Food Jokes
I woke up to drink some water in the middle of the night and I accidentally ate a whole pizza and cheesecake.
A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".
I am forever disappointed the Chef Boddy Flay didn't name his daughter Sue.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!
I was kicked out of my cooking class for stealing. I still think it was a whisk worth taking.
A guy ends up in the emergency room from eating bad horse meat. The doctor told his family he's in stable condition.
I was born a boy, but according to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, I am a family of four.
All this time I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. It turns out it was the refrigerator!
Tried cooking with wine last night, after 5 glasses,... I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
Shot my first turkey today. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it... It's Spam!
What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?
A farte.
I'll tell you why I can't lose weight... I've got metal fillings in my teeth and the refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen.
Have you heard the latest rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?
Because he was stuffed!
If you had to choose between eating tacos everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life - would you choose hard or soft tacos?
Someone asked me what to do with leftover bacon. I've never heard of that kind of bacon.
I just burnt this Hawaiian pizza. Guess I should have used aloha temperature.
Two nuns have just arrived in the US and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs" "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic behavior. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to become their victims.
Ladies, if he is... is hot, always smells good, makes your mouth water, tastes amazing, leaves you feeling happier than ever... That's not your man. That's a taco!
A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza, I ate pizza.
Does your family say a prayer before you eat food? Nope, we're Italian, my mom knows how to cook.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling well.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. The little bell rang but it was still a potato.
This girl said she recognized me from some vegan restaurant but I knew I'd never met herbivore.
What did the upset toast say about my compliments?
Don't butter me up.
In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching." Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies... One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
A neighbor suggested I put manure on my strawberries. Tasted horrible! I'm sticking with whipped cream!
A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
My wife bought a Christmas cake last week and now we can't find it. I think it was stollen.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
Meat Patty.
