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President Camacho: Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.

South Carolina Representative # 1: That's what you said last time, dipshit!

South Carolina Representative # 2: Yeah, I got a solution, you're a dick! South Carolina, what's up!

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Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. Chill out. - President Camacho

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President Camacho: Now I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now. But I've got a 3 point plan that's going to fix everything.

Congressman #1: Break it down, Camacho!

President Camacho: Number 1: We've got this guy Not Sure. Number 2: He's got a higher IQ than any man alive. and Number 3: He's going to fix everything.

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Chill, Scro, you do a kick-ass job and you get a full pardon. - President Camacho

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So you're smart, huh? I thought your head would be bigger. - President Camacho

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For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes. - Frito

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I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

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A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

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Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous."Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.""Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him.""I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him."Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

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What movie is really the sequel to April Fools?

The May-Tricks

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I was watching a show called "Ten ways to avoid a shark attack". I was really surprised that "Stay out of the water" wasn't #1.

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