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What do you call pigs that write each other?
What do you get when you cross a pig and a canary?
I don't know but, when it sits on the electric wires and sings, all your lights go out!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Why did the girl pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a real boar!
What do you call a pig that plays basketball?
A ball hog.
Why did the pig stand in the middle of the road?
Because he was sooeecidal.
If a pig loses his voice, does that mean he's disgruntled?
What do you call a train with bubble-gum?
A chew-chew train!
A farmer drove to his neighbor's house and knocked on the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad home?", asked the farmer. "No, they went to town.", the boy answered. How about your brother, Howard? asked the farmer. "No, he went to town with mom and dad.", answered the boy. The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy said, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well", said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant." The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charged $500 for bulls and $150 for pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
I'm going to start collecting highlighters... mark my words!
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I'm actually pretty good in bed. I hardly ever fall out anymore.
So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue-ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. ???? I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me ????) Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!
My wife had her driving test today. She got eight out of ten. The other two jumped out of the way!
I never called you stupid, but when I asked you to spell "orange", and you asked me the fruit or the color it kinda caught me off guard.
Yesterday I saw a book called "How to solve 50% of your problems", so I bought two.
I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" scams.
I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for lollies, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Well, I was really impressed, and when I got outside I saw the grandfather loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I walked over and said to the Grandad "Its none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad." "Thanks," said the Granddad. "But I am William. That little a-hole's name is Kevin!
Cop, "What's in the bottle." Lady, "Just water." Cop, "Ma'am that's wine!" Lady, "OMG, Jesus did it again!"
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
What do you call a rabbit that tells a good joke?
A Funny Bunny!
Whenever I try and eat healthy a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers!
A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday... At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the bartender says, "The usual, Jim?" Jim says to his wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team." Next, a stripper says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?" The wife storms out dragon Jim with her and jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver says, "Hey Jimmy Boy, you picked up an ugly one this time!..." Jim's funeral is Sunday!
Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the crap out of them until the light comes on!
Two blonds are trying to unlock their car. The first blond tries to unlock it with a coat hanger. The second blond says, "Hurry up it's starting to rain and the top's down!"
What did one light say to the other light?
I like you a watt!
What is the capital of Texas?
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
Yo mama so fat, she blocked the Suez Canal!
What screams "I'm insecure"?
What kind of wave do tiny surfers ride?
How does a Japanese dog say hello?
Konnichi wa wa!
What is the funniest landscape?
Why don't koala bears hang around other bears?
Because they don't meet the koalafications.
What music do optometrists listen to?
Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
To make ends meat.
Why do tigers have stripes?
So they don't get spotted!
Why do Leprechauns like to garden?
They have green thumbs!
What kind of cheese can never be yours?
I have a joke about pizza... It's a little cheesy!
What's red, white and blue, and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam.
What did the flag say to the flagpole?
Nothing, it just waived.
What stays in one corner but goes all over the US?
Where did George Washington get his hatchet?
At the chopping mall.
What do you get if you cross Star Wars and a Pirate?
Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
I have a chicken-proof lawn... It's impeckable!
Seven days without a taco makes Juan weak!
We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
I keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet... It reminds me of why there is no money there!
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff... Baa-dumm-tss.
If two vegans get into an argument... is it still considered a beef?
What happens when a frog illegally parks?
It gets toad!
I don't want to get to technical but... Chemists think alcohol is a solution!
A young guy from Newfoundland moves to British Columbia and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Newfoundland." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our salespeople average sales of 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Vancouver. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Newfoundland, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65.′′ The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
89-year-old Bob was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Bob replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Bob replied, "That would be my wife.
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually, they got to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… "Junior, go get your Mother."
What's the best way to cook an alligator?
In a CrockPot.
What do dinosaurs use on the floors of their kitchens?
Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
He'll dessert you.
What's a cat's favourite nursery rhyme?
Three blind mice.
What do you call an avocado in church?
Did you hear about the dog that ate the Scrabble tiles?
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
What was the most popular dance in 1776?
How do you catch an unusual rabbit?
Unique up on him.
Why are they called humming birds?
Because they can't remember the words.
When Gathering Berries... You have to be picky!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
I’m sweet on you.
Why are stegosauruses, such good volleyball players?
Because they can really spike the ball.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negatives?
He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?
Because he wanted sweet dreams.
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
Why did the football player bring string to the game?
So he could tie the score.
What do robots have with their guacamole?
How did the caveman survive the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs?
Social Distancing. They kept 56 million years apart.
Why did the baker open a tortilla factory?
For the extra dough!
What was the goal of the detective duck?
To quack the case.
Why don’t zombies care about looks?
They only love you for your brains.
What's a nacho's favorite dance?
What do you call a football player that likes dad jokes?
Why did the snow plows ask for a raise?
Because they’re just scraping by.
Why shouldn't snowmen get angry?
Because if they get too heated, they have a meltdown.
What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in a pot of boiling water?
How many dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five! ... Six! ... Seven! ... Eight!
Why aren't dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Why did the Mafia cross the road?
Forget about it.
Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
It was a shih tzu.
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?
What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?
Because he was stuffed!
If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges... My door is always open.
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the world today were born in the 21st century... They're millennial falcons!
I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the well? It turns out he couldn't see that well.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!