The Joker

Joke: When one door closes, another one opens. This is the last time I'm buying a used car.

Joke: Why did the student eat his homework?

Joke: I found that I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka.

Joke: Why was Dracula afraid of cows?

Joke: An old lady walks up to an ice cream truck and asks the guy for some chocolate ice cream. He tells her that they just sold out. She comes back a few minutes later and once again asks for chocolate ice cream. The guy in the truck told her sorry but we are all out of chocolate ice cream for the rest of the day. She comes back a few minutes later asking for some chocolate ice cream. So the guy in the truck asks her to spell the van in vanilla. "Van" she spells out. Great now spell the straw in strawberry, so she replies "straw". Very good, now do me a favor and spell the fuck in chocolate. She tells him "there is no fuck in chocolate". He replies "that's what I've been trying to tell you, lady, there is no fuckin chocolate".

Joke: To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.

Joke: I broke my finger last week. . .

Joke: I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.

Joke: What do you get if you cross Star Wars and a Pirate?

Joke: Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Joke: I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines....They make me jump.

Joke: What is a pirates favorite letter?

Joke: What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?

Joke: I'm giving up drinking until this is over...

Joke: Orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should be thrown out in November.

Joke: Did you hear that there is a coin shortage?

Joke: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Joke: I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.

Joke: When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!

Joke: How do you get a farm girls attention?

Joke: How does a penguin build its house?

Joke: According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 3 days till Christmas

Joke: I buy all my weapons from a guy named T-REX... He's a small arms dealer!

Joke: A businessman in the first-class cabin decided to chat up the drop-dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?" Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir" Businessman: "Lovely name ... Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close" Businessman: "How close?" Flight Attendant: "Same price."

Joke: What did one tampon say the the other?

Joke: What are the similarities between my first sexual experience and my first bike ride?

Joke: What are twins favorite fruit?

Joke: I keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet... It reminds me of why there is no money there!

Joke: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.

Joke: How do you make holy water?