Why does the bass fart a half-tone flatter than every other fish? He's got a **b** in front of his ass
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?
He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
What is it called when a prairie dog sees its shadow?
Total Eclipse of a fart.
Why aren't dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What do you call Pegasus farts?
What do you call a pig with invisible legs?
What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drum.
What do you call an elephant chasing a cat?
Depends on what his name is.....
What did the pig dress up as for Halloween?
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell gas station!
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!
How does a Japanese dog say hello?
Konnichi wa wa!
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A chocolate baaaaaa.
What do you get when a pig mixes two colours?
What happens when you put a pig in a musical?
It squeals the show!
Where do cows go on Friday nights?
To the moo-vies!
Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech tree says to the birch tree, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker into!"
What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?
What kind of shoes does a frog wear?
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
What was the elephant doing on the highway?
About 5 mph.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
Why would a pig dressed in all black never get bullied?
Because Batman is sworn to protect goth-ham!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a canary?
I don't know but, when it sits on the electric wires and sings, all your lights go out!
Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
It was a shih tzu.
Why did the pig have ink all over his face?
Because it came out of the pen.
What do you call a bunny rabbit with a lot of money?
Tweety: knock knock.
Sylvester: Who's there?
Sylvester: Gladys who?
Tweety: Gladys you and not that awful puddy tat!
Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?
She is going to have her baby in the spring!
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
Why did the French dog look in the toilet?
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well," they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as you like, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Why did the pig get hired at the restaurant?
He was real good at bacon.
What's worse than a worm in an apple?
Half a worm!
What do you give your dog when you want it to be quiet?
Why did the husband bring his wife a small lizard?
Because she told him to go out and get her a baby monitor.
Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice?
It doesn’t work but it stops them squeaking.
A man went camping in the woods by himself. He awoke early in the morning to hear a strange growling sound. He looked out to see a bear. He immediately began to run as fast as he could. The bear was gaining on him and he finally gave up hope, fell on his knees and said "Oh God, please let this be a Christian bear! "He turned to see the bear on his knees saying "Lord bless this food I am about to recieve..."
Why did the pig stand in the middle of the road?
Because he was sooeecidal.
How does a pig write a letter?
With a pig pen!
What’s a pig’s favourite Shakespeare play?
Which side of the sheep has the most wool?
Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur tibia... It's going to be quite the dinosaur shin-dig.
Why are tigers Christians?
Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
What do walruses and Tupperware have in common? They both like tight seals.
if Geico ever fired the gecko that would be a reptile disfunction.
A guy ends up in the emergency room from eating bad horse meat. The doctor told his family he's in stable condition.
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut House.
Did you hear about the weasel that walked into a bar in Minnesota? The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel!
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
How do you catch an unusual rabbit?
Unique up on him.
If a pig loses his voice, does that mean he's disgruntled?
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog, he croaks every night!
I tried Wookie meat... It was Chewy.
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
What do dinosaurs use on the floors of their kitchens?
Why did the pig stop sunbathing?
He was bacon in the sun!
What do you call a trendy pig?
What do you call a duck that gets all A’s?
A wise quicker.
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says I think I might be a type O!
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
I watch my dog chase his tail for five minutes and thought, "Wow! Dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase his tail for five minutes.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. Paid my $2, then he says, "Once upon a time there was this lobster...".
Fish bite twice a day. Before you get there and after you leave.
Why are they called humming birds?
Because they can't remember the words.
How do you take a sick pig to the hospital?
In a hambulance!
Why are dogs like cell phones?
Because they have collar ID!
I have a horse named Mayo... Mayo neighs!
Why do cows wear bells?
In case their horns don't work.
Do you ever notice that when geese fly in a "V" formation, one side is always longer than the other?
That is because there are more geese on that side...
A snail gets mugged by a couple turtles and when the cops asked him for a description of the turtles he told them "I don't know, it all happened so fast"
I was watching a show called "Ten ways to avoid a shark attack". I was really surprised that "Stay out of the water" wasn't #1.
Shot my first turkey today. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?
My kids were very upset when our bunnies escaped. They're too young to deal with hare loss.
If you notice cows sleeping in a field, does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the world today were born in the 21st century... They're millennial falcons!
Did you hear about the dog that ate the Scrabble tiles?
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
I have a chicken-proof lawn... It's impeckable!
So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue-ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. ???? I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me ????) Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
What do you call a pig that plays basketball?
A ball hog.
Why are pigs bad drivers?
They are all road hogs!
Who is the smartest pig in the world?
How do you make an octopus laugh?
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
Why do snakes always lose in court?
They don't have a leg to stand on!
A duck a skunk and a deer when out to dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the ducks bill.
Why are stegosauruses, such good volleyball players?
Because they can really spike the ball.
What's a cat's favourite nursery rhyme?
Three blind mice.
What's the best way to cook an alligator?
In a CrockPot.
Why did the girl pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a real boar!
I heard some guys talking about you yesterday. One said that you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stuck up for you; I said you were!
What do you call a pig thief?
What is a livestock's favorite math tool?
Why did the Tweety bird go the hospital?
Because he needed tweatment!
A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."