The Joker

Question 1

Water Bed More Bouncy Joke

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Question 2

Search And Rescue Joke

I heard on the news that Search and Rescue had plucked 2 stranded fishermen out of the ocean and were looking for their capsized boat. I thought, Gee, how are they ever going to find something that small.

Question 3

McDonalds Order Joke

I went to McDonald's and slammed ten bucks on the counter and said, "Surprise me! Because I never get what I ask for anyway!"

Question 4

Song Composer Pun

My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter or sew it seams.

Question 5

Lego Joke

Lego store reopens after lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!

Question 6

Cops And Robbers Joke

George an 83-year-old man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garage, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the garage stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is your garage detached from your house" and he said yes. Then they said that all patrols were busy and that he should simply go back into his house, lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes 6 police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, and an ambulance showed up at George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Question 7

Favorite Child Joke

It turns out that when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick from you own. I know that now.

Question 8

Coming With The Broom

Husband, "Honey I broke a glass in the kitchen." Wife, "I'm coming with the broom." Husband, "It isn't urgent, you can come on foot."

Question 9

Life Before A Computer Joke

A memory was something you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider home. A virus was the flu. A cd was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy... you just hoped nobody found out.

Question 10

Sick With A Wee Cough Joke

I Called my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really, Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Question 11

Old Married Couple Joke

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving!! He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Question 12

Butter Rumor

Have you heard the latest rumor about butter?

Question 13

Sushi Talking To Bee's Joke

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Question 14

Taking My New Girlfriend To Meet My Parents Joke

My new girlfriend and I were driving to my parents, when she got a flat tire. So, I called my parents and said, "Sorry mom, we're going to be late. My girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh!", she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Question 15

Quit Drinking Joke

My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!

Question 16

Killing Flies Joke

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Question 17

David Hasselhoff Walked Into A Bar Joke

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It's a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff," said the bartender. "Just call me Hoff," the actor replied. "Sure," the bartender said, "no hassle."

Question 18

Shared Amazon Account Joke

What do you call a couple who share an Amazon account?

Question 19

Temperature Check Joke

Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went in for macaroni and cheese and came out with two cases of beer!

Question 20

Dark Spelled With A K

Why is "dark" spelled with a "K" and not a "C"?

Question 21

Elephant And Naked Man Joke

You hear what the elephant said to the naked man?

Question 22

Hekey Pokey Joke

I was addicted to hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

Question 23

Leather Pants

Research has shown that when a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats faster, his throat gets dry, and he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Then it was discovered why... She smells like a new truck.

Question 24

A Guy Who Did Everything Right

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like me coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan. Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then. Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him? Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow"

Question 25

The Good And Bad News

The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.

Question 26

Cell Phone Joke

I just removed all the German contacts from my cell phone. It's now Hans free!

Question 27

Farmer Bury Money Joke

Why did the farmer bury his money?

Question 28

Only One

Since there is only one of me, does that make me endangered or a limited edition?

Question 29

Elements Joke

How often do you like jokes about elements?

Question 30

Elf Car Joke

What kind of cars do elves drive?

The Joker

Water Bed More Bouncy Joke

Search And Rescue Joke

McDonalds Order Joke

Song Composer Pun

Lego Joke

Cops And Robbers Joke

Favorite Child Joke

Coming With The Broom

Life Before A Computer Joke

Sick With A Wee Cough Joke

Old Married Couple Joke

Butter Rumor

Sushi Talking To Bee's Joke

Taking My New Girlfriend To Meet My Parents Joke

Quit Drinking Joke

Killing Flies Joke

David Hasselhoff Walked Into A Bar Joke

Shared Amazon Account Joke

Temperature Check Joke

Dark Spelled With A K

Elephant And Naked Man Joke

Hekey Pokey Joke

Leather Pants

A Guy Who Did Everything Right

The Good And Bad News

Cell Phone Joke

Farmer Bury Money Joke

Only One

Elements Joke

Elf Car Joke

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