I was going to get a brain transplant...then I changed my mind.
Two ships, one carrying a cargo of red paint, the other carrying a cargo of purple paint, ran aground on a desert island. The sailors are now marooned.
How do you make pickle bread?
Use dill dough.
Confucius say man who walks around with hands in pocket all day long feels cocky.
I used to have a girlfriend who made her own booze. I knew the relationship wouldn’t last but I really miss her still.
Lenin's tomb is a communist plot.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Did you hear about the big hole at the intersection in town? Police are looking into it.
I was watching TV, my son was in a chair behind me reading a book. He said "dad, what does gays mean?" I got nervous, I said, "well, you know how me and your mother loves each other, its the same thing but with two men." He said "oh, ok. What does penetrating gays mean." Looking confused I said read me the sentence. He read, "She stared at her husband with a penetrating gaze".....
Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?
Their specialty is steamed mussels.
A Native American goes to see a psychiatrist about some bad dreams he is having. The psychiatrist asks him to describe his nightmares and he said they are always about either wigwams or teepees. The doctor tells him he is obviously two tense.
A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".
When chimney sweeps dress in the morning, are they "Sooting up?"
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
A Woman tried to cut off her lover's penis, missed and cut his thigh, charged with a misdaweiner.
Class trip to Coca-Cola. I hope there's no pop quiz.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut House.
I never really believed in Santa, always was a rebel without a claus.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period!
If you are ever attacked by a bunch of clowns just go right for the juggler.
A lumberjack walks into the woods and goes to cut down a tree with his ax. The tree shout out "hey wait I'm a talking tree". The lumberjack responds "you may be a talking tree but you'll dialogue".
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in cellophane. The doctor looks at the guy and says "well I can obviously see your nuts."
Santa got stuck in a chimney a few years back? Now he gets Claustrophobia.
A guy ends up in the emergency room from eating bad horse meat. The doctor told his family he's in stable condition.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
Great news everyone. Apparently that man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun... is now fully "recovered".
Can you tie a knot? "I cannot." "So can you tie a knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"
I was kicked out of my cooking class for stealing. I still think it was a whisk worth taking.
A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police. He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has a lick-her (liquor) license.
I would never open a restaurant on the moon....no atmosphere.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
If you boil a funny bone, it's a laughing stock, that's humerous!
if Geico ever fired the gecko that would be a reptile disfunction.
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? So he could get a long little doggie.
Times New Roman and Helvetica walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type in here."
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new years but no one likes a quitter, so here is my New Years resolution. 1080p!
What does a cow's fart smell like?
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.
Farts I hold in! You might not get it. It's sort of an inside joke.
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Lettuce come together. Romaine Calm. This may be just the tip of the iceberg.
Two guys got into a fight on the bus here yesterday and one of the guys threw a hatchet and hit the other guy in the head. The strange part is the victim refused to press charges so my guess is that he must have axed for it.
How did the crazy guy get through the jungle? He took a psycho path.
I never really wanted to believe that my friend, a road worker, was stealing from his job but when I went to his house there they were. I should have known, all the signs were right there.
A Native American goes to see his psychiatrist about the dreams he is having. After describing that one is about teepees and the other is about wigwams the psychiatrist tells him he knows what the problem is and tells him "you must be two tents".
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
What does a clock do when it gets hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies!
I asked my wife if she was going to make a sword out of my fart in bed last night. Cuz she schmelt it!
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Who can drink 5 gallons of gas without getting sick?
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work!
Why do cows have hooves?
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger….then it hit me
A dog walks into a bar in the old west days and ends up in a fight. They go out in the street and in a shootout he gets his gun shot out of his hand. He comes back into the saloon the next day with his gun strapped on the other side and says .."I want to see the son of a bitch that shot my paw?"
My friend keeps telling me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I guess I'm just going to have to put my foot down.
Three moles had been burrowing underground when the first one says "did you smell something sweet, it smelled like candy?' The second one said he smelled something sweet but it was more like honey. The one at the back of the line told them "I smelled something but it didn't smell sweet, it smelled like mole asses!"
I just told my suitcase that we're not going on vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of Robitussin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!
My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter or sew it seams.
What did Qanon Shaman's mom say to him when he was on his way to jail? Bison.
So my buddy always looks at me when he farts. I think it's just inflatuation.
He who farts In church, sits In his own pew.
There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it. They have names for each of the services: "Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers."
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts cost $2.25... These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
I refuse to take a nap... Is that resisting a rest?
What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall? DAM!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband with his guitars. The judge asks her, "first offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender."
Where does Santa go after Christmas to relax?
A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve string in his bar and to get out. The rope goes outside messes up his hair, ties himself up, and walks back into the bar. The bartender sees him and says "aren't you the rope that was just in here"? The rope responds "not me, I'm a frayed not".
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're really making headlines.
This guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" the bartender replies "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender what's the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump up and slap a piece of meat you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss you have to buy drinks for everyone in the bar. So the bartender asks him if he wants to go for it. The guy tells him, "I can't, the steaks are just too high."
Who is Irish and sits outside all day?
What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor?
Looking for an internship.
I'm a fartartist. The fart is silent
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
The first five florist I called knew nothing about carpet or tile. And suddenly I'm the idiot.
What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?
Two test tickles.
Huge fight at seafood restaurant. Battered fish everywhere!
This girl said she recognized me from some vegan restaurant but I knew I'd never met herbivore.
Two antennas got married yesterday. The wedding was just ok but the reception was really good.
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The bear says "I'll have a rum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear answers, " What can I say, I was born with 'em."
Hollywood has been making a movie about constipation for years but they aren't sure if it will ever come out.
A horse got hurt but he is doing fine and in fact, he is back in stable condition.
I used to have a job cleaning mirrors but I couldn't see myself doing it for a living.
A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"
6:30 is hands down the best time on any clock.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to the lock calmly. Because communication is key.
Will glass coffins become popular? Remains to be seen.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.
The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one kid and let the other one off...
My friend is changing his bands name to 999 Megabytes because they never got a gig.
I never really thought communism would work. Way to many red flags.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.