Why does the bass fart a half-tone flatter than every other fish? He's got a **b** in front of his ass
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?
He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
What is it called when a prairie dog sees its shadow?
Total Eclipse of a fart.
What do you call Pegasus farts?
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell gas station!
What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drum.
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
What do you call an elephant chasing a cat?
Depends on what his name is.....
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech tree says to the birch tree, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker into!"
Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut House.
What was the elephant doing on the highway?
About 5 mph.
Why did the French dog look in the toilet?
A guy ends up in the emergency room from eating bad horse meat. The doctor told his family he's in stable condition.
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?
A man went camping in the woods by himself. He awoke early in the morning to hear a strange growling sound. He looked out to see a bear. He immediately began to run as fast as he could. The bear was gaining on him and he finally gave up hope, fell on his knees and said "Oh God, please let this be a Christian bear! "He turned to see the bear on his knees saying "Lord bless this food I am about to recieve..."
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What do walruses and Tupperware have in common? They both like tight seals.
Shot my first turkey today. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well," they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as you like, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
I watch my dog chase his tail for five minutes and thought, "Wow! Dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase his tail for five minutes.
if Geico ever fired the gecko that would be a reptile disfunction.
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says I think I might be a type O!
Why do cows wear bells?
In case their horns don't work.
Do you ever notice that when geese fly in a "V" formation, one side is always longer than the other?
That is because there are more geese on that side...
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? So he could get a long little doggie.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. Paid my $2, then he says, "Once upon a time there was this lobster...".
What does a cow's fart smell like?
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
Why do snakes always lose in court?
They don't have a leg to stand on!
A duck a skunk and a deer when out to dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the ducks bill.
Yesterday, I walked into a pet store. When I walked to the back of the store, I saw an interesting parrot. The parrot had a ribbon on either foot. There was a red ribbon on his left foot, and a blue ribbon on his right foot. As I was wondering what the ribbons were for, the store owner walked up to me. He told me that if I pulled the red ribbon, the parrot would sing the "Star Spangled Banner," and the parrot did. He then told me that if you pulled the blue ribbon, the parrot would sing, "God Bless America," and it did. Interested, I asked the store owner, "What will it do when I pull both ribbons at the same time?" The parrot then yelled, "I'll fall off my perch, stupid!"
A snail gets mugged by a couple turtles and when the cops asked him for a description of the turtles he told them "I don't know, it all happened so fast"
Fish bite twice a day. Before you get there and after you leave.
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
My Child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with?
A dog. Dog's love meat.
Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says, "Guess you didn't see it either."
What sleep's with its shoes on?
Why do cows have hooves?
My friend keeps telling me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I guess I'm just going to have to put my foot down.
Three moles had been burrowing underground when the first one says "did you smell something sweet, it smelled like candy?' The second one said he smelled something sweet but it was more like honey. The one at the back of the line told them "I smelled something but it didn't smell sweet, it smelled like mole asses!"
I was watching a show called "Ten ways to avoid a shark attack". I was really surprised that "Stay out of the water" wasn't #1.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.
What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall? DAM!
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!" Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. They pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with its head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, it's moving so fast! The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!" So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and they decide to tell him what happened. "Hey, Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked. The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat. The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they'd ever experienced. "Out here in California," said one, "I've seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant redwoods trees? Well the wind got so strong it bent them right over." "That's nothing," said the farmer from Iowa. "Back on my farm we had a wind one day that blew a hundred miles per hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and laid the same egg six times!"
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The bear says "I'll have a rum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear answers, " What can I say, I was born with 'em."
A duck goes into a store and asks if they have any ChapStick. They told him they had plenty for sale so he replied "great can you put it on my bill for me"
A horse got hurt but he is doing fine and in fact, he is back in stable condition.
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. Problem was, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary, but to no avail. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd killed the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued. "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that now was named Rolex and the other one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming their dogs like that?" "Helloooooo...," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
Dogs can't read an MRI but CATScan!
What’s the difference between a liter of Coke and deer testicles?
A liter of Coke is a dollar and deer testicles are just under a buck.
What follows a dog where ever it goes?
The local pet store is having a free giveaway on birds today...no perches necessary.
Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.
Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?
Because you might step in a poodle.
A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died. In heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in. The German Shepherd said, "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master." "Good!" said God. "Sit at my right side." "Doberman, what do you believe in?" asked God. The doberman answered, "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master." "Aha," said God. "You may sit to my left." Then God looked at the cat and asked "And what do you believe in?" The cat replied, "I believe you're sitting in my seat."
We're expecting such a cold winter, the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.
A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'' The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I don't actually know, but the other two called him boss.''
What is the difference between a drinking establishment and an elephant's fart?
One is a bar-room and the other is a BAROOOM!
The reason you can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom is because the pee is silent.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Little Lori was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lori?" "My goldfish died," replied Lori tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Lori patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
Why is the dog man's best friend?
So he has to have someone to blame the farts on.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
What do you call a fish without eyes?
If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!
A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?
None of them, because you can't get a banana from a coconut tree.
Why did the farmer take the cow to the psychiatrist?
Because she was so mooo-dy.