The Joker

Joke: You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like was just born with mine.

Joke: A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything ok, pal? the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" The guy replies, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"

Joke: What is a mummy’s favorite type of music?

Joke: When one door closes, another one opens. This is the last time I'm buying a used car.

Joke: Why did the student eat his homework?

Joke: I found that I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka.

Joke: Why was Dracula afraid of cows?

Joke: An old lady walks up to an ice cream truck and asks the guy for some chocolate ice cream. He tells her that they just sold out. She comes back a few minutes later and once again asks for chocolate ice cream. The guy in the truck told her sorry but we are all out of chocolate ice cream for the rest of the day. She comes back a few minutes later asking for some chocolate ice cream. So the guy in the truck asks her to spell the van in vanilla. "Van" she spells out. Great now spell the straw in strawberry, so she replies "straw". Very good, now do me a favor and spell the fuck in chocolate. She tells him "there is no fuck in chocolate". He replies "that's what I've been trying to tell you, lady, there is no fuckin chocolate".

Joke: To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.

Joke: I broke my finger last week. . .

Joke: I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.

Joke: What are twins favorite fruit?

Joke: Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Joke: I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines....They make me jump.

Joke: What is a pirates favorite letter?

Joke: What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?

Joke: I'm giving up drinking until this is over...

Joke: Orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should be thrown out in November.

Joke: Did you hear that there is a coin shortage?

Joke: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Joke: I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.

Joke: When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!

Joke: How do you get a farm girls attention?

Joke: My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her to dinner and a movie and then dropped her off at her parents' house.

Joke: I'd share my poem about the wind....but it's only a draft.

Joke: According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 3 days till Christmas

Joke: I buy all my weapons from a guy named T-REX... He's a small arms dealer!

Joke: A businessman in the first-class cabin decided to chat up the drop-dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?" Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir" Businessman: "Lovely name ... Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close" Businessman: "How close?" Flight Attendant: "Same price."

Joke: What did one tampon say the the other?

Joke: What are the similarities between my first sexual experience and my first bike ride?