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I went outside to check on my plants. I felt something cold and wet on my arm. I looked down and say a mosquito using a wet wipe before it bit me!
The reason you can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom is because the pee is silent.
if Geico ever fired the gecko that would be a reptile disfunction.
I was time traveling yesterday but I got hungry, so I went back four seconds.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're really making headlines.
If you don't know what this is don't ever join the Army. You don't even know an ambush when you see one.
A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"
I used to have a job cleaning mirrors but I couldn't see myself doing it for a living.
There are only three kinds of people in this world: those that are good at math.. and those that aren't.
A horse got hurt but he is doing fine and in fact, he is back in stable condition.
Stop shredded cheese, make America grate again!
So a hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it now.
A duck goes into a store and asks if they have any ChapStick. They told him they had plenty for sale so he replied "great can you put it on my bill for me"
A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt. The man says "I'll take a beer ...and one for the road"
A parachutist is falling towards earth and can't get his parachute to open. Surprisingly he sees a guy flying up from earth and yells over to him "hey do you know anything about parachutes?" the other guys respond "no, do you know anything about gas grills?!
A kid was playing outside and came in for some lunch when his mom asked him what he had been doing. "I was playing pirates with my friends," the kid says. "That's nice, where are your buccaneers now?" his mom asks. The kid answers "they're under my buckin' hat mom."
A king lived in a big beautiful glass castle in a most beautiful kingdom yet he spent his days collecting expensive thrones and saying bad things about everyone in his kingdom. So one day it all came crashing down and killed him all because he had stored all those thrones in the attic of his big glass castle. The moral of this story is people who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhands and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS Auditor asks "I need to talk with you about your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Capitan responds "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for about 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board". IRS auditor "That's fair, so who is the other guy on the boat that I see in your records. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the workaround here and only makes about $10 per week and it says you buy him a bottle of Bacardi and a twelve-pack once a week too. Also says he gets to sleep with your wife occasionally?" the IRS Auditor says "That's the guy we want to talk to". The Boat Capitan replies "That would be me, what do you to know?"
The police asked where I was between 5 and 6.. so I told them nursery school.
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!" And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played a lot of golf, and drank beer and whiskey, and had loads of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted. The End.
Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.
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