So, I was at Walmart earlier. A lady was looking at the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" He replies with a straight face, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, " I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?
It was suffering from withdrawals.
For Halloween I dressed up as a screwdriver... I turned a few heads .
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
About a buck-an-ear (Buccaneer).
What's a skeleton's favorite thing to order at a restaruant?
Spare-ribs!
What position does a ghost play on his hockey team?
Ghoulie!
What can you find in a ghost's nose?
Boo-gers!
What’s another term for a will?
A dead giveaway!
Why didn't the ghost eat his candy?
He didn't have the stomach for it!
