The Joker

Joke: If you don't know what this is don't ever join the Army. You don't even know an ambush when you see one.

Joke: I went to the psychiatrist today. She told me I have a split personality and charged me $160.

Joke: So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell by just looking at them.

Joke: I keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet... It reminds me of why there is no money there!

Joke: What did one plate say to the other plate?

Joke: I wish I still had that igloo. But when I moved into it, my friends threw me a housewarming party. And I no longer had an igloo.

Joke: I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines....They make me jump.

Joke: What is a pirates favorite letter?

Joke: Did you hear that there is a coin shortage?

Joke: Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake!

Joke: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Joke: When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!

Joke: How does a penguin build its house?

Joke: What do you call an old apple?

Joke: Sad news today, the guy that invented the boomerang hand grenade died yesterday during product testing.

Joke: To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.

Joke: According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 3 days till Christmas

Joke: Today I bought a donut without sprinkles... Diets are hard!

Joke: A businessman in the first-class cabin decided to chat up the drop-dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?" Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir" Businessman: "Lovely name ... Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close" Businessman: "How close?" Flight Attendant: "Same price."

Joke: What did one tampon say the the other?

Joke: What are the similarities between my first sexual experience and my first bike ride?

Joke: What are twins favorite fruit?

Joke: Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Joke: How do you make holy water?

Joke: I just released my own fragrance... Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

Joke: A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Joke: What do you call a brunette who dies her hair blonde?

Joke: Pour a measure of whiskey, gin, or rum in a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you're currently free from the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I've developed a headache which can also be a symptom.

Joke: A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts cost $2.25... These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

Joke: What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?