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Bono and Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says,"Not U2 again."

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Why are sandals so indecisive?

They always flip-flop back and forth.

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Why did the vegetable call a plumber?

There was a leek.

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How do you get a farm girls attention?

A tractor.

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I was accused of stealing a thesaurus. I was not only shocked but appalled, aghast, and dismayed.

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What do you call dogs that rarely bark?

Hush Puppies!

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at the School?

It was no big deal, he woke up.

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A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything ok, pal? the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" The guy replies, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"

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My friend has a trophy wife... Apparently, he didn't get first place.

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I just ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles accidentally... My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

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