Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!
It was a sunny Saturday morning and Brian was beginning his pre-shot routine -- visualizing his upcoming shot -- when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!" Brian was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Brian had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
What do sex and golf have in common?
They're two things that men think they're better at than they really are!
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport... I do it for the kicks!
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero!
I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!
Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon: a Patriots fan, a Falcons fan, an Eagles fan, and a Steelers fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan. Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Patriots fan proclaimed to the other three... "This is for the New England Patriots!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice. Not to be outdone by a Patriots fan, the Falcons fan jumped up and said... "This is for the Atlanta Falcons!" and then threw himself off the mountain, again as a form of sacrifice. Refusing to be outdone by the Patriots and Falcons fans, the Steelers fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs, "This is for the Pittsburgh Steelers!" and without hesitation, pushed the Philadelphia Eagles fan off the mountain.
What's the definition of Endless Love?
Stevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis... Endless Love!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Superbowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game her asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really like it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was... Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! I'm like Helloooo? It's only 25 cents."
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?" The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl, both box seats! He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3 pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too...She'll be the one in the white dress.
Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)... I can't see you anymore... I am not going to let you hurt me like this again! Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Why can't a mountain get stronger?
Because it's fitness level has peaked.
Where do football players go to get a new uniform?