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Mental Health Hotline
Joke: Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
Punch Line
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Poor Boy Johnny
Joke: Little Johnny's teacher was giving a lesson on the importance of learning from mistakes. She asked the class, "Can anyone give me an example of a mistake they learned from?" Little Johnny eagerly raised his hand. "I can, teacher!" "Okay, Johnny, please share your example." Johnny stood up and confidently began, "Last week, I was playing in the living room and my dad was watching a football game. I asked him where the remote was, and he told me it was next to the phone. So I went and picked up the phone, but I couldn't find the remote anywhere." The teacher, puzzled, asked, "So what was the mistake, Johnny?" Johnny grinned, "Well, it turns out my dad said 'phone', but what he actually meant was 'next to the couch'. I learned that sometimes parents don't say what they mean, and next time, I'll just look around more carefully!" The teacher laughed and said, "That's an interesting lesson, Johnny. But next time, try listening more carefully too!" Johnny nodded, "Sure, teacher. Or maybe I'll just keep the remote with me!"
A Lamp A Genie And Guinness Beer
Joke: Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
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