KID JOKES

What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

Why do melons have weddings?

Why wouldn't they let the butterfly in to the dance?

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

What kind of shoes does a frog wear?

What did the big flower say to the little flower?

Where do cows go on Friday nights?

What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile?

What did the cold book do?

What's worse than a worm in an apple?

Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?

When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "The other Librarian could write."

What building in your town has the most stories?

What do you call a bunny rabbit with a lot of money?

My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Why did the hamburger go to the gym?

Which side of the sheep has the most wool?⁣

What did the sink say to the toilet?

Why do bananas wear sunscreen?

What animal has more lives than a cat?

What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

What do you call Chewbacca when he gets chocolate in his fur?

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while… Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet." Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Billy says: "works for ketchup."

What do dinosaurs use on the floors of their kitchens?

Why is milk the fastest liquid on earth?

What kind of cars do elves drive?

Where do mermaids look for jobs?

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

What did the alien in the garden say?

Who's the king of the pencil case?

Why are dogs like cell phones?

What does the painter do when he gets cold?

What is a livestock's favorite math tool?

How do you fix a damaged Jack-O-Lantern?

Why are all mummies workaholics?

How do monsters like there eggs cooked?

Where do ghost's go on vacation?

Why are graveyards so noisy?

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

What does a ghost call his mom and dad?

Five year old Alan tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot. "Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?" Alan was adamant that his brother's name was Spot. The next morning, he made a correction and told his teacher, "Actually, it's Mark."

Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Why did the farmer bury his money?

How do you make an octopus laugh?

When does a cookie go to see a doctor?

How do you fix a broken tomato?

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

How many feet are in a yard?

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Why is Dracula so easy to trick on Halloween?

What is a mummy’s favorite type of music?

What's a ghosts favorite dessert?

What did the skeleton say to the dog?

What did the ghost say to his wife?

Why don't mummies take time off?

What's on the lunch menu at Monster School?

Why did the illiterate witch get kicked out of the coven?

What do skeletons travel around in?

Why are skeletons so calm?

Why are ghosts terrible liars?

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps. "Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still, no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home?!" The kid replied, "She is, but this isn't where I live."

Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?

What's a cat's favourite nursery rhyme?

What do you call a train with bubble-gum?

How much does a skeleton weigh?

What do you get if you cross a ghost with a sailor?

Why are ghosts bad liars?

What did the Jack-O-Lantern say to the pumpkin?

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too, especially chicken, pork, and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Why are frogs so happy?

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?" "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Lego store reopens after lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?

Why did the headless horseman start his own business?

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." the boy replied.

Where do you take someone when they've been in a peek-a-boo accident?

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

What do you give a sick lemon?

How do you get a mouse to smile?

What is the safest room in a haunted house?

What do you get from a pampered cow?

What's a ghosts favorite food?

What do demons eat for breakfast?

What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?

Girl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!"

What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?

What type of music are balloons afraid of?

What do clouds wear?

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

What do you call an old apple?