The Joker

Joke: It's gardening season. 6 weeks ago I planted my arse on the sofa. It's grown considerably

Joke: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?

Joke: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in a pot of boiling water?

Joke: Yesterday a book fell on my head... I only have my shelf to blame.

Joke: What kind of flowers should you not give on Valentine's Day?

Joke: Did you hear Christmas has been canceled? Apparently, Santa is in jail. He was caught last year laying a doll under a tree.

Joke: Which cow is the best dancer?

Joke: A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are?" The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"

Joke: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it means nobody else wanted them. Set them free again.

Joke: An old man is selling watermelons. His pricelist reads 1 for $3, 3 for $10. A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

Joke: A banker gets into a car accident. He was driving his Ferrari, stopped, opened his door, and another car zoomed by, hit and ripped off the door. The banker jumps out of the car and shouts, "My Ferrari! My Ferrari!" A man is passing by and notes, "You bankers. You're all about money. You're worried about your Ferrari and not even noticing that your arm was ripped off along with that door." The banker looks at his missing arm and shouts, "My Rolex! My Rolex!!"

Joke: A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father replied, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies of their own, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said. "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Joke: Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!

Joke: What's the best way to cook an alligator?

Joke: What’s faster hot or cold?

Joke: What is my mommy and daddy’s favorite Christmas carol?

Joke: What is sex like when you're camping?

Joke: A young guy from Newfoundland moves to British Columbia and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Newfoundland." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our salespeople average sales of 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Vancouver. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Newfoundland, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65.′′ The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

Joke: Lazy is a very strong word. I like to call it "Selective Participation".

Joke: Always wanted to be a comedian but everyone just laughed at me!

Joke: What do you call a duck on the 4th of July?

Joke: Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Joke: How many feet are in a yard?

Joke: I asked my wife why she married me. She said, "Because you are funny." I said, "I thought it was because I was good in bed." She said, "See? You are hilarious!"

Joke: What kind of wave do tiny surfers ride?

Joke: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that now was named Rolex and the other one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming their dogs like that?" "Helloooooo...," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Joke: If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?

Joke: I hired a handy man and gave home a list of jobs to do. When I got home, only #1, #3 and #5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

Joke: What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Joke: What do you call a camel with no humps?