The Philosopher Plato once said... "I am the wisest man alive for I know one thing... and that one thing is that I know nothing." How did he know that? His wife told him.
Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother. Wife: Why does it say "Do not resuscitate"?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?'" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Would that be one word or two?"
Why couldn't the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married.
A note from my wife. "Hey Sweetie, I'm at work. Dinner is on the stove, you only have to light it, the gas is already turned on. Love you XOXO!
A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday... At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the bartender says, "The usual, Jim?" Jim says to his wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team." Next, a stripper says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?" The wife storms out dragon Jim with her and jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver says, "Hey Jimmy Boy, you picked up an ugly one this time!..." Jim's funeral is Sunday!
A married man's honest confession... "I always read my wife's horoscope to see what kind of day I was going to have."
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
In the US, a book titled: "How to change your wife in 30 days", sold 50 million copies in one week, before the author discovered that the title had a spelling error! The correct title was: "How to change your life in 30 days". After the correction, for a whole month, one 2 copies were sold.
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?" "I would have gotten out today."
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
My wife and I were really happy for 22 years... Then we started dating.
Mike is mowing his lawn when 2 hearses come down his street going very very slowly. The hearses are followed by a man walking a dog. And behind the man and the dog is a line of men walking single-file. There must have been 5 or 6 dozen men following. Curious about the procession Mike runs to catch up with Mark and his dog. Mike asks Mark who's in the first hearse. Mark replies, "My wife. My dog bit her. And she died in the hospital a short time later." Mike says, "I'm so very sorry for your loss. Mind if I ask who's in the second hearse?" Mark says, "Not at all, it's my mother in law. My dog also bit her and she died later in the hospital." Mike replies, "Can I borrow your dog?" Mark, "Get in line."
Tommy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, "Helen, I have one last request." "Of course, Tommy, what is it?" Helen asked softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Louis." "But I thought you hated Louis," said Helen. With his final breath, Tommy said, "I do."
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't listening were you?" I thought, "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."
A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This situation persisted to boiling point. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey, mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you - father of four!"
I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation."Well," she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, "I believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in our children, in everything! I believe all things in life turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly.""Damn, baby," I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and sounds from the woman next to me. "I'm going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the combination of prozac, lithium and paxil."
My wife had her driving test today. She got eight out of ten. The other two jumped out of the way!
You might be a redneck if... You are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling.
A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!" Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the hell..., I'll treat her!" So, they walked past it again.
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes...it Taurus apart.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Guys I need your help... I'm in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me that I'm right. What the hell do I do next?!
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Wife, "My aerobics instructor says I've got the chest of a 23 year old!" Husband, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?" Wife, "We never mentioned you!"
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like me coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan. Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then. Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him? Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow"
Three men go golfing together one day. When they get to the Third hole, one said to the other, "How did you manage to get your wife to allow you to play today? "The second man said, "It wasn't easy. I had to promise my wife that I would paint the outside of the house. How did you do it?" "Well," the second man replied, "I promised my wife that I would remodel the Kitchen and Bathroom. "Then, a few holes latter, the first two asked the thrid man how he got here today. "Easy," said the third man. "I put my alarm on last night for five thirty this morning, and when the alarm went off, I rolled over, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, 'Golf course or Intercourse.' and she replied back, "You better take a sweater, I think its going to be cold".
One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap. Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes. Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says, Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for. Ok, fine. So, the frog asks, what's your first wish? I want to be the most beautiful women in the world. Fine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous. You are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you. Thats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me. What's your second wish? asked the frog. I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer. That's ok she says. What's his is mine, what's mine is his. "OK", says the frog. What is your last wish? I want a mild heart attack.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it. The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are over reactors. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great. A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.
"Mr. Smith, I reviewed your divorce cases very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And, I have decided to give your wife $7500 a month." "That's very fair your honor." the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain... God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me... God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
When your wife is mowing the lawn, that's probably not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.
A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are?" The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... So, she hugged me.
I spent twenty minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I've decided to give up! I wished I had never put it on now.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "My penis" and the wife falls to the ground laughing, because on-screen it says, "Error, not long enough."
A man call his wife, "I got hit by a car outside the office. Tina brought me to the Hospital. They have been doing tests and taking x-rays. The blow to my head, though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, compound fracture in my left leg and, they may have to amputate my right leg." Wife's response, "Who's Tina?!?!"
What does your wife and a hand grenade have in common?
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
Husband, "Honey I broke a glass in the kitchen." Wife, "I'm coming with the broom." Husband, "It isn't urgent, you can come on foot."
Warning! Coffee can make you aggressive. Yesterday I had 15 beers at the bar, and my wife had 3 cups of coffee at home. When I got home she was extremely pissed off.
Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed down everything and cleaned thoroughly. Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
What is the #1 cause of divorce?
I asked my wife why she married me. She said, "Because you are funny." I said, "I thought it was because I was good in bed." She said, "See? You are hilarious!"
How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My wife keeps trying to come in the house.
An 80-year-old lady was arrested for shoplifting. Judge: "What did you steal?" She replies, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her how many peaches were in a can? She replied, "Six." Judge: "Ok, I'll give you six days in jail." Before the judge could pronounce the punishment, the husband spoke up and said, "What about ht can of peas!"
A wise man once told his wife nothing, because he was a wise man.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." Now God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."
What are the three stages of sex in marriage?
Tri-weekly, Try-weekly, Try-weakly.
A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, "How to Master Your Wife." The salesgirl said, "Our science fiction section is upstairs."
This was a terrible day. First my ex-wife got hit by a bus. Then, I lost my job as a bus driver.
My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her to dinner and a movie and then dropped her off at her parents' house.
Two antennas got married yesterday. The wedding was just ok but the reception was really good.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake!
Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
Wife, "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Husband, "Excellent idea!" Wife, "Ok, you stand at the sink and wash the dishes and I'll be on the couch and watching tv."
A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor is still wet."
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on the neighborhood activities. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." He Shouted. He began his commentary as his parent put their a plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Smiths have company." He called out. "Noah's riding his new bike!" "Looks like the Stewarts are moving!" After a few moments... "Looks like the Robinson's are having sex!" Startled, his mom and dad sat up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Robinson is on his balcony with a popsicle."
The devil shows up in a church and everyone runs out but an old man. The devil says, "Why don't you run, aren't you afraid of me?" The old man replies, "Nope, I'm married to your sister!"
What the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife?
The man buying the lottery ticket actually has a chance to win.
I switched all the label on my wife spice rack... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."
Nine out of Ten husbands agreed that their wives are always right... The 10th husband hasn't been seen since the study was conducted.
Police, "Why didn't you report your credit card stolen?" Man, "The thief was spending less than my wife."
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!" And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played a lot of golf, and drank beer and whiskey, and had loads of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted. The End.
My wife said I ruined her birthday! That's ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her Birthday?