The Joker

Joke Count: 1234
Joke: Husband, "Honey I broke a glass in the kitchen." Wife, "I'm coming with the broom." Husband, "It isn't urgent, you can come on foot."
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Joke: A memory was something you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider home. A virus was the flu. A cd was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy... you just hoped nobody found out.
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Joke: Apparently you can't use "Beefstew" as a password... It's not stroganoff.
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Joke: At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing." the woman says, and she popped her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming women I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
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Joke: I'll tell you why I can't lose weight... I've got metal fillings in my teeth and the refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen.
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Joke: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
Punch Line
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Joke: What is made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
Punch Line
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Joke: Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes first. That way if you do criticize them you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
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Joke: I was born a boy, but according to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, I am a family of four.
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Joke: I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger….then it hit me
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Joke: How do trees access the internet?
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Joke: Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
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Joke: A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like me coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan. Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then. Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him? Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow"
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Joke: Two eggs are boiling in a pot. One egg says to the other, "I've got a huge crack".  The other egg replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not even hard yet!"
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Joke: Two guys got into a fight on the bus here yesterday and one of the guys threw a hatchet and hit the other guy in the head. The strange part is the victim refused to press charges so my guess is that he must have axed for it.
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Joke: Two guys are sitting together in a bar. One guy starts yelling at the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first guy yells out again, "HEY...I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other guy just looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you’re drunk."
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Joke: What did the alien in the garden say?
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Joke: Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying home in his pajamas. I'm not having the same results.
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Joke: Who's the king of the pencil case?
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Joke: My friend is changing his bands name to 999 Megabytes because they never got a gig.
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Joke: As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
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Joke: If April showers bring May flowers what do may flowers bring?
Punch Line
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Joke: What Do You Get If You Cross Bambi With A Ghost?
Punch Line
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Joke: Hey, that's not a dad bod... It's a father figure!
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Joke: I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall!
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Joke: I used to have a job cleaning mirrors but I couldn't see myself doing it for a living.
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Joke: My mind is exceptionally quiet... I'm suspicious that I'm up to something I don't want myself to know about.
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Joke: I hate when I'm singing along to a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong...
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Joke: Honk if you love Jesus... text if you want to meet him!
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Joke: Why can't a mountain get stronger?
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