The Joker

Joke: A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are?" The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"

Joke: There was a safety meeting at work today. They asked me, "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?" "Big Ones" was the wrong answer.

Joke: What does a caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?

Joke: A banker gets into a car accident. He was driving his Ferrari, stopped, opened his door, and another car zoomed by, hit and ripped off the door. The banker jumps out of the car and shouts, "My Ferrari! My Ferrari!" A man is passing by and notes, "You bankers. You're all about money. You're worried about your Ferrari and not even noticing that your arm was ripped off along with that door." The banker looks at his missing arm and shouts, "My Rolex! My Rolex!!"

Joke: We are born naked, wet, and hungry... Then things get worse.

Joke: A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father replied, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies of their own, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said. "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Joke: What's the best way to cook an alligator?

Joke: What’s faster hot or cold?

Joke: A young guy from Newfoundland moves to British Columbia and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Newfoundland." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our salespeople average sales of 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Vancouver. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Newfoundland, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65.′′ The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

Joke: Guys I need your help... I'm in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me that I'm right. What the hell do I do next?!

Joke: Lazy is a very strong word. I like to call it "Selective Participation".

Joke: Why do women have small feet?

Joke: What do you call a duck on the 4th of July?

Joke: Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Joke: I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Joke: I asked my wife why she married me. She said, "Because you are funny." I said, "I thought it was because I was good in bed." She said, "See? You are hilarious!"

Joke: What kind of wave do tiny surfers ride?

Joke: The cashier told me, "Strip down facing me". By the time I realized they meant the debit card, it was too late.

Joke: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that now was named Rolex and the other one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming their dogs like that?" "Helloooooo...," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Joke: What does a horny frog say?

Joke: What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Joke: What do you call a camel with no humps?

Joke: Do not correct a fool or he will hate you. Correct a wise man and he will appreciate you.

Joke: Easter egg hunts are proof kids can find things if they really want to.

Joke: Me & my mates were at an Indian restaurant & some guys started throwing rice at us. So we threw rice back at them....We had a pilau fight.

Joke: Why do illegal immigrants like climate change?

Joke: There are two ways to argue with a woman... Neither one of them works.

Joke: I'm going to start collecting highlighters... mark my words!

Joke: A farmer drove to his neighbor's house and knocked on the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad home?", asked the farmer. "No, they went to town.", the boy answered. How about your brother, Howard? asked the farmer. "No, he went to town with mom and dad.", answered the boy. The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy said, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well", said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant." The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charged $500 for bulls and $150 for pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Joke: A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps. "Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still, no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home?!" The kid replied, "She is, but this isn't where I live."