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Holiday Jokes

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Be sure to bring up politics during family Thanksgiving to save on Christmas gifts.

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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin π.

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Oh no! Clocks go back on November 1st. and I can't remember where I bought mine from!

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Doctor says I have the Christmas flu. He called it tinselitis.

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If April showers bring May flowers what do may flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

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Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if someone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back.

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A man's car broke down in the middle of the Nullarbor plain (in other words : middle of nowhere). There was not another car in sight, so he started walking... Three hours later no cars had passed and he was getting very, very thirsty. Just then a man riding a kangaroo bounced up. "Want to buy a tie?" he asked. "No! Water - quick, help, water." "Sorry, I've only got ties." and the man and roo bounded off. Hours later, the stranded man was still staggering along - desperate now for a drink. Another man (and another kangaroo) bounded up to him. "Water, help I need water." gasped the stranded man. "Oh, wouldn't you like to buy a tie?" said the mounted man. "No! Water - quick, help water!" "Sorry mate, I can do you with a nice polka dot or a paisley or even a hand painted lady - but can't help with water." and off he went. The man was crawling now, inch by inch he clambered over the baked desert soil. Then he noticed a shimmering in the distance. It looked like a big building. He crawled slowly towards it even though he was sure it was a mirage. But the building became more and more solid looking. Could it be? Yes, it was a giant R.S.L. club there in the middle of nowhere. The man spent his last effort and crawled desperately to the door where he gasped to the doorman, "Let me in, I need water!" Sorry mate," said the doorman, "I can't let you in without a tie."

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If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

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The wicked witch from the south watches the watch that’s turning anti-clockwise, so now everyone knows now which witch watches what watch.

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One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of Robitussin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!

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A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

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My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally, I do a turkey but hey, if it will make them happy...

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One Halloween, a boy dressed up as a cowboy. He went to a house, and an elderly lady opened the door. She said, "What might you be?" and the kid in front of the boy said, "I'm an Indian! All day, I hunt buffalo and make teepees and wigwams!" and the lady gave him some candy. Then the boy was up in line. The elderly lady said, "What might you be?" and he replied, "I'm a cowboy! All-day, I round up cattle and take them to corrals!" The lady gave him some candy. So he went to the next house, and a scorching hot teenage girl opened the door. She said, "What might you be?" and the girl in front of the boy said, "I'm a lesbian. All-day I think of women, all afternoon I think of women, and all night I think of women." The teenage girl gave her some candy, and next the boy was up. The teenage girl said, "What might you be?" The boy looked her up and down, and said, "Well, I thought I was a cowboy!"

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. Problem was, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary, but to no avail. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd killed the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued. "May I ask what the turkey did?"

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Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

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