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Why did the farmer take the cow to the psychiatrist?
Because she was so mooo-dy.
Seriously, I don't know when exactly that UFO landed and dumped all these stupid people, but they apparently aren't coming back for them!
A woman in Wisconsin texted her husband early one morning, "Windows Frozen". Husband texted back, "Gently pour lukewarm water on windows". Later wife texted back, "Computer REALLY messed up now".
Funny guys are dangerous, they'll make you laugh and laugh and laugh then boom you're naked.
Some very sad news. My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
Someone sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning around the house... it worked! The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked.
Wife, "My aerobics instructor says I've got the chest of a 23 year old!" Husband, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?" Wife, "We never mentioned you!"
If April showers bring May flowers what do may flowers bring?
The biggest difference between time and money: You always know how much money you have but you never know how much time you have.
To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing as Arkansas.
"Alexa, where's my dad?" Alexa, "Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas." "Ha! Gotcha, my dad is sitting right next to me." Alexa, "Your mom's husband is sitting right next to you. Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas."
I wish my siblings would stop calling me "spoiled" just because I'm the baby in the family. The fact is, my parents kept having children until they found one they liked. It's so not my issue.
I found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself, What would Jesus do?
So, I turned it into wine.
If George is 68 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does George have?
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. ..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?'" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Would that be one word or two?"
I drank so much wine last night, when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.
I am forever disappointed the Chef Boddy Flay didn't name his daughter Sue.
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me the Thesaurus throat I've ever had.
As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
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