I was startled by a loud fart. I was fartled.
How do you make pickle bread?
Use dill dough.
Confucius say man who walks around with hands in pocket all day long feels cocky.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I had to fire the guy who cut my lawn... He just didn't cut it!
What do you call a pig with invisible legs?
Two ships, one carrying a cargo of red paint, the other carrying a cargo of purple paint, ran aground on a desert island. The sailors are now marooned.
I was going to get a brain transplant...then I changed my mind.
I used to have a girlfriend who made her own booze. I knew the relationship wouldn’t last but I really miss her still.
Did you hear about the big hole at the intersection in town? Police are looking into it.
I was watching TV, my son was in a chair behind me reading a book. He said "dad, what does gays mean?" I got nervous, I said, "well, you know how me and your mother loves each other, its the same thing but with two men." He said "oh, ok. What does penetrating gays mean." Looking confused I said read me the sentence. He read, "She stared at her husband with a penetrating gaze".....
A Native American goes to see a psychiatrist about some bad dreams he is having. The psychiatrist asks him to describe his nightmares and he said they are always about either wigwams or teepees. The doctor tells him he is obviously two tense.
Lenin's tomb is a communist plot.
I just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee does not include a driver. Can't believe I spend all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!
What happens when you put a pig in a musical?
It squeals the show!
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?
Their specialty is steamed mussels.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
When chimney sweeps dress in the morning, are they "Sooting up?"
If you boil a funny bone, it's a laughing stock, that's humerous!
A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".
I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Class trip to Coca-Cola. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Why did the pig have ink all over his face?
Because it came out of the pen.
Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?
She is going to have her baby in the spring!
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in cellophane. The doctor looks at the guy and says "well I can obviously see your nuts."
Santa got stuck in a chimney a few years back? Now he gets Claustrophobia.
I never really believed in Santa, always was a rebel without a claus.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period!
A Woman tried to cut off her lover's penis, missed and cut his thigh, charged with a misdaweiner.
I shaved my head when I started going bald years ago, but I still carry a comb... I just can’t part with it.
Why did the pig get hired at the restaurant?
He was real good at bacon.
A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police. He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has a lick-her (liquor) license.
Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
Great news everyone. Apparently that man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun... is now fully "recovered".
I'm a grown up... I groan when I get up!
I yelled into a colander while cooking... now my voice is strained.
How does a pig write a letter?
With a pig pen!
Why did the hamburger go to the gym?
To get better buns!
What did the cold book do?
It put on a jacket!
A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!!" The man said, "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
I was kicked out of my cooking class for stealing. I still think it was a whisk worth taking.
A lumberjack walks into the woods and goes to cut down a tree with his ax. The tree shout out "hey wait I'm a talking tree". The lumberjack responds "you may be a talking tree but you'll dialogue".
if Geico ever fired the gecko that would be a reptile disfunction.
I would never open a restaurant on the moon....no atmosphere.
A guy ends up in the emergency room from eating bad horse meat. The doctor told his family he's in stable condition.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut House.
Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like well damn.
Did you hear about the weasel that walked into a bar in Minnesota? The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel!
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog, he croaks every night!
If you are ever attacked by a bunch of clowns just go right for the juggler.
Can you tie a knot? "I cannot." "So can you tie a knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"
Why was the piano locked out of the house?
He did not have the right key!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why did the pig stop sunbathing?
He was bacon in the sun!
What did the sink say to the toilet?
You look flushed!
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.
Lettuce come together. Romaine Calm. This may be just the tip of the iceberg.
How did the crazy guy get through the jungle? He took a psycho path.
Times New Roman and Helvetica walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type in here."
My kids were very upset when our bunnies escaped. They're too young to deal with hare loss.
If you notice cows sleeping in a field, does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport... I do it for the kicks!
A train worker was struck by lightning... He was a great conductor!
I’ve started my new job at the toy warehouse. There are only two of us that work on a production line for Dracula figures. I have to make every second count.
Why are pigs bad drivers?
They are all road hogs!
Who's the king of the pencil case?
What does the painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat!
If you advertise used grapes... Is that raisin awareness?
I never really wanted to believe that my friend, a road worker, was stealing from his job but when I went to his house there they were. I should have known, all the signs were right there.
A Native American goes to see his psychiatrist about the dreams he is having. After describing that one is about teepees and the other is about wigwams the psychiatrist tells him he knows what the problem is and tells him "you must be two tents".
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies!
What did Qanon Shaman's mom say to him when he was on his way to jail? Bison.
My brother mounted a dartboard on the ceiling of his man cave. This made me throw up.
How often do you like jokes about elements?
Why can't a mountain get stronger?
Because it's fitness level has peaked.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the well? It turns out he couldn't see that well.
Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?
Because he was stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Why are stegosauruses, such good volleyball players?
Because they can really spike the ball.
Why did the girl pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a real boar!
Why did the farmer bury his money?
To make his soil rich!
So my buddy always looks at me when he farts. I think it's just inflatuation.
Farts I hold in! You might not get it. It's sort of an inside joke.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Who can drink 5 gallons of gas without getting sick?
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work!
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger….then it hit me
Two guys got into a fight on the bus here yesterday and one of the guys threw a hatchet and hit the other guy in the head. The strange part is the victim refused to press charges so my guess is that he must have axed for it.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new years but no one likes a quitter, so here is my New Years resolution. 1080p!
A dog walks into a bar in the old west days and ends up in a fight. They go out in the street and in a shootout he gets his gun shot out of his hand. He comes back into the saloon the next day with his gun strapped on the other side and says .."I want to see the son of a bitch that shot my paw?"
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? So he could get a long little doggie.
Who is Irish and sits outside all day?
I just told my suitcase that we're not going on vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.