Finally! That new joke you have waiting on to brighten up your day and bring laughs to your friends and family! Be the first “joker” in your group to take a crack at these new jokes! Check back often as new jokes are added dailly. You may also be interested in ultimate jokes list or the highest rated jokes.
Why can't Donald Trump go to the White House anymore?
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?
Dogs can't read an MRI but CATScan!
Did you know that people who have to wear glasses with their mask... may be entitled to condensation.
What is a gust of wind's favorite color?
Did you hear that Jon Bon Jovi is on a strict fruit diet?
He's living on a pear.
What do you call a mama cow after it had its baby?
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
It shocks me how bad I am at electrical work around the house.
Hey, did you hear about the experiment where they blessed the rains down in Africa?
I heard it was a ToTo failure!
Why did the two EMT's travel together?
Because they were a pair-o-medics.
My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
My uncle asked me what does IDK mean? I said, "I Don't Know". He said, "Damn, nobody does!"
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "My penis" and the wife falls to the ground laughing, because on-screen it says, "Error, not long enough."
What did Qanon Shaman's mom say to him when he was on his way to jail? Bison.
My Child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with?
A dog. Dog's love meat.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies!
They Say We Can Have Gatherings With Up To Eight People Without Issues. I Don't Even Know Eight People Without Issues.
Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any.
How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My wife keeps trying to come in the house.
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.
When I go to someone else's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
2020 should be a new cuss word like, "I don't give a 2020!"
Today I saw an ad that said, "radio for sale $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."
The Devil called down to Georgia, he was looking for some votes to steal. He was in a bind because he was behind and he was willing to make a deal.
A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic behavior. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to become their victims.
I'm posting this with a heavy heart... As much as I love photography and everything that comes with it, it is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning, cooking, and maintaining the home. So something has to give. I have decided to get rid of my gear. Below is a list of what is available. Serious inquiries only, no stupid offers please. Thanks for reading and understanding. Here is what I have for sale: 1. Vacuum cleaner 2. Dustpan and brush 3. Mop and bucket 4. Cat 5. Iron 6. Laundry detergent 7. Various Mr Muscle products Thank you.
I just called my bank and told them that they counted wrong so I want to find $11,780 in my account by tomorrow!
There were two men working for the city council. One would dig and dig and dig until a deep hole in the ground appeared. The other would come behind him and fill the hole with piles of dirt. The two men worked furiously: one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching the pair from the footpath but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask. He said to the hole digger: “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!” The hole digger replied: “Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that now was named Rolex and the other one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming their dogs like that?" "Helloooooo...," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Singing in the shower is all fun and game until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I'm pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and I'll have the whole set.
I spent twenty minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I've decided to give up! I wished I had never put it on now.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... So, she hugged me.
I asked my wife why she married me. She said, "Because you are funny." I said, "I thought it was because I was good in bed." She said, "See? You are hilarious!"
I was shopping in a large pharmacy and asked one of the wandering assistants, "Excuse me, where can I find a pregnancy test?" "No problem," he said. "They're right beside the condoms." I said, "Id I knew where the condoms were I wouldn't need a pregnancy test."
Why did Beethoven get rid of all his chickens?
All they said was "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
Why does a Rooster crow so early in the morning?
To get a word in before the hens wake up!
Yo Momma is so dumb everytime she hears a car horn she yells "Happy New Year!"
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on the neighborhood activities. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." He Shouted. He began his commentary as his parent put their a plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Smiths have company." He called out. "Noah's riding his new bike!" "Looks like the Stewarts are moving!" After a few moments... "Looks like the Robinson's are having sex!" Startled, his mom and dad sat up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Robinson is on his balcony with a popsicle."
A man goes to the Optician for his eye test. The Optician asks him what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football stadiums, closed theaters, and closed pubs." "That's perfect," says the Optician. "You've got 2020 vision!"
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling well.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
If it's not yours, don't take it. If it's not true, don't say it. If it's not right, don't do it.
If you go Skydiving, and your parachute fails, you have the rest of your life to try to fix it.
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars. "Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For What?" "To buy groceries," I told him. "When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me a dollar, just one dollar, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, and can of coffee and a box of tea." He shrugged and paused. "Times have changed and you can't do that now," he told me. "Too many security cameras."
When chimney sweeps dress in the morning, are they "Sooting up?"
Can you tie a knot? "I cannot." "So can you tie a knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"
In the US, a book titled: "How to change your wife in 30 days", sold 50 million copies in one week, before the author discovered that the title had a spelling error! The correct title was: "How to change your life in 30 days". After the correction, for a whole month, one 2 copies were sold.
A big nose is not an excuse to not wear a mask! I mean, I still wear underwear!
Always wanted to be a comedian but everyone just laughed at me!
Google must be a woman because it knows everything!
A woman sued a Hospital stating that after a recent treatment her husband had lost all interest in sex. The Hospital in their defense stated... "All we did was correct his eyesight!"
I never really believed in Santa, always was a rebel without a claus.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
I don't mean to brag but cashiers are always checking me out.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Some days you're the Dog, & Some days you're the Hydrant.
What is the #1 cause of divorce?
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.
Where does Santa go after Christmas to relax?
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The religious right is neither.
Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!
If all else fails... lower your standards.
Santa's been reading your posts all year... Most of you are getting dictionaries for Christmas.
Santa got stuck in a chimney a few years back? Now he gets Claustrophobia.
Did you hear Christmas has been canceled? Apparently, Santa is in jail. He was caught last year laying a doll under a tree.
What do Christmas and crabs have in common?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
A politician should do two terms - one in office and one in jail.
I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong!
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry... Then things get worse.
If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Grandchildren are spoiled because you can't spank Grandma!
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
My computer doesn't understand me!
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Windows XP Air You turn up at the airport, which is under contract to only allow XP Airplanes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly colored, and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are?" The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor is still wet."
Two jumper cables walk into a bar and the bartender says you better not start something here.
It was a sunny Saturday morning and Brian was beginning his pre-shot routine -- visualizing his upcoming shot -- when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!" Brian was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Brian had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
I switched all the label on my wife spice rack... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
If I shook your family tree, how many nuts would fall out?
My wife said I ruined her birthday! That's ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her Birthday?
A businessman in the first-class cabin decided to chat up the drop-dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?" Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir" Businessman: "Lovely name ... Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close" Businessman: "How close?" Flight Attendant: "Same price."
A man at the gas station asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked... She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied... "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"