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Animal Jokes

Why does the bass fart a half-tone flatter than every other fish? He's got a **b** in front of his ass

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What do you call Pegasus farts?

Horse power.

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What is it called when a prairie dog sees its shadow?

Total Eclipse of a fart.

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Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?

He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.

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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell gas station!

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What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A zebra with a drum.

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What do you call an elephant chasing a cat?

Depends on what his name is.....

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What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Utter destruction.

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I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.

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A man went camping in the woods by himself. He awoke early in the morning to hear a strange growling sound. He looked out to see a bear. He immediately began to run as fast as he could. The bear was gaining on him and he finally gave up hope, fell on his knees and said "Oh God, please let this be a Christian bear! "He turned to see the bear on his knees saying "Lord bless this food I am about to recieve..."

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Where can you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

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Why did the French dog look in the toilet?

Wee wee.

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A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says I think I might be a type O!

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What does a cow's fart smell like?

Dairy-air.

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What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

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What was the elephant doing on the highway?

About 5 mph.

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Why do cows wear bells?

In case their horns don't work.

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Why do snakes always lose in court?

They don't have a leg to stand on!

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Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says, "Guess you didn't see it either."

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Yesterday, I walked into a pet store. When I walked to the back of the store, I saw an interesting parrot. The parrot had a ribbon on either foot. There was a red ribbon on his left foot, and a blue ribbon on his right foot. As I was wondering what the ribbons were for, the store owner walked up to me. He told me that if I pulled the red ribbon, the parrot would sing the "Star Spangled Banner," and the parrot did. He then told me that if you pulled the blue ribbon, the parrot would sing, "God Bless America," and it did. Interested, I asked the store owner, "What will it do when I pull both ribbons at the same time?" The parrot then yelled, "I'll fall off my perch, stupid!"

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What sleep's with its shoes on?

A horse.

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Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

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What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?

A Bearacuda.

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Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?

He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.

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Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they'd ever experienced. "Out here in California," said one, "I've seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant redwoods trees? Well the wind got so strong it bent them right over." "That's nothing," said the farmer from Iowa. "Back on my farm we had a wind one day that blew a hundred miles per hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and laid the same egg six times!"

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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

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Little Lori was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lori?" "My goldfish died," replied Lori tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Lori patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

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What is the difference between a drinking establishment and an elephant's fart?

One is a bar-room and the other is a BAROOOM!

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Why is the dog man's best friend?

So he has to have someone to blame the farts on.

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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef!

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Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?

Because you might step in a poodle.

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What follows a dog where ever it goes?

It's tail.

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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'' The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I don't actually know, but the other two called him boss.''

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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee.

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What do you call a fish without eyes?

Fsh.

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If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!

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A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?

None of them, because you can't get a banana from a coconut tree.

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