The Joker

Joke: Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.

Joke: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Joke: What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?

Joke: Great news everyone. Apparently that man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun... is now fully "recovered".

Joke: What's worse than a worm in an apple?

Joke: What's a witch's favorite subject in school?

Joke: A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. ..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

Joke: Why do cows wear bells?

Joke: How can you tell when you've reached middles age?

Joke: Why do bananas wear sunscreen?

Joke: Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!

Joke: Do cannabis farmers use weed killer?

Joke: Did you know that in Hawaii, it’s actually illegal to laugh loudly?

Joke: What do you call a deer with no eyes? ...no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? ....still no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs having sex? ...still fucking no eye deer.

Joke: if Geico ever fired the gecko that would be a reptile disfunction.

Joke: I have a friend that's a little nuts. He thinks he is a chicken sometimes. I probably wouldn't hang around with him much but I can use the eggs.

Joke: What do you give your dog when you want it to be quiet?

Joke: "Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Steve." Said, Roger. Brian replied, "Since when is Steve your best friend?" Roger replied, "Since yesterday."

Joke: Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied... "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Joke: Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Joke: My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!

Joke: I've done some terrible things for money... Like getting up early to go to work.

Joke: It was a sunny Saturday morning and Brian was beginning his pre-shot routine -- visualizing his upcoming shot -- when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!" Brian was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Brian had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

Joke: Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions... Sometimes the special occasion is that you have a bottle of wine in the fridge!

Joke: When Gathering Berries... You have to be picky!

Joke: Who is Santa's favorite singer?

Joke: Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

Joke: I don't want to get to technical but... Chemists think alcohol is a solution!

Joke: Class trip to Coca-Cola. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Joke: Who is the most famous married woman in The United States?