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Doctor Jokes

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What kind of hats do doctors wear?

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I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.

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A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

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What music do optometrists listen to?

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A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".

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A man enters a pharmacy and quietly walks around for a minute or two, then finally approaches the lady behind the counter. "May I speak to the pharmacist, please?", he asks. The lady responds, "I am the pharmacist." The man asks if there is a male pharmacist, and the lady pharmacist responds, "No, but please don't be concerned, I have been a pharmacist, and my sister and I have owned this pharmacy, for many years, and there is nothing you could ask that would be embarrassing to us. "Well . . ", the man hesitantly says, "I have this problem . . . I have a perpetual erection, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist responds, "Let me discuss this with my sister, I'll be back in a couple of minutes." After a few minutes, the pharmacist returns and says, "My sister and I have given it much thought and have decided that the best we could do is $20,000 and half of the business."

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This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in cellophane. The doctor looks at the guy and says "well I can obviously see your nuts."

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This guy was having trouble with his sex life so his doctor suggested he try jogging 10 miles a day. He called his doctor a week later and when asked about how his sex life is going he answered "how would I know Doc... I'm 70 miles from home."

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My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him next time not to leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.

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A woman sued a Hospital stating that after a recent treatment her husband had lost all interest in sex. The Hospital in their defense stated... "All we did was correct his eyesight!"

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." Little Johnny sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked, and whispered, "Hickory Dickory Dock..."

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I love cheesy jokes about eyes... The cornea the better!

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Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!

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Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?

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I've been diagnosed with Kleptomania... but I'm taking something for it!

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So you suffer from shyness? Do you wish you were sometimes more assertive? Ask you Doctor or Pharmacist about Tequila!

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I went to the psychiatrist today. She told me I have a split personality and charged me $160.

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Five year old Bella answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Five thousand bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

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Does anyone remember the joke about a chiropractor I put on here about a week back?

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A pirate goes to the doctor's and says, "I have moles on my back!" The Doctor: "It’s ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again! I think there be ten!"

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"Well, Mr. Brown." Says the doctor. "I have just discovered that you have one testicle made of wood and one testicle made of steel." "But that's impossible." Says Mr. Brown. "I've never had any operations and apart from that I have two perfectly healthy children." "How old are your children?" "Well, Pinocchio is 6 and Terminator is 7."

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My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!

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This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you’re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

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We should ban jokes about clones... they're all the same!

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The guy next to me on the train pointed to a photograph and said "This is my girlfriend, isn't she beautiful?" "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my wife," says I. "Why is she stunning?" "No, she's an optician!"

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A Native American goes to see his psychiatrist about the dreams he is having. After describing that one is about teepees and the other is about wigwams the psychiatrist tells him he knows what the problem is and tells him "you must be two tents".

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They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

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Doctor, "I'm just waiting for your x-ray." Blonde, "But I never dated anyone named Ray." Doctor, "And we might do a brain scan."

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What part of the hospital has the least privacy?

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When does a cookie go to see a doctor?

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An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" “There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't pee out of it," he replied......... The waiting room erupted in laughter!

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Why did the Tweety bird go the hospital?

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What’s faster hot or cold?

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A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area... and I'm sorry, they all turned me down."

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How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?

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Doctor: Your girlfriend Is pregnant. Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story... A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts BANG at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.

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A man returns to the U.S. from overseas and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings."This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."

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The Doc told me I was going deaf... It was hard to hear.

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Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

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A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir, I have bad news and I have worse news". The guy says, "Well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "Well sir you have Cancer". The guy says "That's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "Well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease". "Well", answers the guy, "At least I don't have Cancer".

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Dogs can't read an MRI but CATScan!

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My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

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A man goes to the Optician for his eye test. The Optician asks him what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football stadiums, closed theaters, and closed pubs." "That's perfect," says the Optician. "You've got 2020 vision!"

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A man runs into the doctor's office screaming that he is shrinking. The doc says, "Calm down you just need to be a little patient."

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I found that I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka.

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Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

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An Epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist walk into a bar...

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What kind of Doctor is Dr Pepper?

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