The Joker

Joke: There were two men working for the city council. One would dig and dig and dig until a deep hole in the ground appeared. The other would come behind him and fill the hole with piles of dirt. The two men worked furiously: one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching the pair from the footpath but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask. He said to the hole digger: “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!” The hole digger replied: “Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”

Joke: A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 30. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?....... "What..... You're coming empty handed?"

Joke: Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice?

Joke: If you smoke weed, you get high. If you read books, you get educated. If you do both, you get highly educated.

Joke: A man and a woman were traveling on a train. Woman, "Every time you smile I feel like inviting you over to my place." Man, "Aww are you single?" Woman, "No, I'm a dentist."

Joke: What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Joke: Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like well damn.

Joke: What do you get if you are allergic to noodles?

Joke: How do we know that trees poop?

Joke: Why did the dragon sleep all day?

Joke: Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Joke: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Joke: What does it take to be an organ donor?

Joke: My wife says that I talk in my sleep but I don't believe her... nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

Joke: All this time I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. It turns out it was the refrigerator!

Joke: I saw an ad for a coffin and thought... "That's the last thing I need!"

Joke: How do you steal a coat?

Joke: What do you call dogs that rarely bark?

Joke: This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in cellophane. The doctor looks at the guy and says "well I can obviously see your nuts."

Joke: What did Dracula suffer from after biting a snowman?

Joke: What building in your town has the most stories?

Joke: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?

Joke: What do you call Dracula when he's shopping for bargains?

Joke: My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!

Joke: A parachutist is falling towards earth and can't get his parachute to open. Surprisingly he sees a guy flying up from earth and yells over to him "hey do you know anything about parachutes?" the other guys respond "no, do you know anything about gas grills?!

Joke: Your final memory will be going down a dark tunnel with a light at the end... That's my earliest memory too!

Joke: How did the computer die?

Joke: Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?

Joke: Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?

Joke: A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."