Did you hear about the big hole at the intersection in town? Police are looking into it.
Cop, "What's in the bottle." Lady, "Just water." Cop, "Ma'am that's wine!" Lady, "OMG, Jesus did it again!"
A snail gets mugged by a couple turtles and when the cops asked him for a description of the turtles he told them "I don't know, it all happened so fast"
The police asked where I was between 5 and 6.. so I told them nursery school.
So a hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it now.
The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one kid and let the other one off...
What was the goal of the detective duck?
To quack the case.
A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights in his rearview mirror. He thought, "I can outrun this guy," so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, "What the heck," and gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car. He leaned down and said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!" The officer let him go.
I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember applying for a job there.
A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor is still wet."
I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said "Come on, buddy, how about giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force. "If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" he was asked. Without hesitation, the young man replied, "Seventy!"
So, I got pulled over in the carpool lane the other day. When the officer asked where my passenger was. I told him due to social distancing, he was in the car behind me.
Cop: "You were going really fast". Me: "I was just trying to keep up with traffic". Cop: "There isn't any traffic". Me: "I know! That's how far behind I am".
Police, "Why didn't you report your credit card stolen?" Man, "The thief was spending less than my wife."