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Have you ever been guilty of looking at someone your own age and thinking, "Surely, I can't look that old?". I was sitting in the waiting room, for my first appointment, with my new dentist. I noticed his diploma, on the wall, which showed his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall handsome boy who had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. I thought, "Could this be the same guy a had a secret crush on way back then?" Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. The balding, gray-haired man with a deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he attended my high school. "Yes. Yes, I did." he beamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "1959, why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit old son-of-a-gun asked, "What class did you teach?"
What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?
Tear gas.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in a pot of boiling water?
Stu.
How many dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five! ... Six! ... Seven! ... Eight!
Why aren't dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Why did the Mafia cross the road?
Forget about it.
Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
It was a shih tzu.
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
A Navi-gator.
What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?
Because he was stuffed!
If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges... My door is always open.
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the world today were born in the 21st century... They're millennial falcons!
I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the well? It turns out he couldn't see that well.
There is a thin line between a numerator and a denominator... And only a fraction of people can understand that.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they're shellfish creatures.
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