The Joker

Joke: Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? So he could get a long little doggie.

Joke: Who is Irish and sits outside all day?

Joke: Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yeah." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim, play tennis and even ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

Joke: I never really wanted to believe that my friend, a road worker, was stealing from his job but when I went to his house there they were. I should have known, all the signs were right there.

Joke: What the difference between a Ritz Cracker and a lesbian?

Joke: The definition of a stalker is when two people go on a long romantic walk together but only one really knows about it.

Joke: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?

Joke: What did one penny say to the other penny on Valentine's day?

Joke: I understand that Mickey and Minne Mouse are getting a divorce. When the judge asked Mickey why he wants to divorce Minnie and he merely replied..."she's f*cking goofy"

Joke: A Native American goes to see his psychiatrist about the dreams he is having. After describing that one is about teepees and the other is about wigwams the psychiatrist tells him he knows what the problem is and tells him "you must be two tents".

Joke: What did one boat say to the other?

Joke: What's worse than ants in your pants?

Joke: After dying in a car crash, three friends went to Heaven for an orientation session. They were all asked the same question: When you were in your casket and your family and friends were mourning over you, what would you like to hear when they talk about you? The first guy responded: "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man." The second guy said: "I would love to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow" Then the third guy thought for a while and then replied: "I guess I'd like to hear them say: 'Look.. he's moving"

Joke: A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak. "Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

Joke: Why should you never break up with a goalie?

Joke: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?

Joke: Standing on the edge of the lake, someone shouted across "How do you get to the other side?"

Joke: If you advertise used grapes... Is that raisin awareness?

Joke: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it means nobody else wanted them. Set them free again.

Joke: What does a caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?

Joke: Did you hear about the dog that ate the Scrabble tiles?

Joke: I was watching a show called "Ten ways to avoid a shark attack". I was really surprised that "Stay out of the water" wasn't #1.

Joke: What do you call an avocado in church?

Joke: Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?

Joke: Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!

Joke: What is sex like when you're camping?

Joke: What did the turkey say to the computer?

Joke: Laundry: Washing - 30 minutes, drying - 60 minutes, putting away - 7 to 10 business days.

Joke: I have a chicken-proof lawn... It's impeckable!

Joke: Always wanted to be a comedian but everyone just laughed at me!