Why does the bass fart a half-tone flatter than every other fish? He's got a **b** in front of his ass
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?
He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
What is it called when a prairie dog sees its shadow?
Total Eclipse of a fart.
Why aren't dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What do you call Pegasus farts?
What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drum.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell gas station!
How does a Japanese dog say hello?
Konnichi wa wa!
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
What do you call an elephant chasing a cat?
Depends on what his name is.....
Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What was the elephant doing on the highway?
About 5 mph.
What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?
Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech tree says to the birch tree, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker into!"
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
Why did the French dog look in the toilet?
Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
It was a shih tzu.
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well," they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as you like, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a canary?
I don't know but, when it sits on the electric wires and sings, all your lights go out!
A man went camping in the woods by himself. He awoke early in the morning to hear a strange growling sound. He looked out to see a bear. He immediately began to run as fast as he could. The bear was gaining on him and he finally gave up hope, fell on his knees and said "Oh God, please let this be a Christian bear! "He turned to see the bear on his knees saying "Lord bless this food I am about to recieve..."
What do walruses and Tupperware have in common? They both like tight seals.
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut House.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
How do you catch an unusual rabbit?
Unique up on him.
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
if Geico ever fired the gecko that would be a reptile disfunction.
A guy ends up in the emergency room from eating bad horse meat. The doctor told his family he's in stable condition.
Did you hear about the weasel that walked into a bar in Minnesota? The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel!
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
What do dinosaurs use on the floors of their kitchens?
Why did the pig stand in the middle of the road?
Because he was sooeecidal.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
I watch my dog chase his tail for five minutes and thought, "Wow! Dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase his tail for five minutes.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. Paid my $2, then he says, "Once upon a time there was this lobster...".
Fish bite twice a day. Before you get there and after you leave.
Why are they called humming birds?
Because they can't remember the words.
What's a cat's favourite nursery rhyme?
Three blind mice.
I have a chicken-proof lawn... It's impeckable!
If a pig loses his voice, does that mean he's disgruntled?
What do you call a pig that plays basketball?
A ball hog.
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says I think I might be a type O!
Why do cows wear bells?
In case their horns don't work.
Do you ever notice that when geese fly in a "V" formation, one side is always longer than the other?
That is because there are more geese on that side...
I was watching a show called "Ten ways to avoid a shark attack". I was really surprised that "Stay out of the water" wasn't #1.
Shot my first turkey today. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?
My kids were very upset when our bunnies escaped. They're too young to deal with hare loss.
If you notice cows sleeping in a field, does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the world today were born in the 21st century... They're millennial falcons!
Did you hear about the dog that ate the Scrabble tiles?
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue-ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. ???? I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me ????) Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
Why did the girl pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a real boar!
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
Why do snakes always lose in court?
They don't have a leg to stand on!
A snail gets mugged by a couple turtles and when the cops asked him for a description of the turtles he told them "I don't know, it all happened so fast"
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? So he could get a long little doggie.
A duck a skunk and a deer when out to dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the ducks bill.
Why are stegosauruses, such good volleyball players?
Because they can really spike the ball.
What's the best way to cook an alligator?
In a CrockPot.
Yesterday, I walked into a pet store. When I walked to the back of the store, I saw an interesting parrot. The parrot had a ribbon on either foot. There was a red ribbon on his left foot, and a blue ribbon on his right foot. As I was wondering what the ribbons were for, the store owner walked up to me. He told me that if I pulled the red ribbon, the parrot would sing the "Star Spangled Banner," and the parrot did. He then told me that if you pulled the blue ribbon, the parrot would sing, "God Bless America," and it did. Interested, I asked the store owner, "What will it do when I pull both ribbons at the same time?" The parrot then yelled, "I'll fall off my perch, stupid!"
What does a cow's fart smell like?
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
Mark was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Mark decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Mark. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Mark soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Mark. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Mark thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Mark. Although he survived, it took several months before Mark fully recovered. Now Mark was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Mark, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?
What happens when a frog illegally parks?
It gets toad!
What do you call a rabbit that tells a good joke?
A Funny Bunny!
Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says, "Guess you didn't see it either."
What sleep's with its shoes on?
Why do cows have hooves?
My friend keeps telling me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I guess I'm just going to have to put my foot down.
Three moles had been burrowing underground when the first one says "did you smell something sweet, it smelled like candy?' The second one said he smelled something sweet but it was more like honey. The one at the back of the line told them "I smelled something but it didn't smell sweet, it smelled like mole asses!"
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.
What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall? DAM!
A duck goes into a store and asks if they have any ChapStick. They told him they had plenty for sale so he replied "great can you put it on my bill for me"
My Child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with?
A dog. Dog's love meat.
If a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an utter failure?
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they'd ever experienced. "Out here in California," said one, "I've seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant redwoods trees? Well the wind got so strong it bent them right over." "That's nothing," said the farmer from Iowa. "Back on my farm we had a wind one day that blew a hundred miles per hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and laid the same egg six times!"
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The bear says "I'll have a rum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear answers, " What can I say, I was born with 'em."
A horse got hurt but he is doing fine and in fact, he is back in stable condition.
Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that now was named Rolex and the other one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming their dogs like that?" "Helloooooo...," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
Dogs can't read an MRI but CATScan!
What do you call a pig that does karate?
What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
What was the goal of the detective duck?
To quack the case.
What do you call pigs that write each other?
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!" Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. They pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with its head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, it's moving so fast! The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!" So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and they decide to tell him what happened. "Hey, Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked. The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat. The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. Problem was, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary, but to no avail. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd killed the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued. "May I ask what the turkey did?"
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.
A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
What do kangaroos wear to work?