The Joker

Joke: A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything ok, pal? the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" The guy replies, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"

Joke: What is a mummy’s favorite type of music?

Joke: Why did the student eat his homework?

Joke: I found that I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka.

Joke: Why was Dracula afraid of cows?

Joke: An old lady walks up to an ice cream truck and asks the guy for some chocolate ice cream. He tells her that they just sold out. She comes back a few minutes later and once again asks for chocolate ice cream. The guy in the truck told her sorry but we are all out of chocolate ice cream for the rest of the day. She comes back a few minutes later asking for some chocolate ice cream. So the guy in the truck asks her to spell the van in vanilla. "Van" she spells out. Great now spell the straw in strawberry, so she replies "straw". Very good, now do me a favor and spell the fuck in chocolate. She tells him "there is no fuck in chocolate". He replies "that's what I've been trying to tell you, lady, there is no fuckin chocolate".

Joke: To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.

Joke: I broke my finger last week. . .

Joke: If you don't know what this is don't ever join the Army. You don't even know an ambush when you see one.

Joke: Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Joke: I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines....They make me jump.

Joke: What is a pirates favorite letter?

Joke: I'm giving up drinking until this is over...

Joke: Did you hear that there is a coin shortage?

Joke: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Joke: I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.

Joke: When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!

Joke: How does a penguin build its house?

Joke: According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 3 days till Christmas

Joke: A businessman in the first-class cabin decided to chat up the drop-dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?" Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir" Businessman: "Lovely name ... Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close" Businessman: "How close?" Flight Attendant: "Same price."

Joke: What did one tampon say the the other?

Joke: What are the similarities between my first sexual experience and my first bike ride?

Joke: What are twins favorite fruit?

Joke: I keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet... It reminds me of why there is no money there!

Joke: How do you make holy water?

Joke: I just released my own fragrance... Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

Joke: A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Joke: What do you call a brunette who dies her hair blonde?

Joke: Pour a measure of whiskey, gin, or rum in a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you're currently free from the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I've developed a headache which can also be a symptom.

Joke: What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?