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Puns
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Joke: Two antennas got married yesterday. The wedding was just ok but the reception was really good.
Joke: I was startled by a loud fart. I was fartled.
Joke: I used to have a girlfriend who made her own booze. I knew the relationship wouldn’t last but I really miss her still.
Joke: Confucius say man who walks around with hands in pocket all day long feels cocky.
Joke: How do you make pickle bread?
Joke: A Native American goes to see a psychiatrist about some bad dreams he is having. The psychiatrist asks him to describe his nightmares and he said they are always about either wigwams or teepees. The doctor tells him he is obviously two tense.
Joke: I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Joke: I had to fire the guy who cut my lawn... He just didn't cut it!
Joke: Two ships, one carrying a cargo of red paint, the other carrying a cargo of purple paint, ran aground on a desert island. The sailors are now marooned.
Joke: I was watching TV, my son was in a chair behind me reading a book. He said "dad, what does gays mean?" I got nervous, I said, "well, you know how me and your mother loves each other, its the same thing but with two men." He said "oh, ok. What does penetrating gays mean." Looking confused I said read me the sentence. He read, "She stared at her husband with a penetrating gaze".....
Joke: Did you hear about the big hole at the intersection in town? Police are looking into it.
Joke: What do you call a pig with invisible legs?
Joke: Lenin's tomb is a communist plot.
Joke: What happens when you put a pig in a musical?
Joke: I just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee does not include a driver. Can't believe I spend all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!
Joke: What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Joke: I was going to get a brain transplant...then I changed my mind.
Joke: A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".
Joke: Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?
Joke: When chimney sweeps dress in the morning, are they "Sooting up?"
Joke: I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!
Joke: Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?
Joke: If you boil a funny bone, it's a laughing stock, that's humerous!
Joke: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
Joke: What did the cold book do?
Joke: Why is Z the best letter in the alphabet?
Joke: I shaved my head when I started going bald years ago, but I still carry a comb... I just can’t part with it.
Joke: Why did the pig have ink all over his face?
Joke: Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
Joke: Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Joke: This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in cellophane. The doctor looks at the guy and says "well I can obviously see your nuts."
Joke: A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police. He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has a lick-her (liquor) license.
Joke: PMS jokes aren't funny. Period!
Joke: Why were the Indians here first?
Joke: Did you hear about the weasel that walked into a bar in Minnesota? The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel!
Joke: How does a pig write a letter?
Joke: Why did the pig get hired at the restaurant?
Joke: Santa got stuck in a chimney a few years back? Now he gets Claustrophobia.
Joke: I never really believed in Santa, always was a rebel without a claus.
Joke: Class trip to Coca-Cola. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Joke: Great news everyone. Apparently that man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun... is now fully "recovered".
Joke: I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Joke: A Woman tried to cut off her lover's penis, missed and cut his thigh, charged with a misdaweiner.
Joke: I'm a grown up... I groan when I get up!
Joke: What do you get when you cross a chef and a meteorologist?
Joke: A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!!" The man said, "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
Joke: A lumberjack walks into the woods and goes to cut down a tree with his ax. The tree shout out "hey wait I'm a talking tree". The lumberjack responds "you may be a talking tree but you'll dialogue".
Joke: if Geico ever fired the gecko that would be a reptile disfunction.
Joke: I would never open a restaurant on the moon....no atmosphere.
Joke: A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Joke: Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like well damn.
Joke: I yelled into a colander while cooking... now my voice is strained.
Joke: What animal has more lives than a cat?
Joke: She said she missed me. Normally, that would be good... But she's reloading.
Joke: I was kicked out of my cooking class for stealing. I still think it was a whisk worth taking.
Joke: If you are ever attacked by a bunch of clowns just go right for the juggler.
Joke: A guy ends up in the emergency room from eating bad horse meat. The doctor told his family he's in stable condition.
Joke: When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Joke: Times New Roman and Helvetica walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type in here."
Joke: Can you tie a knot? "I cannot." "So can you tie a knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"
Joke: Why was the piano locked out of the house?
Joke: Why did the pig stop sunbathing?
Joke: Why did the hamburger go to the gym?
Joke: What did the sink say to the toilet?
Joke: I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it. So tonight I'm going to try a fig.
Joke: What is a police officer's favorite sweater?
Joke: I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.
Joke: Who can drink 5 gallons of gas without getting sick?
Joke: Lettuce come together. Romaine Calm. This may be just the tip of the iceberg.
Joke: How did the crazy guy get through the jungle? He took a psycho path.
Joke: A dog walks into a bar in the old west days and ends up in a fight. They go out in the street and in a shootout he gets his gun shot out of his hand. He comes back into the saloon the next day with his gun strapped on the other side and says .."I want to see the son of a bitch that shot my paw?"
Joke: Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
Joke: What did Qanon Shaman's mom say to him when he was on his way to jail? Bison.
Joke: If you notice cows sleeping in a field, does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
Joke: I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport... I do it for the kicks!
Joke: A train worker was struck by lightning... He was a great conductor!
Joke: I’ve started my new job at the toy warehouse. There are only two of us that work on a production line for Dracula figures. I have to make every second count.
Joke: Why are pigs bad drivers?
Joke: Why did the farmer bury his money?
Joke: How do you fix a broken tomato?
Joke: I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.
Joke: I respect giraffe’s... They’re an animal I can look up to.
Joke: Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Joke: They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.
Joke: Why don't ants get sick?
Joke: My kids were very upset when our bunnies escaped. They're too young to deal with hare loss.
Joke: When does a joke become a dad joke?
Joke: My brother mounted a dartboard on the ceiling of his man cave. This made me throw up.
Joke: Why can't a mountain get stronger?
Joke: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
Joke: Why did the girl pig break up with her boyfriend?
Joke: Who's the king of the pencil case?
Joke: If you advertise used grapes... Is that raisin awareness?
Joke: Cremation is your last chance for a smoking hot body!
Joke: I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work!
Joke: I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger….then it hit me
Joke: Two guys got into a fight on the bus here yesterday and one of the guys threw a hatchet and hit the other guy in the head. The strange part is the victim refused to press charges so my guess is that he must have axed for it.
Joke: I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new years but no one likes a quitter, so here is my New Years resolution. 1080p!
Joke: A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve string in his bar and to get out. The rope goes outside messes up his hair, ties himself up, and walks back into the bar. The bartender sees him and says "aren't you the rope that was just in here"? The rope responds "not me, I'm a frayed not".
Joke: I used to have a job cleaning mirrors but I couldn't see myself doing it for a living.