Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?” Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"
During a trip from California to New York, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Houston was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were airborn, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."