The Joker

Joke: Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Joke: Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing up what I did yesterday.

Joke: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?

Joke: Where do sheep go on vacation?

Joke: Did you know? You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

Joke: What do you call a zoo with no dogs?

Joke: What's a snake favorite school subject?

Joke: I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Joke: I just asked myself if I'm crazy. We said no.

Joke: What did one light say to the other light?

Joke: Detective: How did this man drown?

Joke: A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big-shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Now tell me, do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Joke: Cop, "What's in the bottle." Lady, "Just water." Cop, "Ma'am that's wine!" Lady, "OMG, Jesus did it again!"

Joke: Roger brings his buddy home to dinner without telling his wife. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just has to sit there and listen. Wife: "I look a mess, the house is dirty, the sink is full of dirty dishes, I'm wearing my comfy sweats and I don't have anything to make and I don't feel like cooking tonight! Why the hell would you bring him home?" Roger: "Because, he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo"

Joke: Clocks are supposed to fall back on Nov. 1st. Think I'll set mine forward at least two months because nobody wants to fall back in 2020.

Joke: Did you hear about the weasel that walked into a bar in Minnesota? The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel!

Joke: As you get older, you'll realize that a $300 watch and a $30 watch both tell the same time. A Micheal Kors wallet and a Forever 21 wallet hold the same amount of money. A $300,000 house and a $100,000 house host the same loneliness. A Ford will drive you as far as a Bentley. True happiness is not found in materialistic things, it comes from the love and laughter found with each other. Stay humble... the holes dug for us in the ground are the same size.

Joke: Does anyone know how to stop condensation in my home? Please call, the kettle is always on.

Joke: Why did the author put on a sweater?

Joke: My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally, I do a turkey but hey, if it will make them happy...

Joke: Friend, "On average, how much do you spend on a bottle of wine?

Joke: Last night dreamt I was eating giant marshmallows. When I woke up this morning my pillows were gone.

Joke: When French people stub their toe, do they say "Ow-Oui"?

Joke: This guy was having trouble with his sex life so his doctor suggested he try jogging 10 miles a day. He called his doctor a week later and when asked about how his sex life is going he answered "How would I know Doc... I'm 70 miles from home."

Joke: I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!

Joke: So somewhere out in space two alien life forms are talking with each other. The first one says "The dominant life forms on the planet earth have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons "The second one asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien replies, " I don't think so. they have them aimed at themselves!".

Joke: Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Joke: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland?

Joke: Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?

Joke: What does it take to get a PhD in Dad Jokes?