How do you make pickle bread?
Use dill dough.
Two ships, one carrying a cargo of red paint, the other carrying a cargo of purple paint, ran aground on a desert island. The sailors are now marooned.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Confucius say man who walks around with hands in pocket all day long feels cocky.
I was going to get a brain transplant...then I changed my mind.
I had to fire the guy who cut my lawn... He just didn't cut it!
I used to have a girlfriend who made her own booze. I knew the relationship wouldn’t last but I really miss her still.
I was watching TV, my son was in a chair behind me reading a book. He said "dad, what does gays mean?" I got nervous, I said, "well, you know how me and your mother loves each other, its the same thing but with two men." He said "oh, ok. What does penetrating gays mean." Looking confused I said read me the sentence. He read, "She stared at her husband with a penetrating gaze".....
Did you hear about the big hole at the intersection in town? Police are looking into it.
A Native American goes to see a psychiatrist about some bad dreams he is having. The psychiatrist asks him to describe his nightmares and he said they are always about either wigwams or teepees. The doctor tells him he is obviously two tense.
Lenin's tomb is a communist plot.
I just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee does not include a driver. Can't believe I spend all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!
Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?
Their specialty is steamed mussels.
When chimney sweeps dress in the morning, are they "Sooting up?"
A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Class trip to Coca-Cola. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in cellophane. The doctor looks at the guy and says "well I can obviously see your nuts."
Santa got stuck in a chimney a few years back? Now he gets Claustrophobia.
I never really believed in Santa, always was a rebel without a claus.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period!
A Woman tried to cut off her lover's penis, missed and cut his thigh, charged with a misdaweiner.
I shaved my head when I started going bald years ago, but I still carry a comb... I just can’t part with it.
A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police. He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has a lick-her (liquor) license.
Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
Great news everyone. Apparently that man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun... is now fully "recovered".
I'm a grown up... I groan when I get up!
I yelled into a colander while cooking... now my voice is strained.
A lumberjack walks into the woods and goes to cut down a tree with his ax. The tree shout out "hey wait I'm a talking tree". The lumberjack responds "you may be a talking tree but you'll dialogue".
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut House.
Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like well damn.
I was kicked out of my cooking class for stealing. I still think it was a whisk worth taking.
If you are ever attacked by a bunch of clowns just go right for the juggler.
if Geico ever fired the gecko that would be a reptile disfunction.
I would never open a restaurant on the moon....no atmosphere.
A guy ends up in the emergency room from eating bad horse meat. The doctor told his family he's in stable condition.
Can you tie a knot? "I cannot." "So can you tie a knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"
Did you hear about the weasel that walked into a bar in Minnesota? The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel!
If you boil a funny bone, it's a laughing stock, that's humerous!
Why was the piano locked out of the house?
He did not have the right key!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport... I do it for the kicks!
A train worker was struck by lightning... He was a great conductor!
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Times New Roman and Helvetica walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type in here."
My kids were very upset when our bunnies escaped. They're too young to deal with hare loss.
If you notice cows sleeping in a field, does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
How often do you like jokes about elements?
Why did the girl pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a real boar!
Farts I hold in! You might not get it. It's sort of an inside joke.
Lettuce come together. Romaine Calm. This may be just the tip of the iceberg.
Two guys got into a fight on the bus here yesterday and one of the guys threw a hatchet and hit the other guy in the head. The strange part is the victim refused to press charges so my guess is that he must have axed for it.
How did the crazy guy get through the jungle? He took a psycho path.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new years but no one likes a quitter, so here is my New Years resolution. 1080p!
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? So he could get a long little doggie.
I never really wanted to believe that my friend, a road worker, was stealing from his job but when I went to his house there they were. I should have known, all the signs were right there.
A Native American goes to see his psychiatrist about the dreams he is having. After describing that one is about teepees and the other is about wigwams the psychiatrist tells him he knows what the problem is and tells him "you must be two tents".
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies!
What did Qanon Shaman's mom say to him when he was on his way to jail? Bison.
Have you heard the latest rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
My brother mounted a dartboard on the ceiling of his man cave. This made me throw up.
Why can't a mountain get stronger?
Because it's fitness level has peaked.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the well? It turns out he couldn't see that well.
Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?
Because he was stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Why are stegosauruses, such good volleyball players?
Because they can really spike the ball.
So my buddy always looks at me when he farts. I think it's just inflatuation.
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Who can drink 5 gallons of gas without getting sick?
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work!
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger….then it hit me
A dog walks into a bar in the old west days and ends up in a fight. They go out in the street and in a shootout he gets his gun shot out of his hand. He comes back into the saloon the next day with his gun strapped on the other side and says .."I want to see the son of a bitch that shot my paw?"
Who is Irish and sits outside all day?
I just told my suitcase that we're not going on vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
What does a cow's fart smell like?
What does a clock do when it gets hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of Robitussin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!
My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter or sew it seams.
I thought about going on an all almond diet... But that's just nuts!
If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges... My door is always open.
I asked my wife if she was going to make a sword out of my fart in bed last night. Cuz she schmelt it!
He who farts In church, sits In his own pew.
There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it. They have names for each of the services: "Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers."
What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?
Two test tickles.
I refuse to take a nap... Is that resisting a rest?
Why do cows have hooves?
Where does Santa go after Christmas to relax?
A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve string in his bar and to get out. The rope goes outside messes up his hair, ties himself up, and walks back into the bar. The bartender sees him and says "aren't you the rope that was just in here"? The rope responds "not me, I'm a frayed not".
My friend keeps telling me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I guess I'm just going to have to put my foot down.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're really making headlines.
This guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" the bartender replies "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender what's the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump up and slap a piece of meat you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss you have to buy drinks for everyone in the bar. So the bartender asks him if he wants to go for it. The guy tells him, "I can't, the steaks are just too high."
Three moles had been burrowing underground when the first one says "did you smell something sweet, it smelled like candy?' The second one said he smelled something sweet but it was more like honey. The one at the back of the line told them "I smelled something but it didn't smell sweet, it smelled like mole asses!"