The Joker

Joke: What do you call a cat that sucks lemons?

Joke: What is blue and not heavy?

Joke: A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall, and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink. The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?" The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry." The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." The guy says, "Do you really think I asked for an eleven-inch pianist?"

Joke: A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything ok, pal? the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" The guy replies, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"

Joke: What is a mummy’s favorite type of music?

Joke: When one door closes, another one opens. This is the last time I'm buying a used car.

Joke: Why did the student eat his homework?

Joke: I found that I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka.

Joke: Why was Dracula afraid of cows?

Joke: An old lady walks up to an ice cream truck and asks the guy for some chocolate ice cream. He tells her that they just sold out. She comes back a few minutes later and once again asks for chocolate ice cream. The guy in the truck told her sorry but we are all out of chocolate ice cream for the rest of the day. She comes back a few minutes later asking for some chocolate ice cream. So the guy in the truck asks her to spell the van in vanilla. "Van" she spells out. Great now spell the straw in strawberry, so she replies "straw". Very good, now do me a favor and spell the fuck in chocolate. She tells him "there is no fuck in chocolate". He replies "that's what I've been trying to tell you, lady, there is no fuckin chocolate".

Joke: To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.

Joke: I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.

Joke: I buy all my weapons from a guy named T-REX... He's a small arms dealer!

Joke: What are twins favorite fruit?

Joke: Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Joke: I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines....They make me jump.

Joke: What is a pirates favorite letter?

Joke: What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?

Joke: I'm giving up drinking until this is over...

Joke: Orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should be thrown out in November.

Joke: Did you hear that there is a coin shortage?

Joke: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Joke: I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.

Joke: When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!

Joke: How do you get a farm girls attention?

Joke: This girl said she recognized me from some vegan restaurant but I knew I'd never met herbivore.

Joke: My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her to dinner and a movie and then dropped her off at her parents' house.

Joke: I pretended to fall asleep and I fell asleep. Now, I'm going to pretend to be skinny.

Joke: I'd share my poem about the wind....but it's only a draft.

Joke: According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 3 days till Christmas