What do you get if you cross Star Wars and a Pirate?
What does the Rabbi love even more than his shekels?
A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."
Why are hairdressers always on time?
Because they know all the short cuts!
Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What happens after NASA farts?
An Epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist walk into a bar...
Just kidding, they know better.
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.
I finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish his last movement.
A man at the gas station asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.
An elderly couple are at the cinema. About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
My wife says her farts smell like flowers...
I tried to catch some fog... I mist!
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far to many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took out phone book!"
A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Mikey to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... "Mikey did you see the sky?" "Yes", said Mikey. "Did you see the sun?" "Yes", said the boy. "Did you see God?" "No", said the boy. The Teacher said, "So God really isn't there." A little girl started to ask Mikey some questions. "Did you see the sky?" "Yes" was the reply "Did you see the sun?" Again, "yes" was the answer. "Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked... She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.
They lied, everyone else had clothes on.
When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish.
What kind of Doctor is Dr Pepper?
Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.
If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!
My thesis on Orbital Flatulence took seven years of hard work. Well, that's what I tell everyone. I was really just farting around.
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.
What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
I'd tell you a fart joke... But I've run out of gas.
If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.
What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?
None of them, because you can't get a banana from a coconut tree.
My wife said I ruined her birthday! That's ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her Birthday?