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Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

Because he had a bad summer.

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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver. Wife: Flat head, Phillips or Vodka? And that is when I knew she was the one!

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I saw this guy at Starbucks. No iPhone, no tablet, no computer. He just sat there drinking coffee... like a psychopath!

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If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

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I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what is going on.

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Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother. Wife: Why does it say "Do not resuscitate"?

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I bet you would be very motivated to lose weight if it went to somebody you didn't like.

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I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.

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I finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

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I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.

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A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far to many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took out phone book!"

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The Philosopher Plato once said... "I am the wisest man alive for I know one thing... and that one thing is that I know nothing." How did he know that? His wife told him.

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I had a happy childhood; Dad would roll me down the hill in a tire. Those were Goodyears.

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Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.

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We all know that mirrors don't lie... I'm just grateful they don't laugh!

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I don't mind getting older... But my body is taking it badly!

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I'm thinking about the wine box back to complain. It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, it only lasted me 3 hours!

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This is the first year I'm not going to Fiji due to COVID-19. I usually don't go because I'm poor!

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Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia, and learned that if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

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