Why is the dog man's best friend?
So he has to have someone to blame the farts on.
Yo mama's so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said "concentrate."
Two guys got caught stealing a calendar...they both got six months.
A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging. He asks, "So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?" The robber replies, "Yes your honor." The judge, even more perplexed asks, "And why was that?" "Because my wife wanted a dress," says the robber. The judge checks with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!" "Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice."
When I go to someone else's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's
What happens after NASA farts?
A woman in Wisconsin texted her husband early one morning, "Windows Frozen". Husband texted back, "Gently pour lukewarm water on windows". Later wife texted back, "Computer REALLY messed up now".
An Epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist walk into a bar...
Just kidding, they know better.
Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far to many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took out phone book!"
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish his last movement.
Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
A man at the gas station asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.
Why was Roger's math book sad?
It had too many problems!
A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big-screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in. It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. "I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks. "I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again. When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch. "I see you and Jesus sees you. "The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean-looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch. "Sic him, Jesus!", said the parrot.
Never hold in your farts. They travel up your spine into your brain... and that's where crappy ideas come from.
What does the US military and a fart have in common?
An elderly couple are at the cinema. About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
I finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
Yo mamma so dumb... She tripped over a cordless phone.
A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!" The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?" Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who farted?"
Why are hairdressers always on time?
Because they know all the short cuts!
A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Mikey to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... "Mikey did you see the sky?" "Yes", said Mikey. "Did you see the sun?" "Yes", said the boy. "Did you see God?" "No", said the boy. The Teacher said, "So God really isn't there." A little girl started to ask Mikey some questions. "Did you see the sky?" "Yes" was the reply "Did you see the sun?" Again, "yes" was the answer. "Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked... She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
What kind of Doctor is Dr Pepper?
What do you call a computer hero?
A screen saver!
They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.
They lied, everyone else had clothes on.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove it wasn't chicken!
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.
My wife says her farts smell like flowers...
When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish.
I tried to catch some fog... I mist!
Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
I'd tell you a fart joke... But I've run out of gas.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?
None of them, because you can't get a banana from a coconut tree.
What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
My wife said I ruined her birthday! That's ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her Birthday?
If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.
What degree did the butt get?
A Master of Fine Farts.