81 BAR & DRINKING JOKES

Question 1

Bring Me A Screwdriver

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver. Wife: Flat head, Phillips or Vodka? And that is when I knew she was the one!

Question 2

Girlfriend Make Booze Joke

I used to have a girlfriend who made her own booze. I knew the relationship wouldn’t last but I really miss her still.

Question 3

Bono And Edge Walk Into A Bar Joke

Bono and Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says,"Not U2 again."

Question 4

A Lamp A Genie And Guinness Beer

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Question 5

I'm Not An Alcoholic

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Question 6

What A Pisser

Shannon received a phone call from the foreman plant that her husband worked at. He sounded grim and she immediately knew something was wrong. "What happened? Is Patrick all right? Please tell me he's ok," she said. The man on the line said, "Shannon, there was an accident at the brewery and your husband is . . . dead." "Oh my goodness, what happened?" Shannon asked. The foreman replied, "He fell into a vat of beer." "Did he at least die quickly?" sobbed Shannon. The man paused, then said, "Well, no . . . he got out three times to use the bathroom."

Question 7

Tequila Diet

I'm on the tequila diet. So far I've lost 2 days.

Question 8

A Horse Walks Into A Bar Joke

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender say, "Hey." The horse replies, "Sure!"

Question 9

Drink Whiskey

Some very sad news. My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.

VOTE

Question 10

A Gentleman Walks Into Bar...

A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police. He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has a lick-her (liquor) license.

Question 11

Wine Workout

Did you know that fourteen muscles are activated when you open a bottle of wine? Fitness is my passion.

Question 12

An Irishman Goes Shopping

An Irishman walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what the Irishman had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin'," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

Question 13

Time To Stop Drinking Wine Joke

You know when it's time to cut back on you're wine intake when your doctor tells you, "Your blood type is Chardonn-A positive."

Question 14

Wine Question

Friend, "On average, how much do you spend on a bottle of wine?

Question 15

What Would Jesus Do?

I found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself, What would Jesus do?

Question 16

Don't Drink And Drive Joke

Cop, "What's in the bottle." Lady, "Just water." Cop, "Ma'am that's wine!" Lady, "OMG, Jesus did it again!"

Question 17

Best Irish Toast Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Question 18

Some Kind Of Joke

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"

Question 19

Beer Study

University scientists have released the results of a recent analysis that reveals the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. It turns out that the "hops" in beer contain certain phytoestrogens, and scientists believe that by drinking enough beer, men may turn into women. In the study, 100 male volunteers were asked to drink 8 pints of beer in one hour. The results were observed and recorded. At the end of one hour, every single subject had developed female characteristics and the test was terminated. The data is provided below: After one hour, 100% of the test subjects: 1. Gained weight. 2. Talked excessively without making sense. 3. Became overly emotional. 4. Couldn't drive. 5. Failed to think rationally. 6. Argued over nothing. 7. Had to sit down while urinating. 8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. After these eight symptoms, no further testing was necessary.

Question 20

A Weasel Walked Into A Bar

Did you hear about the weasel that walked into a bar in Minnesota? The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel!

Question 21

Cooking With Wine

Tried cooking with wine last night, after 5 glasses,... I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

Question 22

Chemist Joke

I don't want to get to technical but... Chemists think alcohol is a solution!

Question 23

Keep A Bottle Of Wine In The Fridge Joke

Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions... Sometimes the special occasion is that you have a bottle of wine in the fridge!

Question 24

Tomato Juice Is Good For You Joke

There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even if it's cold, over ice, with a celery stock... and vodka.

Question 25

Wine Bottles

They should put more wine in a bottle... so there's enough for two people.

Question 26

Your Type

Times New Roman and Helvetica walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type in here."

Question 27

Finish What You Started

Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!

Question 28

Drinking Problem Joke

I used to think drinking alcohol was bad for me, so I gave up thinking.

Question 29

An Irish Prayer Joke

An Irishman was flustered about not being able to find a parking space. "Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday." Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."

Question 30

Skeleton Walks Into A Bar

A skeleton walked into the bar. What did he ask?

Question 31

Drinking Problem?

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia, and learned that if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

Question 32

Two Jumper Cables Joke

Two jumper cables walk into a bar and the bartender says you better not start something here.

Question 33

Cure For Shyness Joke

So you suffer from shyness? Do you wish you were sometimes more assertive? Ask you Doctor or Pharmacist about Tequila!

Question 34

Halloween Party Ghost

Why did the ghost have to leave the halloween party?

Question 35

A Duck Walks Into A Bar

So, a duck walks into a bar. It asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies, "No? I mean this is a bar. We don't really sell that kind of stuff..." So the duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back in. "Got any grapes?" the duck asks. "No," The bartender says of annoyed. The duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back and asks, "Got any grapes?" Finally, the bartender has had enough. "NO! We don't have any grapes. If you come in one more time asking if you've got any grapes, I'll nail your bill to the wall!" The duck leaves. The next day it comes back and says, "Got any nails?" The bartender replies, "No?" Then the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

Question 36

Boxed Wine

I'm thinking about the wine box back to complain. It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, it only lasted me 3 hours!

Question 37

Don't Drink Gas Joke.

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas without getting sick?

Question 38

Dog Gunfight Pun

A dog walks into a bar in the old west days and ends up in a fight. They go out in the street and in a shootout he gets his gun shot out of his hand. He comes back into the saloon the next day with his gun strapped on the other side and says .."I want to see the son of a bitch that shot my paw?"

Question 39

Two Peanuts

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

Question 40

Pirate With Ship's Steering Wheel

A pirate walks in to a bar, he has the whole pirate gettup: peg leg, funky hat,the long beard, and the parrot. But he has a ship steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, but you have a ship steering wheel in your pants. "The pirate says, "Arrrggg, IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"

Question 41

Two Black Eyes

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

Question 42

Dancing Shoes

I drank so much wine last night, when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

Question 43

Corona Virus... Just Say No.

After The International Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub and go out for a beer. The first sits down and says, "Hey, Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please." The bartender gives him one. Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Guinness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback but gives him what he ordered. The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Question 44

Use Vodka To Clean House

Someone sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning around the house... it worked! The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked.

Question 45

My Living Will

Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetive state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." They got up, unplugged my computer and threw away my wine! The little ingrates.

Question 46

Getting Lectured

89-year-old Bob was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Bob replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Bob replied, "That would be my wife.

Question 47

She Loves Me. . . Not!

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

Question 48

Two Guys In A Bar Joke

Two guys are sitting together in a bar. One guy starts yelling at the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first guy yells out again, "HEY...I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other guy just looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you’re drunk."

Question 49

Rope Walks In Bar Pun

A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve string in his bar and to get out. The rope goes outside messes up his hair, ties himself up, and walks back into the bar. The bartender sees him and says "aren't you the rope that was just in here"? The rope responds "not me, I'm a frayed not".

Question 50

Bowl Of Pretzels Pun

This guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" the bartender replies "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

Question 51

Steaks In A Bar Pun

A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender what's the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump up and slap a piece of meat you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss you have to buy drinks for everyone in the bar. So the bartender asks him if he wants to go for it. The guy tells him, "I can't, the steaks are just too high."

Question 52

An Irishman Walks Into A Bar Joke

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness. He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second, and on. The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can’t drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney" So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story. One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness… The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother…" The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it’s not that!! I just gave up drinking."

Question 53

Does Anyone Know CPR?

I was drinking a margarita at a bar when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet!" and we all laughed and laughed. Well. except one guy.

Question 54

Sooner Or Later

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?" The man said, "Here and there." The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?" The man said, "This and that." The judge then said, "Take him away." The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?" The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."

Question 55

Quit Drinking Joke

My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!

Question 56

Temperature Check Joke

Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went in for macaroni and cheese and came out with two cases of beer!

Question 57

David Hasselhoff Walked Into A Bar Joke

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It's a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff," said the bartender. "Just call me Hoff," the actor replied. "Sure," the bartender said, "no hassle."

Question 58

Irish Pub Bet

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mothers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes?" The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Question 59

Drinking Wine Joke

Put a glass of wine in each room of your house and call it a wine tour.

Question 60

Giving Up Drinking

I'm giving up drinking until this is over...

Question 61

Mile Per Gallon Joke

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 2.2 gallons of beer, which means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon!

Question 62

Bear Paw Pun

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The bear says "I'll have a rum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear answers, " What can I say, I was born with 'em."

Question 63

Asphalt Pun

A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt. The man says "I'll take a beer ...and one for the road"

Question 64

Sugar Is The Word Joke

Saturday night I was in a bar having a beer, minding my own business, when this big, hairy, mean, drunk biker dude gets in my face, and starts screaming "SUGAR IS THE ONLY WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WHERE THE S SOUNDS LIKE SH. AM I RIGHT?" I didn't want to cause any trouble, so i said "Sure."

81 BAR & DRINKING JOKES

Bar & Drinking Jokes

Bring Me A Screwdriver

Girlfriend Make Booze Joke

Bono And Edge Walk Into A Bar Joke

A Lamp A Genie And Guinness Beer

I'm Not An Alcoholic

What A Pisser

Tequila Diet

A Horse Walks Into A Bar Joke

Drink Whiskey

A Gentleman Walks Into Bar...

Wine Workout

An Irishman Goes Shopping

Time To Stop Drinking Wine Joke

Wine Question

What Would Jesus Do?

Don't Drink And Drive Joke

Best Irish Toast Joke

Some Kind Of Joke

Beer Study

A Weasel Walked Into A Bar

Cooking With Wine

Chemist Joke

Keep A Bottle Of Wine In The Fridge Joke

Tomato Juice Is Good For You Joke

Wine Bottles

Your Type

Finish What You Started

Drinking Problem Joke

An Irish Prayer Joke

Skeleton Walks Into A Bar

Drinking Problem?

Two Jumper Cables Joke

Cure For Shyness Joke

Halloween Party Ghost

A Duck Walks Into A Bar

Boxed Wine

Don't Drink Gas Joke.

Dog Gunfight Pun

Two Peanuts

Pirate With Ship's Steering Wheel

Two Black Eyes

Dancing Shoes

Corona Virus... Just Say No.

Use Vodka To Clean House

My Living Will

Getting Lectured

She Loves Me. . . Not!

Two Guys In A Bar Joke

Rope Walks In Bar Pun

Bowl Of Pretzels Pun

Steaks In A Bar Pun

An Irishman Walks Into A Bar Joke

Does Anyone Know CPR?

Sooner Or Later

Quit Drinking Joke

Temperature Check Joke

David Hasselhoff Walked Into A Bar Joke

Irish Pub Bet

Drinking Wine Joke

Giving Up Drinking

Mile Per Gallon Joke

Bear Paw Pun

Asphalt Pun

Sugar Is The Word Joke

Get Me A Beer Joke

A Trees Favorite Drink Joke

Saint Patrick

Self Testing For COVID-19

Coffee Can Make You Aggressive

Eleven Inch Pianist Joke

Termite Joke

Crowbar Joke

Three Little Pigs Joke

Stopped Drinking Coffee

A Pirate Walks Into A Bar

A Guy Sits Down At The Bar Joke

Beer And Beans.

Jewish Bartender