Whenever I try and eat healthy a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers!
How do you make pickle bread?
Use dill dough.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A chocolate baaaaaa.
I'm on the tequila diet. So far I've lost 2 days.
I woke up to drink some water in the middle of the night and I accidentally ate a whole pizza and cheesecake.
A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".
I am forever disappointed the Chef Boddy Flay didn't name his daughter Sue.
Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
To make ends meat.
Seven days without a taco makes Juan weak!
I have a joke about pizza... It's a little cheesy!
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
Why did the pig get hired at the restaurant?
He was real good at bacon.
What's worse than a worm in an apple?
Half a worm!
I ate a donut without sprinkles... Diets are so hard!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
All this time I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. It turns out it was the refrigerator!
I yelled into a colander while cooking... now my voice is strained.
When Gathering Berries... You have to be picky!
What do you call an avocado in church?
What does garlic do when it gets hot?
It takes its cloves off.
Why did the hamburger go to the gym?
To get better buns!
I was kicked out of my cooking class for stealing. I still think it was a whisk worth taking.
A guy ends up in the emergency room from eating bad horse meat. The doctor told his family he's in stable condition.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet... I get hungry.
Tried cooking with wine last night, after 5 glasses,... I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it... It's Spam!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
I’m sweet on you.
What kind of cheese can never be yours?
My neighbor told me he is a vegetarian... I told him I thought that was a big missed steak.
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
Why did the pig stop sunbathing?
He was bacon in the sun!
Ladies, if he is... is hot, always smells good, makes your mouth water, tastes amazing, leaves you feeling happier than ever... That's not your man. That's a taco!
Today I bought a donut without sprinkles... Diets are hard!
Shot my first turkey today. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
He'll dessert you.
I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" scams.
Why is milk the fastest liquid on earth?
It get "Past-Your-Eyes" before you ever see it.
If you advertise used grapes... Is that raisin awareness?
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
What do polar bears like to eat?
I'll tell you why I can't lose weight... I've got metal fillings in my teeth and the refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen.
I was born a boy, but according to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, I am a family of four.
Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?
Because he was stuffed!
What's the best way to cook an alligator?
In a CrockPot.
What do you call a pig thief?
How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?
By icing it.
What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?
If you had to choose between eating tacos everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life - would you choose hard or soft tacos?
Someone asked me what to do with leftover bacon. I've never heard of that kind of bacon.
I just burnt this Hawaiian pizza. Guess I should have used aloha temperature.
Have you heard the latest rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
When does a cookie go to see a doctor?
When it is feeling crummy!
How do you fix a broken tomato?
With tomato paste!
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Two nuns have just arrived in the US and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs" "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Does your family say a prayer before you eat food? Nope, we're Italian, my mom knows how to cook.
A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic behavior. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to become their victims.
I never called you stupid, but when I asked you to spell "orange", and you asked me the fruit or the color it kinda caught me off guard.
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too, especially chicken, pork, and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
It's gardening season. 6 weeks ago I planted my arse on the sofa. It's grown considerably
What is a monster's favorite dessert?
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza, I ate pizza.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling well.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. The little bell rang but it was still a potato.
If two vegans get into an argument... is it still considered a beef?
What do you call a fake noodle?
This girl said she recognized me from some vegan restaurant but I knew I'd never met herbivore.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
What is the hardest tea to swallow!
What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?
What's a nacho's favorite dance?
Why did the baker open a tortilla factory?
For the extra dough!
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll!
What do robots have with their guacamole?
What do you call an old apple?
What did the upset toast say about my compliments?
Don't butter me up.
What did the Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?
What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?
What are twins favorite fruit?
What do you call two pigs playing tug of war?
Why did the student eat his homework?
The teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
What day of the week does a potato hate the most?
A neighbor suggested I put manure on my strawberries. Tasted horrible! I'm sticking with whipped cream!
In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching." Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies... One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
To me, essential oils are what drips out of a taco.
My wife bought a Christmas cake last week and now we can't find it. I think it was stollen.
A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?