The Joker

Question 1

Taking My New Girlfriend To Meet My Parents Joke

My new girlfriend and I were driving to my parents, when she got a flat tire. So, I called my parents and said, "Sorry mom, we're going to be late. My girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh!", she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Question 2

Quit Drinking Joke

My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!

Question 3

Killing Flies Joke

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Question 4

David Hasselhoff Walked Into A Bar Joke

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It's a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff," said the bartender. "Just call me Hoff," the actor replied. "Sure," the bartender said, "no hassle."

Question 5

Shared Amazon Account Joke

What do you call a couple who share an Amazon account?

Question 6

Temperature Check Joke

Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went in for macaroni and cheese and came out with two cases of beer!

Question 7

Dark Spelled With A K

Why is "dark" spelled with a "K" and not a "C"?

Question 8

An Elderly Couple Driving Across The Country Joke

Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yelled, "He wants to see your license!" Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I've ever met." Selma turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"

Question 9

Stunning Girlfriend Joke

The guy next to me on the train pointed to a photograph and said "This is my girlfriend, isn't she beautiful?" "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my wife," says I. "Why is she stunning?" "No, she's an optician!"

Question 10

Hekey Pokey Joke

I was addicted to hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

Question 11

Why Did The Thief Wear Blue Gloves?

Why did the thief wear blue gloves?

Question 12

Moving Fast

As you get older, you've gotta stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years."

Question 13

Headless Horseman Halloween Joke

Why did the headless horseman start his own business?

Question 14

I Was A Kamikaze Pilot

I went out for Chinese food last night and got chatting with the waiter. He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot and his code name was "Chow Mein". I said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?" To which he replied, "Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein"

Question 15

Leather Pants

Research has shown that when a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats faster, his throat gets dry, and he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Then it was discovered why... She smells like a new truck.

Question 16

A Guy Who Did Everything Right

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like me coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan. Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then. Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him? Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow"

Question 17

Mummy's Favorite Music Halloween Joke

What is a mummy’s favorite type of music?

Question 18

The Good And Bad News

The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.

Question 19

Cell Phone Joke

I just removed all the German contacts from my cell phone. It's now Hans free!

Question 20

Farmer Bury Money Joke

Why did the farmer bury his money?

Question 21

Only One

Since there is only one of me, does that make me endangered or a limited edition?

Question 22

Elements Joke

How often do you like jokes about elements?

Question 23

Elf Car Joke

What kind of cars do elves drive?

Question 24

Police Interview Joke

The police asked where I was between 5 and 6.. so I told them nursery school.

Question 25

Looking Good

Wife, "My aerobics instructor says I've got the chest of a 23 year old!" Husband, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?" Wife, "We never mentioned you!"

Question 26

Corduroy Pillow Pun

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're really making headlines.

Question 27

Know The Lyrics

I hate when I'm singing along to a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong...

Question 28

Days Of The Weak Joke

Saturday and Sunday's are the strongest days... all the rest are weak days!

Question 29

Pampered Cow Joke

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Question 30

Girlfriends Eyebrows Joke

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!

The Joker

Taking My New Girlfriend To Meet My Parents Joke

Quit Drinking Joke

Killing Flies Joke

David Hasselhoff Walked Into A Bar Joke

Shared Amazon Account Joke

Temperature Check Joke

Dark Spelled With A K

An Elderly Couple Driving Across The Country Joke

Stunning Girlfriend Joke

Hekey Pokey Joke

Why Did The Thief Wear Blue Gloves?

Moving Fast

Headless Horseman Halloween Joke

I Was A Kamikaze Pilot

Leather Pants

A Guy Who Did Everything Right

Mummy's Favorite Music Halloween Joke

The Good And Bad News

Cell Phone Joke

Farmer Bury Money Joke

Only One

Elements Joke

Elf Car Joke

Police Interview Joke

Looking Good

Corduroy Pillow Pun

Know The Lyrics

Days Of The Weak Joke

Pampered Cow Joke

Girlfriends Eyebrows Joke

Joke Categories

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