so good?

Joke: What did the mom dinosaur say to the baby dinosaur?

Joke: What do you get if you are allergic to noodles?

Joke: Why does a lion kneel before it springs?

Joke: What do you call a cat that sucks lemons?

Joke: How does an astronaut cut his hair on the moon?

Joke: Why are there Pop-tarts but no Mom-tarts?

Joke: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Joke: When I was about 7 years old, my mom forced me to go with her to the funeral of a friend of hers that I didn't know. When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the funeral to end. Then a man approached me and said: "Enjoy life, boy. Be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy mine." He patted my head and left. Before leaving, my mom forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled to see the man who was talking to me in the corner was the same one in the coffin. For several years, I was not able to sleep properly because of nightmares. Years later, I discovered that the dead man had a twin brother.

Joke: A Mexican Bandido crossed the border into the US, robbed a bank in a small town, and then slipped across the border back into Mexico. The sheriff of the small town went after him across the border. He trailed him tenaciously for several days and then cornered him in the cantina in a small town, not far from the border. After a brief struggle, the sheriff overpowered the robber, put his gun to the robber's head, and said: "Tell me where you hid the bank's money, or I'll blow your head off!" - But the Bandido did not understand English. But a Mexican guy in the cantina - who understood English, volunteered to be a translator. So he translated to robber what the sheriff said. "O.k., o.k., 1," Said Bandido in Spanish - "I hid the money in the hollow tree, by the road, outside the town!". "What did he say?" asked the sheriff. "He said; "Go ahead!, - You wouldn't dare kill me here in Mexico!" - Answered the translator.

Joke: Where ever there are 4 Irishmen together..There`s a 'FIFTH'..

Joke: Lawyer to James Cagney before his trial: "I think the best thing would be if you pleaded the fifth!"..- Cagney: ''I am not PLEADING the FIFTH - if I can TAKE it!"..

Joke: What do you do if you get shipwrecked in the middle of the Ocean?

Joke: Mike and his pal Tim were on a short visit to Mike's grandma. While Mike was in the kitchen chatting with her, Tim was in the living room - watching TV. Then he noticed a plate of peanuts on the coffee table.  He took it and started snacking on peanuts.  After a few minutes, Mike finished his chat with grandma and the boys started to leave. At the door, Tim shouted to her, but she still is in the kitchen, "Ma'am!, I ate some of the peanuts you had on the table. Thank you!". "Ooh!", granma replied joyfully. "I'm glad someone ate them. Because, since I lost all my teeth, I could not eat them anymore..All I could do is suck all the chocolate off of them!"

Joke: Do you hear about the Rabbi who didn't charge for circumcisions?

Joke: Why is Z the best letter in the alphabet?