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Puns

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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

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Two ships, one carrying a cargo of red paint, the other carrying a cargo of purple paint, ran aground on a desert island. The sailors are now marooned.

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How do you make pickle bread?

Use dill dough.

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Lenin's tomb is a communist plot.

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What does a cow's fart smell like?

Dairy-air.

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I used to have a girlfriend who made her own booze. I knew the relationship wouldn’t last but I really miss her still.

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Confucius say man who walks around with hands in pocket all day long feels cocky.

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Why were the Indians here first?

They had reservations.

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Class trip to Coca-Cola. I hope there's no pop quiz.

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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A Thesaurus.

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This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in cellophane. The doctor looks at the guy and says "well I can obviously see your nuts."

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A Native American goes to see a psychiatrist about some bad dreams he is having. The psychiatrist asks him to describe his nightmares and he said they are always about either wigwams or teepees. The doctor tells him he is obviously two tense.

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A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".

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I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

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PMS jokes aren't funny. Period!

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So my buddy always looks at me when he farts. I think it's just inflatuation.

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I was kicked out of my cooking class for stealing. I still think it was a whisk worth taking.

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If you are ever attacked by a bunch of clowns just go right for the juggler.

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I would never open a restaurant on the moon....no atmosphere.

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A guy ends up in the emergency room from eating bad horse meat. The doctor told his family he's in stable condition.

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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A Woman tried to cut off her lover's penis, missed and cut his thigh, charged with a misdaweiner.

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If you boil a funny bone, it's a laughing stock, that's humerous!

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A lumberjack walks into the woods and goes to cut down a tree with his ax. The tree shout out "hey wait I'm a talking tree". The lumberjack responds "you may be a talking tree but you'll dialogue".

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A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police. He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has a lick-her (liquor) license.

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I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new years but no one likes a quitter, so here is my New Years resolution. 1080p!

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if Geico ever fired the gecko that would be a reptile disfunction.

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What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor?

Looking for an internship.

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They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

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When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

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Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts cost $2.25... These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

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Lettuce come together. Romaine Calm. This may be just the tip of the iceberg.

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Why do cows have hooves?

They lactose.

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I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger….then it hit me

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What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall? DAM!

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Two guys got into a fight on the bus here yesterday and one of the guys threw a hatchet and hit the other guy in the head. The strange part is the victim refused to press charges so my guess is that he must have axed for it.

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How did the crazy guy get through the jungle? He took a psycho path.

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This guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" the bartender replies "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

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Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? So he could get a long little doggie.

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I just told my suitcase that we're not going on vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

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What does a clock do when it gets hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

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Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?

Their specialty is steamed mussels.

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He who farts In church, sits In his own pew.

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I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work!

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A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve string in his bar and to get out. The rope goes outside messes up his hair, ties himself up, and walks back into the bar. The bartender sees him and says "aren't you the rope that was just in here"? The rope responds "not me, I'm a frayed not".

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A dog walks into a bar in the old west days and ends up in a fight. They go out in the street and in a shootout he gets his gun shot out of his hand. He comes back into the saloon the next day with his gun strapped on the other side and says .."I want to see the son of a bitch that shot my paw?"

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A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender what's the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump up and slap a piece of meat you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss you have to buy drinks for everyone in the bar. So the bartender asks him if he wants to go for it. The guy tells him, "I can't, the steaks are just too high."

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A Native American goes to see his psychiatrist about the dreams he is having. After describing that one is about teepees and the other is about wigwams the psychiatrist tells him he knows what the problem is and tells him "you must be two tents".

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One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of Robitussin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!

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I asked my wife if she was going to make a sword out of my fart in bed last night. Cuz she schmelt it!

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Farts I hold in! You might not get it. It's sort of an inside joke.

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There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it. They have names for each of the services: "Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers."

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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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My friend keeps telling me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I guess I'm just going to have to put my foot down.

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A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

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Three moles had been burrowing underground when the first one says "did you smell something sweet, it smelled like candy?' The second one said he smelled something sweet but it was more like honey. The one at the back of the line told them "I smelled something but it didn't smell sweet, it smelled like mole asses!"

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I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

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Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

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The first five florist I called knew nothing about carpet or tile. And suddenly I'm the idiot.

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Who can drink 5 gallons of gas without getting sick?

Jerry Can.

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I refuse to take a nap... Is that resisting a rest?

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A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The bear says "I'll have a rum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear answers, " What can I say, I was born with 'em."

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Hollywood has been making a movie about constipation for years but they aren't sure if it will ever come out.

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A woman is on trial for beating her husband with his guitars. The judge asks her, "first offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender."

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My friend is changing his bands name to 999 Megabytes because they never got a gig.

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Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're really making headlines.

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Who is Irish and sits outside all day?

Patty O'Furniture.

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I never really wanted to believe that my friend, a road worker, was stealing from his job but when I went to his house there they were. I should have known, all the signs were right there.

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6:30 is hands down the best time on any clock.

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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

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I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.

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I'm a fartartist. The fart is silent

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What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?

Two test tickles.

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Huge fight at seafood restaurant. Battered fish everywhere!

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This girl said she recognized me from some vegan restaurant but I knew I'd never met herbivore.

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Two antennas got married yesterday. The wedding was just ok but the reception was really good.

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A horse got hurt but he is doing fine and in fact, he is back in stable condition.

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I never really thought communism would work. Way to many red flags.

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Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

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How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

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A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

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The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one kid and let the other one off...

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Two guys got caught stealing a calendar...they both got six months.

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Stop shredded cheese, make America grate again!

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I used to have a job cleaning mirrors but I couldn't see myself doing it for a living.

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When chemists die, they barium.

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I was time traveling yesterday but I got hungry, so I went back four seconds.

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I was going to get a brain transplant...then I changed my mind.

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I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

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I had a happy childhood; Dad would roll me down the hill in a tire. Those were Goodyears.

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The reason you can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom is because the pee is silent.

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The local pet store is having a free giveaway on birds today...no perches necessary.

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A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!!" The man said, "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."

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How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

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A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

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Broken pencils are pointless.

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Lance is a common name these days, but in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.

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I was startled by a loud fart. I was fartled.

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Why did the pencil cross the road?

It was lead!

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