The Joker

Joke: What kind of music does the Easter Bunny like?

Joke: What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?

Joke: Why was the piano locked out of the house?

Joke: I used to think drinking alcohol was bad for me, so I gave up thinking.

Joke: Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!

Joke: Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?

Joke: What do road crews use at the North Pole?

Joke: Paul got a part-time job at the Post Office. He was thrilled because he had been looking for employment for a while, without any luck. It wasn't long before his first day arrived, and he headed to the Post Office brimming with confidence. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. His supervisor didn't understand how he was capable of working so fast but didn't question it. The supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, Sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

Joke: What did the mom dinosaur say to the baby dinosaur?

Joke: If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Joke: Why did the boy eat waffles for breakfast, lunch and dinner?

Joke: The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Joke: Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds!

Joke: I have a fear of speed bumps... I'm slowly getting over it.

Joke: They should put more wine in a bottle... so there's enough for two people.

Joke: A lumberjack walks into the woods and goes to cut down a tree with his ax. The tree shout out "hey wait I'm a talking tree". The lumberjack responds "you may be a talking tree but you'll dialogue".

Joke: An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking, and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a month later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad," said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels and he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there." "They don't like that in heaven", said the Angel. The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it in Costco either."

Joke: Why are all mummies workaholics?

Joke: An agnostic dyslexic insomniac must stay awake all night long wondering if there really is a dog.

Joke: What's on the lunch menu at Monster School?

Joke: Doctor says I have the Christmas flu. He called it tinselitis.

Joke: Tried cooking with wine last night, after 5 glasses,... I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

Joke: What's Dracula's favorite streaming service?

Joke: What do witches put on to go trick or treating?

Joke: What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead dog in the road?

Joke: What happens when you stay up all night on Halloween?

Joke: What room do ghost avoid?

Joke: A kid was playing outside and came in for some lunch when his mom asked him what he had been doing. "I was playing pirates with my friends," the kid says. "That's nice, where are your buccaneers now?" his mom asks. The kid answers "they're under my buckin' hat mom."

Joke: The biggest bra made for horses... Is the Z-bra!

Joke: There are only three kinds of people in this world: those that are good at math.. and those that aren't.