I ate a donut without sprinkles... Diets are so hard!
I was kicked out of my cooking class for stealing. I still think it was a whisk worth taking.
A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".
What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?
I'll tell you why I can't lose weight... I've got metal fillings in my teeth and the refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen.
If you had to choose between eating tacos everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life - would you choose hard or soft tacos?
A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Two nuns have just arrived in the US and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs" "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
This girl said she recognized me from some vegan restaurant but I knew I'd never met herbivore.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
A neighbor suggested I put manure on my strawberries. Tasted horrible! I'm sticking with whipped cream!
I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?