The Joker

Joke: I put grandma on speed dial and now I have Insta-Gram!

Joke: Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed down everything and cleaned thoroughly. Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

Joke: I was drinking a margarita at a bar when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet!" and we all laughed and laughed. Well. except one guy.

Joke: A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain... God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me... God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Joke: A Psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with 4 mothers. "You all have obsessions," he says. To the 1st mother, he says, "You are obsessed with eating, & even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the 2nd Mother, "You're obsessed with w/money, and you named your child Penny." He turns to the 3rd Mother, "Your obsession is alcohol, & you named your child Brandy." At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand & whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"

Joke: Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.

Joke: How do you get a good price on a sled?

Joke: Wife, "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Husband, "Excellent idea!" Wife, "Ok, you stand at the sink and wash the dishes and I'll be on the couch and watching tv."

Joke: I told my son he couldn't watch the orchestra anymore and he asked why? Because there's too much sax and violins!

Joke: I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

Joke: How often do you like jokes about elements?

Joke: When does a cookie go to see a doctor?

Joke: What type of music are balloons afraid of?

Joke: The police asked where I was between 5 and 6.. so I told them nursery school.

Joke: What do you call a gang of ghosts?

Joke: What did Tennessee?

Joke: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Joke: What did the 0 say to the 8?

Joke: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're really making headlines.

Joke: Who hides in the bakery at christmas?

Joke: Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, " I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Joke: This guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" the bartender replies "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

Joke: There is a thin line between a numerator and a denominator... And only a fraction of people can understand that.

Joke: Did you hear about the guy who fell into the well? It turns out he couldn't see that well.

Joke: It's gardening season. 6 weeks ago I planted my arse on the sofa. It's grown considerably

Joke: A Native American goes to see his psychiatrist about the dreams he is having. After describing that one is about teepees and the other is about wigwams the psychiatrist tells him he knows what the problem is and tells him "you must be two tents".

Joke: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?

Joke: A 65 year old millionaire has married a beautiful 23 old model, You crafty old devil, says his friend, How did you manage to get a lovely wife like that? Easy, replies the millionaire, I told her I was 95...

Joke: Yesterday a book fell on my head... I only have my shelf to blame.

Joke: Which cow is the best dancer?