56 DOCTOR JOKES

Question 1

A Funny Banana Joke

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Question 2

Dr. Pepper Joke

What kind of Doctor is Dr. Pepper?

Question 3

Optometrist Music Joke

What music do optometrists listen to?

Question 4

Doctor Walker..

My doctor told me he`ll have me walking in 7 days...

Question 5

Doctor's Hat

What kind of hats do doctors wear?

Question 6

Grease Joke

I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.

Question 7

Mile Bath Pun

A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".

Question 8

Tennessee Babies Joke

Deep In the backwoods of Tennessee, a man's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes, he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The man scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

Question 9

Breast Or Bottle Fed?

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

VOTE

Question 10

Female Pharmacist

A man enters a pharmacy and quietly walks around for a minute or two, then finally approaches the lady behind the counter. "May I speak to the pharmacist, please?", he asks. The lady responds, "I am the pharmacist." The man asks if there is a male pharmacist, and the lady pharmacist responds, "No, but please don't be concerned, I have been a pharmacist, and my sister and I have owned this pharmacy, for many years, and there is nothing you could ask that would be embarrassing to us. "Well . . ", the man hesitantly says, "I have this problem . . . I have a perpetual erection, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist responds, "Let me discuss this with my sister, I'll be back in a couple of minutes." After a few minutes, the pharmacist returns and says, "My sister and I have given it much thought and have decided that the best we could do is $20,000 and half of the business."

Question 11

Sex Life Joke

This guy was having trouble with his sex life so his doctor suggested he try jogging 10 miles a day. He called his doctor a week later and when asked about how his sex life is going he answered "How would I know Doc... I'm 70 miles from home."

Question 12

Psychiatrist Pun

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in cellophane. The doctor looks at the guy and says "well I can obviously see your nuts."

Question 13

Midwife Joke

Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!

Question 14

High Blood Pressure

My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him next time not to leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.

Question 15

Mal Practice

A woman sued a Hospital stating that after a recent treatment her husband had lost all interest in sex. The Hospital in their defense stated... "All we did was correct his eyesight!"

Question 16

Coolest Doctor Joke

Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?

Question 17

Cure For Shyness Joke

So you suffer from shyness? Do you wish you were sometimes more assertive? Ask you Doctor or Pharmacist about Tequila!

Question 18

Talk About Your Weight Joke

The doctor said to me this morning, "I'd like to talk about your weight." I said, "Well, it was about 25 minutes, but at least the chair was comfy!"

Question 19

Bigger Boobies

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." Little Johnny sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked, and whispered, "Hickory Dickory Dock..."

Question 20

Nair Hair Removal Warnings!

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you’re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

Question 21

Cheesy Jokes About Eyes

I love cheesy jokes about eyes... The cornea the better!

Question 22

Kleptomania Joke

I've been diagnosed with Kleptomania... but I'm taking something for it!

Question 23

Testicle Joke

"Well, Mr. Brown." Says the doctor. "I have just discovered that you have one testicle made of wood and one testicle made of steel." "But that's impossible." Says Mr. Brown. "I've never had any operations and apart from that I have two perfectly healthy children." "How old are your children?" "Well, Pinocchio is 6 and Terminator is 7."

Question 24

The Chameleon That Couldn't Change Color Joke

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color?

Question 25

Chiropractor Joke

Does anyone remember the joke about a chiropractor I put on here about a week back?

Question 26

My Dad's A Doctor.

Five year old Bella answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Five thousand bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

Question 27

Blonde X-Ray

Doctor, "I'm just waiting for your x-ray." Blonde, "But I never dated anyone named Ray." Doctor, "And we might do a brain scan."

Question 28

A Pirate Goes To A Doctor

A pirate goes to the doctor's and says, "I have moles on my back!" The Doctor: "It’s ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again! I think there be ten!"

Question 29

Blood Pun

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

Question 30

A Native American Psychiatrist Pun

A Native American goes to see his psychiatrist about the dreams he is having. After describing that one is about teepees and the other is about wigwams the psychiatrist tells him he knows what the problem is and tells him "you must be two tents".

Question 31

Environmentalists

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area... and I'm sorry, they all turned me down."

Question 32

Cookie Doctor Joke

When does a cookie go to see a doctor?

Question 33

Hot Or Cold Joke

What’s faster hot or cold?

Question 34

Doctors And Lawyers Coke Joke

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, " I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Question 35

Quit Drinking Joke

My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!

Question 36

Dogs Can't Read

Dogs can't read an MRI but CATScan!

Question 37

Tweety Bird Hospital Joke

Why did the Tweety bird go the hospital?

Question 38

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant Joke

Doctor: Your girlfriend Is pregnant. Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story... A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts BANG at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.

Question 39

Sick Ant Joke

Why don't ants get sick?

Question 40

Nasty Virus

A man returns to the U.S. from overseas and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings."This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."

Question 41

Hospital Joke

What part of the hospital has the least privacy?

Question 42

Going Deaf Joke

The Doc told me I was going deaf... It was hard to hear.

Question 43

A Second Opinion

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

Question 44

Red Pen Joke

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Question 45

An 86 Year Old Man Walked Into A Crowded Waiting Room Joke

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" “There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't pee out of it," he replied......... The waiting room erupted in laughter!

Question 46

Stunning Girlfriend Joke

The guy next to me on the train pointed to a photograph and said "This is my girlfriend, isn't she beautiful?" "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my wife," says I. "Why is she stunning?" "No, she's an optician!"

Question 47

Gingerbread Man Treatment Joke

How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?

Question 48

A Guy Goes To The Doctor For A Checkup...

A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir, I have bad news and I have worse news". The guy says, "Well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "Well sir you have Cancer". The guy says "That's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "Well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease". "Well", answers the guy, "At least I don't have Cancer".

Question 49

Psychiatrist To Me I Had A Split Personality

I went to the psychiatrist today. She told me I have a split personality and charged me $160.

Question 50

Stopped Drinking Coffee

I found that I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka.

Question 51

A Man Goes To The Optician Joke

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test. The Optician asks him what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football stadiums, closed theaters, and closed pubs." "That's perfect," says the Optician. "You've got 2020 vision!"

Question 52

Dentist X-Rays Joke

What to dentists call their X-Rays?

Question 53

Clone Jokes

We should ban jokes about clones... they're all the same!

Question 54

Shrinking Man See's A Doctor

A man runs into the doctor's office screaming that he is shrinking. The doc says, "Calm down you just need to be a little patient."

Question 55

I Think I'm Chicken

Psychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Question 56

COVID-19 Humor

An Epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist walk into a bar...

56 DOCTOR JOKES

Doctor Jokes

A Funny Banana Joke

Dr. Pepper Joke

Optometrist Music Joke

Doctor Walker..

Doctor's Hat

Grease Joke

Mile Bath Pun

Tennessee Babies Joke

Breast Or Bottle Fed?

Female Pharmacist

Sex Life Joke

Psychiatrist Pun

Midwife Joke

High Blood Pressure

Mal Practice

Coolest Doctor Joke

Cure For Shyness Joke

Talk About Your Weight Joke

Bigger Boobies

Nair Hair Removal Warnings!

Cheesy Jokes About Eyes

Kleptomania Joke

Testicle Joke

The Chameleon That Couldn't Change Color Joke

Chiropractor Joke

My Dad's A Doctor.

Blonde X-Ray

A Pirate Goes To A Doctor

Blood Pun

A Native American Psychiatrist Pun

Environmentalists

Cookie Doctor Joke

Hot Or Cold Joke

Doctors And Lawyers Coke Joke

Quit Drinking Joke

Dogs Can't Read

Tweety Bird Hospital Joke

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant Joke

Sick Ant Joke

Nasty Virus

Hospital Joke

Going Deaf Joke

A Second Opinion

Red Pen Joke

An 86 Year Old Man Walked Into A Crowded Waiting Room Joke

Stunning Girlfriend Joke

Gingerbread Man Treatment Joke

A Guy Goes To The Doctor For A Checkup...

Psychiatrist To Me I Had A Split Personality

Stopped Drinking Coffee

A Man Goes To The Optician Joke

Dentist X-Rays Joke

Clone Jokes

Shrinking Man See's A Doctor

I Think I'm Chicken

COVID-19 Humor

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