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Religious Jokes

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There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!" In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

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A man went camping in the woods by himself. He awoke early in the morning to hear a strange growling sound. He looked out to see a bear. He immediately began to run as fast as he could. The bear was gaining on him and he finally gave up hope, fell on his knees and said "Oh God, please let this be a Christian bear! "He turned to see the bear on his knees saying "Lord bless this food I am about to recieve..."

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A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch. "Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?" "That's right son, why?" "Well that's just what they said at church today." "Run up stairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes." About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down. "I'll be there in a minute." As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die. Once again mother said yes son. The little boy looked at her and said, "Then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because something under my bed is either coming or going!"

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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session."I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

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A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says I think I might be a type O!

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What do you call a non-churchgoer?

A Seventh-Day Absentist.

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One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?" "Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.

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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

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Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the Shul for morning services. "I thought we had agreed there was no God", he said. "Yes, what does that have to do with it?" replied the other.

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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air; then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

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What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist?

Someone who is at two with the universe.

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A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?" The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?" The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

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"Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?" "Because," a voice boomed from the heavens, "the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"

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A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

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The children in the Sunday school class were asked by their teacher to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. When she looked at little Ricky's picture, she was puzzled to see that he had drawn four people in an airplane, so she asked him which story it represented. Little Ricky replied, "That's the Flight to Egypt." "Oh, I see," said the teacher. "That must be Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, but who's the fourth person?" "That's Pontius ... the Pilot!" answered Ricky.

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Three guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven. At the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral. The first man says, "I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer." The second man says, "I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives." The third man says, "I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"

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"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!". "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"

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Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son. The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room people call him 'Father." The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace." The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My son is a Cardinal! When he walks into a room people say, 'My Eminence." The fourth woman says nothing but sips her tea quietly. The three women stare at her and then ask her what is so special about her son. With a smug look on her face she replies, "My son is a 6' 5" muscular man, with a chiseled jaw and arms as big as pipes. And when he walks into a room all the woman say, 'Oh My God."

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A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

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The Pope lands in New York and the limo driver tells him that they are running early if he would like to do anything before he needs to be dropped off. The Pope says he has never driven a limo and asked if he could take drive the limo. He ends up getting pulled over on the freeway so the cop who pulls him over radios back to the station and asks for the Sargent. He tells him I can't give this guy a ticket?" The Sargent gets mad and tells the officer that he doesn't care who he is just give him the ticket! "I seriously CAN NOT give him a ticket as he is WAY TOO IMPORTANT!" "So who is this guy anyway?" the Sargent asks and the cop answers "I have no idea sir but he is SO IMPORTANT THAT THE POPE IS DRIVING HIM!

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How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

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A priest wanted to go to the post office, so he asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office. The priest said to the boy, "Thank you. Come to the church tomorrow and I will show you the way to Heaven." The boy turned and said, "But you don't even know the way to the post office."

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What Happens when you fart in church?

You sit in your own pew.

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What does the Rabbi love even more than his shekels?

Foreskins.

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