The Joker

Joke: What did the sushi say to the bee?

Joke: How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

Joke: How does an astronaut cut his hair on the moon?

Joke: My new girlfriend and I were driving to my parents, when she got a flat tire. So, I called my parents and said, "Sorry mom, we're going to be late. My girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh!", she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Joke: David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It's a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff," said the bartender. "Just call me Hoff," the actor replied. "Sure," the bartender said, "no hassle."

Joke: Does your family say a prayer before you eat food? Nope, we're Italian, my mom knows how to cook.

Joke: What do you call a couple who share an Amazon account?

Joke: Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went in for macaroni and cheese and came out with two cases of beer!

Joke: Why is "dark" spelled with a "K" and not a "C"?

Joke: What kind of people never get angry?

Joke: You hear what the elephant said to the naked man?

Joke: Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.

Joke: I was going to tell a time-traveling joke ...but you guys didn't like it.

Joke: Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yelled, "He wants to see your license!" Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I've ever met." Selma turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"

Joke: I was addicted to hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

Joke: What do you call a fake noodle?

Joke: No matter how bad your life is, just remember... There are people out there worried about the gender of a plastic potato.

Joke: If a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an utter failure?

Joke: I dated a crosseyed girl but I just knew she was seeing someone on the side.

Joke: Why do cows have hooves?

Joke: I don't trust stairs... They're always up to something.

Joke: Someone called my phone today, sneezed, and then hung up.

Joke: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?

Joke: Research has shown that when a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats faster, his throat gets dry, and he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Then it was discovered why... She smells like a new truck.

Joke: A group of baboons is called a congress. (that is the joke)

Joke: The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.

Joke: A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The bear says "I'll have a rum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear answers, " What can I say, I was born with 'em."

Joke: Hollywood has been making a movie about constipation for years but they aren't sure if it will ever come out.

Joke: Since there is only one of me, does that make me endangered or a limited edition?

Joke: What did the Little Mermaid wear to math class?