I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile?
"Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"
The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "The other Librarian could write."
The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while… Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet." Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Billy says: "works for ketchup."
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!
Five year old Alan tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot. "Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?" Alan was adamant that his brother's name was Spot. The next morning, he made a correction and told his teacher, "Actually, it's Mark."
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
Because he had a bad summer.
What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?
Two test tickles.
Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?
Because he was stuffed!
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps. "Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still, no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home?!" The kid replied, "She is, but this isn't where I live."
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." the boy replied.
Where do you take someone when they've been in a peek-a-boo accident?
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling well.
Girl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!"
Mummy, mummy. There's a man at the door with a bill.
Don't be silly dear, it's probably just a duck with a hat on.
In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching." Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies... One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
You are in a car travelling at a constant speed. On your left is a valley, and on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car, and you can't overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter, flying at ground level; both are travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round!
My mum told me that picking my nose was disgusting, and from now on, I had to pick it myself.
How far can you run in the woods?
Halfway. If you go in any further, you’d be running out of the woods.
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
4. Stay away from prunes.
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
15. Never try to baptize a cat.