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New Joke In 51 minutes

My son asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked at me a little perplexed and stared at me in silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

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How many bites of the forbidden fruit did Adam and Eve take?

Four. Because it is the four-bitten fruit!

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Two Irishmen were hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realizes it's upside down and throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, Why are you throwing them away?" "Because, they're upside down", says Paddy. "You daft twat!", replies Murphy, "Save'em for the ceiling!"

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Does anybody know if you need a current driver's license to drive an electric car?

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100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.

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A 72-year-old man had one hobby - he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog, and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' With age - comes wisdom!

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Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands... No canaries there either.

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I’ve just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I’m not covered.

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Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice?

It doesn’t work but it stops them squeaking.

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Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.” A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.” Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear……I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

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My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.

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I never finish anything... I have a black belt in partial arts.

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Be careful when you eat at Sam and Ella's diner.

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I hired a handy man and gave home a list of jobs to do. When I got home, only #1, #3 and #5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

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If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?

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Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

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The cashier told me, "Strip down facing me". By the time I realized they meant the debit card, it was too late.

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I wish I still had that igloo. But when I moved into it, my friends threw me a housewarming party. And I no longer had an igloo.

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Why was the old woman forced to live in a shoe?

Because her ex-husband was a loafer.

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What do you call a duck on the 4th of July?

A fire quacker.

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