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Bravery is when you have a diarrhea and are trying to fart.
What does the Rabbi love even more than his shekels?
How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
One day a blonde came home from work early and when she walked into her house, she saw her husband in bed with another woman. She pulls her gun out of her purse and points it to her head. Her husband screams, "NO DON'T DO IT! I'm sorry!" To which the blonde replies "SHUT UP! You're next!"
I'd tell you a fart joke... But I've run out of gas.
I think I lost an electron... In fact, I'm positive.
Nine out of Ten husbands agreed that their wives are always right... The 10th husband hasn't been seen since the study was conducted.
Detective: How did this man drown?
He couldn't breathe underwater.
Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What kind of Doctor is Dr Pepper?
The devil shows up in a church and everyone runs out but an old man. The devil says, "Why don't you run, aren't you afraid of me?" The old man replies, "Nope, I'm married to your sister!"
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Even on Gilligan's Island they listened to the professor not the 'millionaire'.
An Epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist walk into a bar...
Just kidding, they know better.
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish.
Brett and Ruth, who were both judges, were each cited for speeding and had the same date to appear in court. However, when they arrived at court on the appointed day, the courtroom was empty. So, instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each other. Motioning Brett to the stand, Ruth said, "How do you plead?" Brett replied, "Guilty." "That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court." Ruth stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Brett. Ruth replied, "Guilty." Brett reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last fifteen minutes. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."
What you find in an Italian forest!
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver. Wife: Flat head, Phillips or Vodka? And that is when I knew she was the one!
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