NEW JOKES

Joke: Why did the deer go to the dentist?

Joke: What did the corgi say after someone asked him for money?

Joke: I just found out that one of the new Star Wars shows is going to be about the time that some malware overloaded all of their computers, and I can tell from the title that those computers use Windows!

Joke: What is a Christian's favorite social networking site?

Joke: I just went to a Halloween party for rappers and rap DJs from the Czech Republic, and everyone was dressed in the same costume!

Joke: What did the computer say when it was tired of the user?

Joke: What equipment do you use to increase the volume of bagpipes?

Joke: What is Shaye Saint John's favorite Christmas song?

Joke: What do you call a singing contest that is filmed in a rural area?

Joke: What is a pop star's favorite cryptocurrency?

Joke: What do you call a singing competition for people who play Progress Quest, Cookie Clicker, and Godville?

Joke: Did you hear about the new HBO fantasy series about bagpipers?

Joke: What did Super Mecha Death Christ say when he found his favorite strawberry jam!

Joke: What did the Disney fan say to let people know that he was against AI-generated music?

Joke: People make such a big deal when a forum, blog, social networking site, or podcast website shuts down. But there's one kind of website that people just don't seem to care about these days.

Joke: What do Disney characters eat for breakfast?

Joke: Where did the basketball player buy his computer?

Joke: What was the return policy at the record store?

Joke: How does a cartoon bear wash his hair?

Joke: What is a comedian's favorite kind of metal?

Joke: What do you get when you cross The Beatles with The Rolling Stones?

Joke: What is a music publisher's favorite children's story?

Joke: What spice do people who go to the movie theater enjoy the most?

Joke: What is Daniel Küblböck's favorite card game?

Joke: What is a Democrat's favorite George Gershwin song?

Joke: What kind of insurance did Imogen Heap buy?

Joke: What kind of insurance did Santa Claus buy?

Joke: What is Michael Jackson's favorite kind of pants?

Joke: Why didn't the cashier accept a quarter with teeth marks on it?

Joke: What is a multi-billionaire's favorite fruit?

Joke: What is Donald Trump's least favorite dessert?

Joke: Did you hear that the lead singer of Eurythmics is creating her own computer operating system?

Joke: Why did Jason Derulo cross the road?

Joke: Did you know that there is an organization that knocks on random people's doors preaching about the beauty and deliciousness of tacos?

Joke: Did you know that Nicolas Cage and Cher starred in a church-sponsored film?

Joke: What is the most popular programming language on Tatooine?

Joke: What material did the mathematician use when he replaced his windshield?

Joke: What do you call the text of a play about coffee?

Joke: What website do witches use to do their research?

Joke: If k-pop is Korean pop. What is French art?

Joke: WARNING! When hiking, please take precaution and affix little bells to clothing to avoid surprising a bear. You are further advised to carry pepper spray in case of a bear encounter. Be vigilant and know the difference between bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has bells in it and smells like pepper.

Joke: How do you light up a soccer stadium?

Joke: What do you call a moose with no name?

Joke: Why did King Von always carry a pen?

Joke: What does a German say when he sneezes?

Joke: What do you call a blind german?

Joke: What do you get when you cross a shark with a skunk?

Joke: POV: You're a cop and your partner's name is Phil. You just watched a woman commit a crime on the senate floor, "Phil Uhhhh Bust Her." (Filabuster)

Joke: Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Joke: I'm now at the age when "Picking up a hottie" means buying a rotisserie chicken at Costco.

Joke: What if a minister loses his suitcase?

Joke: What did one cat say to the other cat on the phone?

Joke: How do you get a mouse to smile?

Joke: Why did the elephant call the locksmith?

Joke: Why don't crabs share?

Joke: Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?

Joke: Why does an elephant have a trunk?

Joke: A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German Shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while moment, I'll just take the beware of dog sign.

Joke: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Joke: What animal talks the most?

Joke: What do you call a fly without wings?

Joke: What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu?

Joke: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?

Joke: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?

Joke: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

Joke: What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Joke: What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine?

Joke: Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

Joke: How do you keep a Rhino from charging?

Joke: What do you call a blind deer?

Joke: Yo Momma is so fat that people thought she was a planet colliding with Earth.

Joke: Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Joke:

Yo mama is so fat, she can sell shade.

Joke: There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today they had to upgrade their security system from "Run" to "Hide". If things get any worse they'll have to go to "Surrender", and then "Beg for Mercy".

Joke: Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?

Joke: Little Johnny's teacher was giving a lesson on the importance of learning from mistakes. She asked the class, "Can anyone give me an example of a mistake they learned from?" Little Johnny eagerly raised his hand. "I can, teacher!" "Okay, Johnny, please share your example." Johnny stood up and confidently began, "Last week, I was playing in the living room and my dad was watching a football game. I asked him where the remote was, and he told me it was next to the phone. So I went and picked up the phone, but I couldn't find the remote anywhere." The teacher, puzzled, asked, "So what was the mistake, Johnny?" Johnny grinned, "Well, it turns out my dad said 'phone', but what he actually meant was 'next to the couch'. I learned that sometimes parents don't say what they mean, and next time, I'll just look around more carefully!" The teacher laughed and said, "That's an interesting lesson, Johnny. But next time, try listening more carefully too!" Johnny nodded, "Sure, teacher. Or maybe I'll just keep the remote with me!"

Joke: Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Joke: Shannon received a phone call from the foreman plant that her husband worked at. He sounded grim and she immediately knew something was wrong. "What happened? Is Patrick all right? Please tell me he's ok," she said. The man on the line said, "Shannon, there was an accident at the brewery and your husband is . . . dead." "Oh my goodness, what happened?" Shannon asked. The foreman replied, "He fell into a vat of beer." "Did he at least die quickly?" sobbed Shannon. The man paused, then said, "Well, no . . . he got out three times to use the bathroom."

Joke: What do you call a holy man who fries potatoes?

Joke: WIKIPEDIA: I know everything. GOOGLE: I have everything. FACEBOOK: I know everybody. INTERNET: You're all nothing without me. ELECTRICITY: Keep talking, bitches!

Joke: Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, that is true." "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?" "Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"

Joke: A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

Joke: Why did the jar of Nutella break up with the peanut butter?

Joke: What did the good egg say to the bad egg?

Joke: Why do Santa's helpers get depressed?

Joke: What do they sing to Christmas trees at the retirement parties?

Joke: What do you call a broke Santa Claus?

Joke: Someone asked me, "Where did your sister go hunting?".  I said, "Alaska." He said, "Never mind I'll ask her myself!"

Joke: Why did the pencil go to the party?

Joke: Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Joke: Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Joke: Why don't skeletons trust each other?

Joke: Why was the belt arrested?

Joke: What did the Jewish bartender do when he ran out of beer?

Joke: What do you do when your nose goes on strike?

Joke: Why did the blonde jump off the bridge?

Joke: There is only one thing I can't deal with...

Joke: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Joke: Whats the difference between men and a door?

Joke: Yo momma so stupid... she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl!